Greetings to all. First most of you seem to know me from either the Darkness sites that is MizzeOH's creation of utter insanity or the LC chats.
For those that I haven't met... *shrugs* ... There's not much else to say other than I am insane. :P
As such I have turned to the Dark Side of the Silly Force and am now a Silly Sith.
I have apprenticed myself under Count Boobu who was trained by Master Yogi. You may read of his exploits here.
But this is my story...
For those that I haven't met... *shrugs* ... There's not much else to say other than I am insane. :P
As such I have turned to the Dark Side of the Silly Force and am now a Silly Sith.
I have apprenticed myself under Count Boobu who was trained by Master Yogi. You may read of his exploits here.
But this is my story...
Warning: This is a comedy with a SW theme to it.
Written by me, with some help from Count Boobu.
An OTR side note.
Bspace posed the question and the beginning of OTR 3, "What have you been up too?" This was in reference to when the B Boys had split up for a while.
Boobu had quickly dismissed this question with an "It doesn't matter." And it had been dropped. Possibly this was because it was truly not important, or because Boobu wanted to hide something.
Being the Silly Master he is, and also for the sake of something interesting to write, let's go to with the hiding something thing. This follows when Count Boobu walked away at the end of OTR 2 up to just before the start of OTR 3.
On with the show!
As Bspace's echoed cry faded over the hills Boobu had to reflect on how attached his apprentice had become. This impressed the need for his separation. Bspace's progress was moving along nicely, but he was still LSSF. Boobu sighed as he stomped over the hill into the next town. All these thoughts of apprentices were bringing up bad memories.
Boobu walked for many days in the desert. He had left Muffin enough food and water to last her several days, just long enough for him to complete this little odyssey he was going on. Three days into his journey he wandered into the city of Mos Criminalica and found a seedy tavern and slunk inside. A rather attractive bartender came over and Boobu found himself drawn to her ample stock.
Bartender: What'll it be?
Boobu: A Hamster Death Gulp, and keep them coming.
Bartender: That's a tough one, think you can handle it?
Boobu: (smiled coyly) I would rather like to think I can.
Bartender: (giggling) we'll see.
The drink came fast and with a wink. Boobu smiled, the bartender had potential. Perhaps… No, not again. Boobu had made that promise a loooooong time ago. Not after the last female apprentice he had trained. Well, actually it was the first apprentice he had trained.
Boobu: Gah, why do you have to bring this up?
Narrator: Because I say so.
Boobu: (heavy sigh) I have a bad feeling about this.
Boobu downs his drink as another magically appears at his elbow.
Narrator: So be it.
Sometime later the rather attractive bartender meandered back over.
Bartender: Sooooo… Do you want to talk about it?
Boobu: (slightly slurred) About what?
Bartender: No one downs FIVE hamster death gulps and doesn't have something they want to get off their chest.
Boobu: And you care why?
The bartender points to the narrator in an obvious manner.
The Narrator crossed his non-corporeal arms and glared.
Boobu: Well, if you must know, it was a long time ago.
Bartender: (interrupting) In a galaxy far far away?
Boobu: … Are you going to let me say this or not?
Bartender: (snickering) Sorry.
Boobu: Anyway… It was a long time ago, back when I had just taken the title of Silly Sith Master from MY master.
Bartender: How's that work again?
Boobu: You seem awfully interested in this for your average barkeep.
Bartender: Well, let's just say I've been around for a while. So you were saying you took over for your master? Did he retire or something?
Boobu: Silly Sith do not retire. Their apprentice takes over after they kill their master.
(laughs) My master had taught me everything I could possibly learn, so he had out lived his purpose. It was time I became the master.
Bartender: And how'd you go about that?
Boobu: I filled his chamber with balloons until all the air was displaced. He suffocated in his sleep.
Bartender: Wow. That's dark.
Boobu: AND silly.
The bartender seems to be thinking of something, and then shakes her head.
Boobu looks up, like something jogged his memory.
Bartender: Well…. Has anybody tried that with you?
Boobu: (crossly) Don't you have other customers you can bother instead?
Bartender: Nah, none that won't bite back any way. And YOU'RE avoiding the question.
Come on, drinks are on me if you spill.
Boobu looks to the bar and back to the bartender, considering if it's really worth it. Then decides free booze would be for the best. Not quite exactly sure why he keeps talking to the bartender, he begins the tale.
Boobu: As I said before, it was time I became the master. I was young and celebrating my newfound free time. So I decided to make a trip through the entire galaxy to see what would soon belong to me.
Bartender: (interrupting) A little cocky there, weren't you?
Boobu: (glares) How dare you….
Bartender: (smarting off) Well it really seems like you've done a real bang up job on that one. *snorts*
All Boobu could do was stare in amazement at the bartender's boldness. The Dark Silly Side flowed through this woman as though she had been trained by Master Yogi himself.
But as quickly as the feeling came, it passed.
Besides, Boobu told himself, he would have remembered some one of the bartender's looks had she been one of his apprentices. And it would have been waaaaaaayyyy to long ago for her to be Yogi's student.
Boobu: Well, erm…. Did you want to hear this or no?
Bartender: (setting another drink in front of Boobu) Go on.
Boobu: I came to Correlia, a planet known for its vicarious attitude to life. And it's Ale.
I was leaving a bar one night when I heard a commotion in the alley. Curious, I went over to see what was going on.
Bartender: How long ago was this?
Boobu: Somewhere around 4,000 years ago.
Bartender: ! Aren't you supposed to be dead by now?
Boobu: (smiled into his drink) Ah, but I am a Silly Sith Master. Time doesn't affect me.
Bartender: (chokes, cough, cough) I wouldn't put it QUITE that way…..
Bartender: All right, you heard something in the ally?
Boobu: Yes. When I went over to see, one of the strangest sights I ever saw greeted me.
And instead of listening to Boobu prattle on, why don't we just pull out a flash back, shall we?
* * * * *
Boobu staggered out of the cantina, and turned towards the sound of a bottle breaking. Instantly alert, he gripped the handle of his light saber and ventured into the alley.
Poking his head around the corner, he felt a surge in the Silly Force. Boobu searched out the source of the surge, and located at the back of the alley. He couldn't quite see, but there was a group of Quarren surrounding something.
Random Quarren: Give it up, girl!
Other Random Quarren: We have you now!
Boobu had time to vaguely wonder why the Quarren would need something on the scale of a small army to confront a girl when he faintly hears a soft, but strong voice.
Girl's voice: You're making me angry….. You won't like me when I'm angry.
Random Quarren: Get her!
As the Quarren launched their attack, Boobu briefly considered stepping in, but then scolded himself for his lack of judgment. Instead, he pulled up a chair and some popcorn to watch the show.
The Quarren dog-piled on top of the girl, and Boobu thought the fight was over. But then, somehow the girl channeled the Force and flung the Quarren off of her.
Boobu: (Matrix style) Whoa….
The girl then proceeded with what could only be described as a major ass-whuppin'. She had two greatly oversized swords and used them well. As the fight went on, Boobu could not contain his laughter. He thought 'the Silly Force is STRONG in this one'. And his inebriated mind began formulating a diabolical plot.
The girl was good, and Boobu made up his mind. Fortunately for him, the girl didn't see Boobu edging his way to the edge of the battle. The girl had her back to him, finishing with the last of the Quarren, who were running for their lives.
Girl: You'd BETTER run!
Boobu: (doing his best to control the hysterical laughter) Gooood! GOOOOOOD!
The girl whipped around, but stayed in the shadows.
Girl: Can I help you?
Boobu could tell the girl was still in ass-whupin' mode and made a note to stay out of reach of those swords. They looked like they could deliver a nasty paper cut.
Boobu: Easy. Actually, I wanted to help you.
Girl: Sorry, you're a little old for me.
Boobu: Not what I had in mind, little girl. Why were you fighting those Quarren?
Girl: Not that it's any of your business, but their kind does not like my kind.
The girl stepped into the light, and Boobu involuntarily took a step back. Although she was young, the girl was a fierce looking being. Not anywhere close to human, she had wings, a tail, and a smile full of sharp looking teeth. The word 'gargoyle' briefly fluttered into Boobu's mind as the girl came to stand right in front of him.
And then he started laughing again, because she stood only as tall as his chest.
The girl glared up at Boobu.
Girl: So I'm short. Wanna make something of it?
Boobu dies laughing and grabs the fist the girl had intended to hit him with.
Boobu: How would you like to be my apprentice?
Boobu: You have special powers, and I can teach you how to use them best.
Girl: (backing off) What are you, some kind of Jedi?
Boobu: NO! I am the Silly Sith Master.
Girl: Master, eh? What the hell is a Silly Sith?
Boobu: Come with me and I will show you everything. Learn from me, I beg you. Only then will you have the knowledge and the power to save Padme'.
Girl: Sounds interesting. But who the heck is Padme'?
But before Boobu could answer, the adrenaline rush combined with the many pints of ale consumed prior to all this and his brain decided it would be such a tragedy for him to miss out on the wonders of being unconscious.
The girl stepped out of the way as Boobu slumped over and fell to the ground.
Girl: Pft, some Master you are.
The girl, not one to pass up an opportunity, started going through Boobu's pockets.
Girl: Figures, no wallet. Hmmm, what's this?
She finds Boobu's GPS flashing the co-ordinates for where he docked his ship.
The girl looks back to Boobu, who is currently having a snoring contest with himself.
Girl: (deep sigh) I have a bad feeling about this.
She grabbed Boobu and, and a feat of strength that no one would have imagined her to have, tossed him over her shoulder and started walking towards the landing pad.
The next morning, Boobu woke up to a monster headache and the smell of nerf and eggs.
Boobu: (sniff) What the….?
Just then the girl from last night enters the room with a tray of food on it.
Girl: Good morning, Master.
Boobu: Eh, what's that?
Girl: (repeating patiently) Good morning, Master. I considered your offer to teach me how to use my power. And I accept.
Boobu: Oh crap, was I drunk last night?
Girl: Very much so. And I had to haul your sorry ass back here after you passed out on me.
The girl's smart remarks brought everything back in a rush to Boobu.
Boobu: (Matrix style) Whoa…. *Erm yes. That was a test. Tests to make sure you were willing to be responsible with the knowledge that I will teach you.
Girl: Are you sure you're not making that up as you go along?
Boobu: It doesn't matter. What is your name?
Girl: Angel. Angel Katanra.
Boobu: You will no longer need to use that name. You are now reborn as a Silly Sith, my young apprentice. Henceforth, you shall be known as Darth...
Boobu looked around, trying to think up a good name. Then he noticed the funny design of chibi bats on Angel's pajamas, and an idea finally struck his mind.
Jammies: What the…? What kind of a name is that!?
Boobu: The proper response is "thank you, my master." It is a Silly Sith name. Few have had the honor of earning it.
Boobu: What's that?
Jammies: Thank you, my master.
Jammies rolled her eyes as soon as Boobu's back was turned.
Boobu, sitting down to stuff his face: Much better. Now, as soon as I'm finished here, we begin your training.
And so the two had their first of many breakfasts together. Jammies listening to Boobu while he stuffed his face and taught her of the Silly Side. And Boobu, enjoying the fact that someone wasn't teasing or ridiculing his teachings was only too happy to share the information.
Boobu: (finishing up) And so, my young friend, it is time for you to face your first mission.
Jammies: Yes, master?
Boobu: It is a test of your sense of humor. There's a Gundark nest not so far from here.
You are to go and raid it of all the candy their younglings have.
Jammies: ! …That's the DUMBEST thing…
Boobu: (mad) I find your lack of faith hilariously disturbing.
Boobu rises up from the table and, too calmly, walks over to Jammies.
Boobu: This is a most important part of your training. It will determine the course of how we proceed.
Jammies: What's the point? I have no qualms about diving into a nest of feared beasts and annoying their younglings, but how the heck is that going to help me? It doesn't seem to have any link to being silly.
Boobu: (still mad) You know nothing of the Dark Silly Side of the Force!
Jammies: Back off old man! (snide) Maybe I'm better off without you.
Boobu lets lose with a volley of Silly Lightning, tickling Jammies, well, silly.
Jammies: (giggles) gah!
Boobu: You will chuckle for your lack of vision!
Jammies: (having a tough time with the Silly Lightning) OK, hahahahaha, ok! Stop for blaming sake. I'll go.
Boobu: (stopping the silly lightning) GOOOOOOD. Now, leave you're swords here. You will not need them.
Boobu gives Jammies a warning glare and crosses his arms. Jammies decides to leave her swords behind.
Jammies: (muttering) Not need my swords, I'm going up against a nest of Gundarks and he doesn't….. ect.
And so Jammies ventures forth into the Gundark's nest and finds it surprisingly easy to take the candy from the baby Gundarks.
Jammies: Hmmm, someone should coin that phrase……"Like taking cherished edibles from a youngling"…. No that's not quite right….
There was a grunt from behind that when translated said: "Yousa gonna get pounded!"
Jammies: (turning around) Eep, hello there!
What Jammies was saying 'Hello there' too was the parents of the baby Gundarks retuning home from their hunt. And they didn't look too happy at the thought of an intruder.
Jammies: Ummmm….. I have a very, VERY BAD feeling about this….
As the Gundarks surrounded her, Jammies had to think quick.
Remembering that Gundarks weren't known for their smarts she said: LOOK AT THAT!
Pointing over the group's shoulders and something completely random. The Gundarks didn't even flinch.
Jammies: Aw hell, it was worth a try….
And so the battle ensued, and Jammies did hold her own for a few seconds. Then the massive Gundarks started wailing on her. As Jammies curled up into a ball and used her wings as a shield, she closed her eyes and an old memory came back to her from when her clutch mates pounced on her like this.
It was one time in particular when all her brothers tried to take her down. She has won by fighting dirty.
Jammies' eyes snapped open as she knew what she must do. Lashing out with her foot, she landed a hard kick to one of the lead male's 'special area'.
Seeing the look on the Gundark's face made Jammies laugh so hard she forgot the pain she was in. Kicking and shoving and watching her foes drop with a pained expression on their faces gave her the strength to get up and jump out of the Gundark's reaches.
Gathering the force around her, Jammies jumped high enough to spread her wings and soar off back to where Boobu was waiting.
Jammies victorious, evil laugh could be heard fading over the hills.
When she got back to Boobu's ship, she smelled the wonderful scent of fresh BBQ and ran inside to find Boobu eating a plate of Bantha Ribs.
Jammies could only stare at the ribs, her stomach rumbling in anticipation and Boobu notices Jammies intense reaction
Boobu: Ah yes, since you took so long, I made dinner for myself.
Boobu continues to smack on the ribs.
Jammies: Is that all there is?
Boobu: What, you mean you didn't get anything?
Jammies: (getting ticked off) Well, I was a little busy...
Boobu: (snickering) Yes that WAS amusing to watch your face when the parents showed up
Jammies: Could I please have some ri....Wait, you were there?
Boobu: Oh yes, I was thinking of what I should have, Bantha ribs or Nerf Loin and
there's this delightful vendor right around the corner from where you were.
Jammies: (well and truly pissed) You're making me HUNGRY.....You won't LIKE me when I'm HUNGRY!
To Boobu this is the best line he's heard in years, and cracks up into hysterical laughter, not thinking Jammies would follow though
Jammies: Grrrrrr! GIVE ME FOOOD!
Jammies makes a lunge for the ribs and ends up splattering them all over Boobu.
Boobu: Gahhh you'll pay for your insolence!
Jammies: It's hammer time old man!
And so an epic duel started between Jammies and Boobu. They tear through the ship, wreaking havoc, until they are in a deadlock, facing each other down. They stay there a few moments until a wandering old man passes by and pounds on the side of the ship.
Cranky Old Man: Hey you kids, get a room!
Both Boobu and Jammies stop and crack up. Laughing hysterically, they both fall to the floor.
Jammies: The Silly Force is strong in this one…..
Boobu: (laughing) Now you're getting the hang of it, my young apprentice.
Jammies: Thank you, my master.
And so a few years went on and Jammies became a very adept student of the Dark Silly Side of the Force. She eventually replaced her beloved ridiculously oversized sabers with light sabers. This was after Boobu tried to dispose of them by tossing them into the recycler compactor. Only to have the swords not fit properly, resulting in the compacter malfunctioning and a furious Jammies. There was a brief incident where Jammies had both her light sabers AND her alloy sabers, and Boobu had to think VERY fast to get out of that one.
But as said before, Jammies progressed quickly and soon became the apprentice Boobu could have ever hoped for. So she earned special privileges, such as having access to Darth Yogi's holocron. With that her abilities with the Silly Force grew by leaps and bounds.
Finally Boobu felt Jammies was ready for the true reason he had asked her to become his apprentice. He queued the comm. station for Jammies' location. She had been absent from him in order to finish some business on Correlia.
Boobu: Lord Jammies, can you hear me?
Jammies: Yes, master. How goes it?
Boobu: Very well, my young apprentice. I have a mission for you.
Jammies: What is thy bidding, my master?
Boobu: I need you to venture to Coruscant, there you will find the Republic's main research lab. There is a device that needs 'retrieving'.
Jammies: As you wish. Is the device to meet an unfortunate end, or is it purely retrieval?
Boobu: No, I need it intact. But feel free to wreak havoc on anything else you might happen upon.
Boobu could envision Jammies' wicked smile spread across her face.
Jammies: Jammies like big booms……
Boobu: (chuckling) Yes, yes I know you do. However, Lord Jammies, be mindful. The Jedi enclave is currently training there, and the planet will be swarming with them.
Jammies: Yes, my master.
Boobu: Once you have retrieved the device, deliver it to the Sith officer Ashla. She is on her way there now.
Jammies: Ashla? Isn't that the one you've been hitting on lately?
Boobu: What? How would you know?
Jammies: I have my sources. Besides, it IS the talk of the academy.
Boobu: You're not even IN the academy. You've never been CLOSE to the academy, for obvious reasons.
Jammies: But of course. However, that isn't to say that I don't have friends there.
Boobu: Hmmmm…. Well….Just get your ass to Coruscant and get me that device!
Jammies: (snickering) Yes, master.
Soon thereafter Jammies arrives at Couruscant and ventures into the customs receiving area. Only to find that there's a Jedi blocking her path.
Jammies ducked down and hoped the Jedi didn't see her. While she believed she wouldn't have a problem fighting him, she didn't want to reveal herself just yet.
So she settled on spying on the Jedi for a bit. After a while, Jammies was beginning to think he wasn't waiting for her after all. Her suspicions were confirmed when a rather attractive human female came over and hugged the Jedi.
'Ah, a secret lover then.' Jammies thought. She tucked that information away for later. As the two 'lovers' became a little more intimate, Jammies took the initiative to sneak past, snickering as she did so.
Jedi: Did you say something?
Woman: No, why?
Jedi: I thought I heard something like "Yousa SOOOO busted."
The woman shook her head.
Woman: Wasn't me. Now come here you……
A short time later, Jammies stood waiting outside the building where the device Boobu wanted was housed. A woman approached from the east side of the building, and came over to Jammies. Jammies saw it was the same woman that was 'friendly' with the Jedi at the customs depot. When she came closer, Jammies spotted that she wore the arm badge of the Sith Army.
Woman: (nodding hello) An interesting morning.
Jammies nonchalantly nodded to the Sith Officer, knowing that neither one of them wanted to attract attention.
The female sith officer looked around to make sure no one was looking and turned her back to Jammies. She pretended to be working on a datapad.
Jammies: So, you're the officer?
Female Officer: Yep. Captain Ashla Bogan's the name. I already know who you are, Lord Jammies. I've transmitted the building's entrance and emergency exit codes to your slicing device. Good luck, for the glory of Lord Boobu.
Jammies nodded her thanks and turned away, keeping a straight face.
Jammies: (mutters) Fanzui de MUQI, master Boobu is NOT going to like this.
That evening, Jammies made the call to Boobu, updating him on her progress. Also, she had to voice her concerns about Ashla and the Jedi.
Boobu: Lord Jammies, I take it you've made it to the planet in one piece and made contact with Ashla.
Jammies: Yes, my master. My piloting skills are not THAT bad.
Boobu: They can certainly use some work! But regardless, now the second phase of your work must begin under the cover of night. No doubt, Ashla has also given you time of when the facility's security is at its weakest. That is when you must strike and steal the device! May the dark side of the silly force tickle your funny bone...
Jammies: Indeed. There is one thing, master...... I believe it may require your personal attention.
Boobu: What is it, my apprentice?
Jammies: I am afraid it would shake the silly out of you my master. However, I saw something, not silly at all.
Boobu: I doubt anything could shake the silliness out of me. But go on...
Jammies: I saw Ashla, before I met her at the research lab. She was with a Jedi.
(quietly) They were 'together', master.
Boobu's holographic visage could not hide the look of disdain he suddenly flashed his apprentice.
Boobu: Do not tell me lies, child, especially of this nature. Ashla's activities are of no concern to you. Now focus on the mission instead of my fiancé'!
And with that, Boobu deactivated his side of the transmission, fading away in a great deal of silly anger.
Jammies, into open air: (still quiet) I am sorry, my master.
The next morning Jammies went to scout the building. She had set up camp on top of one of the highest spires on Couruscant, so as to get a good view and a good vantage point for flying over to the research lab. Bracing for take-off, Jammies launched herself into the air, spread her wings and soon after landed on the roof.
Once she had settled her equipment into place, she heard Ashla's voice and that of another man's conversing on the lower levels. This time Jammies took her holo cam and went to where the voices were coming from. She found Ashla and the Jedi from before in a new speeder parked below.
Man's Voice: If you gave out the plans, why hasn't there been an attack yet?
Ashla: I don't know! Why are you bugging me about this?
Man's voice: It's important I find Boobu. When he left he was with the dark side, and that's what I stop. Besides, I can't let my younger brother train some one; he's not good enough for it.
Ashla: Well, why not?
Jammies started to record the conversation at this point.
Man's voice: Because I'M the better Jedi, I'M the one with the talent. Isn't that why you left his sorry ass for me?
Ashla: Hmmmm. Yes that is true….
Man's Voice: C'mere babe…
Ashla: Oh, Phalanx….
Jammies has to hold back the bile as Ashla and Phalanx make out. Quickly, she makes sure the cam caught the entire scene and sends the data back to her ship for safe keeping.
Phalanx: (startled) Wait, did you hear something?
Ashla: The sound of something retching?
Phalanx: Yeah….. we'd better go.
Ashla: (flirting) Meet you back at my ship?
Phalanx: You know it babe.
Jammies assumed Phalanx had sensed her presence and hurried to slice the lock. Ashla's information was correct, and the alarms didn't sound and the door creaked open. Setting the slicer to beam the exit code, just in case she had to make a quick exit, Jammies tucked it into her belt and made her way down into the building.
Jammies mind was spinning; why didn't Boobu tell her that his brother was a Jedi? Did that mean that Boobu was at one time a Jedi as well? But she pushed those thought aside; it wouldn't bode well if she indeed crossed paths with Phalanx and was distracted.
Jammies knew that while she had the access codes to enter and exit the building, she knew she didn't have the codes to where the device Boobu wanted was kept. Only a Captain of the Guard would have the access key. So she consulted the map Ashla gave her and found she was close to the guard's barracks.
As Jammies came around the corner, she spotted some guards. Stretching out with the silly side, she touched their minds. She found they were BritMisFit fans, and formulated a plan……
Jammies walked out of the shadows, using the Silly side to make herself look super hot.
Jammies: (playfully) Hello there…..
Captain of the guard: Halt! State your business here.
Jammies held up her hands: Easy! I was sent here by your HR people.
Jammies walked over to the guard that had his riffle aimed at her.
Jammies: (REALLY flirting) They said you guys needed cheering up. I think I know how….
Guard: (getting eager) Oh, really?
Jammies: Oh yes. I hear you guys like the BritMisFit…..
All the guards look at Jammies expectantly.
Jammies: Sooo…. A ONE TWO THREE FOUR……
Jammies starts to jam out the song "Break the Ice" and dances with various members of the guard.
It's been a while I know I shouldn't have kept you waiting
But I'm here now
I know it's been a while But I'm glad you came
And I've been thinking 'bout How you say my name
Got my body spinning Like a hurricane
And it feels like You got me going insane
And I can't get enough So let me get it up
Ooh, looks like we're alone now You ain't gotta be scared
We're grown now
I'm a hit defrost on you, oh yeah Let's get it blazin',
We can turn the heat up if you wanna
Turn the lights down low if you wanna
Just wanna move you But you're froze up
That's what I'm saying
Let me break the ice
Allow me to get you right
Once you warm up to me
Baby I can make you feel
(repeat chorus verse two)
So you warming up yet?
You got me hypnotized I never felt this way
You got my heart beating Like an 808
Can you rise To the occasion of love?
I'm patiently waiting because It's getting late
And I can't get enough So let me get it up
I like this part, cool
Feels kinda good
(Chorus verse two and repeat)
As she dances, she begins to realize that she needs the Silly Side less and less to keep the guards distracted. I am HOT, she thought, maybe if this gig with Boobu doesn't work out I could have a future in this. Soon she was able to work her way over to the Captain and dance with him a bit. As they danced, Jammies was able to use her pick pocket skills to work the Captain's access key out of his pants and slip it into her pocket.
When the song is finished, Jammies jumps up on top of a table.
Jammies: THANK YOU CORUSCANT!!!
Guards: WHOOOO go JAMMIES, GO Jammies (whistles come from the back of the crowd)
Jammies: THANK YOU!!! Ya'll been great! I'm outta here!
Jammies runs towards the exit of the barracks and back out into the lab. Snickering on how ridiculously easy that was she made her way to where the device was kept.
With the guard's security clearance, it was not a problem to get inside. The device was a small, glowing green orb hooked up to all sorts of readouts and monitoring systems. She started disconnecting the device VERY carefully. As Jammies was finishing, she herd a voice from behind her.
Voice: Well, YOU definitely are NOT what I was expecting.
Jammies turned around to face her opponent.
Jammies: (snidely) Jedi Phalanx, I thought I smelled your fowl stench as you entered the room.
Phalanx: (laughing) Yes, you are DEFFINETLY Boobu's apprentice. So do you fight as badly as he does, or are you worse?
Jammies sneered at Phalanx. After first making sure the device was securely put away, she ignited her light sabers.
Jammies: Let's find out
Phalanx: (mocking) OOOhhhh TWO sabers? You REALLY must be special.
Phalanx: Oooh I'm shaking!
Jammies lunged forward towards Phalanx. If not out of want to attack as much as wanting to wipe the arrogant smirk off of Phalanx's face.
Just before Jammies could strike, Phalanx brought out and ignited HIS saber. His DOUBLE BLADED light saber.
Jammies stopped just short of striking: (under breath) Awwww CRAP!
Phalanx: (smirking) Bring it shorty!
Jammies: (pissed) Oh, it's on, Jedi scum. It's SOOOOOOO on.
And so an epic duel of Silly proportions began. Jammies lunged at Phalanx and was blocked, Phalanx made a fury attack and was blocked, much to his surprise.
Jammies: Your lack of humor is your downfall.
Phalanx: Your faith in the Dark Silly Side is yours!
Jammies saw an opening in Phalanx's defense and took it. But it was a trap! Phalanx blocked the attack and then twisted the handle on his saber, breaking it in half to make two separate sabers. He then went on the offensive, hammering strike after blow on Jammes. Jammies was beginning to think there wasn't going to be an easy way out of this unless she did something soon.
Jammies: Hold up. Jedi don't do evil laughs!
Phalanx: Erm…hmmmm. There's a point.
Jammies took the momentary break in the battle to zap Phalanx with Silly Lightning. Phalanx at first got blasted across the room, but then dropped his saber(s) and held out his hands and ABSORBED THE SL!!!
Jammies ramped up the silliness of the SSL and Phalanx just smirked.
Phalanx: So certain you seem this will defeat me. Much you have still to learn.
Phalanx then took the absorbed SSL and turned it into a Light Side Pie and hurled it at Jammes. Jammies, stunned at the turn of events got the pie splattered all over herself and the surrounding area behind her. All of a sudden Jammies felt very weak and slipped on the pie covered floor.
Jammies: What the hell???
She tasted the pie.
Jammies: Bleck! I HATE Banana cream pie!
Phalanx came over, pulling a pair of stun cuffs out of his belt.
Phalanx: As I said, you still have much to learn. Now, I'll be taking that device back, and YOU are under arrest.
Jammies looked around, trying to think of SOME thing that would bail her out of the situation. As Phalanx bent down and grabbed her arm, she spotted a rather conveniently placed canister of explosive confetti nearby.
Jammies: You underestimate my silliness!
Phalanx realized something bad was on its way: Don't try it.
Jammies stretched out with the Silly Force and chucked the canister at Phalanx's head. The resulting explosion rocked the room, and tossed Jammies outside.
Once Jammies landed on the ground, she took stock and made sure she still had the device. After that, she hauled ass back to her ship and took off.
After a short rest, Jammies activated the comm station to report back to Boobu.
Boobu answered, much to Jammies relief.
Boobu: (still somewhat mad) What is it?
Jammies: My master, I have successfully retrieved the device. What do you wish me to do with it?
Boobu: (cheering) Well done Lord Jammies. Bring it here to me at Rhen Var.
Jammies: Yes, my master. One more thing, about earlier….Regarding Ashla….There's something you should see.
Boobu: (REALLY PISSED) I told you, NO MORE LIES!"
Jammies: But Master I have proof!
Jammies then inserted a data sphere into her ship's subspace transceiver. The data containing her proof was immediately transmitted over to Boobu's main viewer, where he saw the recording transpire before his very eyes.
Boobu's eyes widened from shock. He couldn't believe what he saw and heard. The passionate moans, the creaking of the speeder as it bounced up and down...and the complete and utter joy both parties experienced from this forbidden union. It was too much for the dark lord of the silliness to bear.
Boobu: no...No...NO! PHALANX!!!! I'LL KILL THEM! I'LL KILL THEM BOTH! And it will not be silly! It will be un-silly! It will be the most non-silliest duel seen since...Revan vs Malak!
Boobu then remembered that he was still transmitting his signal to Jammies.
Boobu: We'll talk later...
Jammies: Yes, master…..
Boobu cut the transmission off and Jammies was left standing speechless.
Phalanx got up from the pile of rubble he had landed in. He looked around at what remained of the research lab. The data on the device had been utterly destroyed, and the surrounding work areas were trashed. But the thing that hurt most was the fact that a good sized chunk of the building had landed on his brand new speeder parked outside.
Ashla came running up: What happened?
Phalanx: (sulking) The girl got away.
Ashla: But not for long.
Ashla: While I was waiting, I placed a tracker on her ship. We'll be able to follow the signal back to wherever she lands to give Boobu the device.
Phalanx: Have I told you lately how much I'm in love with you?
Ashla came over to Phalanx and he put his arms around her.
Ashla: What was that thing anyway?
Phalanx: We think it's some sort of inter-dimensional teleporter. It's believed to have once belonged to Darth Bandon. Hopefully the databanks were able to record enough about it for the developers to work with.
Ashla: Hmm. Shouldn't we be going to get it back then?
Phalanx: Well, I was sorta hoping we might have time for something else first…..
Ashla shook her head: If we let too much time pass we might not be able to track the signal. Once we find where Boobu is, there'll be plenty of time.
Phalanx: As you wish…...
* * * * *
Jammies carefully set down the starship in front of Boobu. She could sense that he was disturbed by the recent events.
Jammies: Master I….
But before Jammies could continue, Ashla's ship appeared in the atmosphere and settled down for a landing. Soon the ramp descended and Ashla ran down it and started to run towards Boobu, assuming that he was there to greet her. But as she came close, Boobu took a step back.
Ashla: Baby, what's wrong?
Ashla reached out to touch Boobu's face, but the angry silly sith lord smacked her hand away.
Boobu: YOU ARROGANT HARLOT! How long did you think you could keep this hidden from me?!
Ashla: (gasping) You know...?
Boobu: Thanks to my apprentice. Now your treachery has been revealed!
Tears began to weld up in Ashla's eyes. She looked away from Boobu as a frigid breeze blew in.
Ashla: Boobu...Traal...I didn't want you to find out this way.
Boobu: AND JUST HOW WAS I SUPPOSE TO FIND OUT? When Phalanx planted his seed in you?!
Ashla broke down and wept from her shame.
Boobu growled his disgust and turned away.
Boobu: Why, Ashla? I thought I meant something to you...
Ashla: I...I never loved you Traal! I loved things about you...your power, your command of the silly force, your hilarity. But never you as a person. You're...evil.
In a split second, Boobu unsheathed his cyan colored lightsaber and held it to the back of Ashla's neck. An execution gesture.
Boobu: I should kill you right here and now. But I won't. Not out of mercy, though. I want you to suffer. You will rot for eternity in filth and grime as my new silly empire is brought to the fore. And you will live out the remainder of your days as a slave.
Boobu turned to walk away.
Boobu: Go back to your treacherous Jedi lover...you whore...
Ashla continued to weep as the frigid cold of Rhen Var enveloped her. But she was then covered over by a familiar looking Jedi cloak. Phalanx knelt by her side and embraced her.
Boobu had only taken a few steps away when he sensed Phalanx's presence.
Boobu: As for you, brother...you and I still have some unfinished business. Meet me at the tallest mountain peak in one hour. Come alone, and prepare to make peace with the Silly Force!
Jammies smirked at Phalanx and Ashla, who only glared at her in returned. Jammies then ran over to join Boobu and matched his stride while walking alongside him.
Jammies: (in awe) Master, that was… most impressive.
Boobu: Do you still have the device?
Jammies: The teleporter? Yes.
Boobu: Then go secure it.
Jammies: *pauses* That's going to take some time, master. Shouldn't we be heading to the mountain?
Boobu: There is no 'we' this time Lord Jammies. I am ordering you to stay behind and not to interfere.
Jammies: Master, I….
Boobu: (cutting Jammies off and with warning tone) This is not open for discussion, Jammies, you WILL stay here and guard the device. Guard it with your life.
Jammies: Yes, master.
Jammies stopped and watched her master continue on. After a moment she called out to Boobu.
Boobu turned around.
Jammies: May the Silly Force be with you. And kick that cheating bastard's ass.
Boobu nodded his head in thanks for the well wishes and continued on towards the mountain. A few moments later Phalanx brushed past Jammies and seemed to hesitate for a moment.
Jammies: Afraid, Jedi?
Phalanx: I will do what I must.
Jammies: (snide and snickering) You will try, and you will get your ass handed to you.
Phalanx glared at Jammies and then continued on after Boobu. Jammies headed back to the ships and found Ashla sitting in the same spot, looking bitter.
Jammies: Happy now, muqi?
Ashla looked up, startled. Jammies could see how much she'd been crying. Her eyes were red and puffy.
Jammies: What do you see in that jerk anyway?
Ashla: Well he doesn't want to take over the universe for one.
Jammies: Bah, that just means he has no ambition.
Ashla: What about you? Surely you want something more.
Jammies: And I will have something more. Once Boobu takes over…
Ashla: (cutting in) Then what? Do you know he KILLED his own master? What about when you get too much for him to handle? He's killed allies before; he's fighting his BROTHER now. Do you really think he won't kill you as well?
Jammies had to think about this. She had seen the outburst Boobu had when he learned the truth. She also saw him almost kill his fiancé. And as Ashla pointed out, he was fighting his brother now.
As Jammies paused continued to think about this, there was a distant roar on the mountainside. Both Jammies and Ashla looked up to see two small flashes of yellow light wink out as an avalanche covered it over. There was a small cyan light still standing on top of the mountain.
Ashla got up and walked towards her ship.
Ashla: Do you really want that to be you?
Ashla took off and flew towards the avalanche. Jammies could see the ship had landed near where Boobu and Phalanx had been fighting. And she could sense the thoughts of her Master and his former lover. There was a great deal of anger and arguing, but it appeared that some kind of deal had been reached. In the end, Ashla's ship took off with what appeared to be Phalanx in her care.
Jammies then sensed her Master making his way down the mountain.
Jammies waited for Boobu to return to the landing pad before she walked over to her privet starfigher and began powering it up.
Boobu: Where are you off to?
Jammies looked at Boobu and couldn't find the words to tell him how she felt at the moment. Boobu looked at her, and at the ship. He could sense her feelings.
Boobu: (quietly) Your thoughts betray you, my apprentice.
Jammies: I'm sorry my master……
Boobu: So that's it eh?!
Jammies was taken aback by Boobu's sudden outburst.
Boobu: I took you in when you were nothing but a street urchin! A freak with wings that the people of Corellia hated! I gave you direction, a purpose! The galaxy would have been ours! Now Ashla's treachery has spread to you like a festering plague!
Jammies: Master, it's not like that….
Boobu: It doesn't matter what it is anymore. My brother betrayed me. My fiancé' left me. Now you're abandoning me too! Hah, it looks like Master Yogi was right...
Boobu clenched his fist. He seethed with a rage his apprentice was unaccustomed to seeing. She wanted to say something to smooth things over. Something to calm him down, but the words did not come to her.
Boobu: So, what will you do in this meaningless galaxy?
Jammies: I had an offer made by a talent scout while I was on Coruscant. I'm going to be a rock star.
Boobu scoffed...and then chuckled. That gave way to a full fledged fit of psychotic laughter that echoed beyond the tundra they stood on. Boobu turned his back to his apprentice while this went on. It made Jammies feel particularly uneasy that this was not going to end well.
Boobu: You want...fame? Adulation? How...vain. It's so vain, it's almost silly! No, it is silly! It's ridiculously hilarious! Hahahahahah!
Jammies took one last look at the raving madman she had once called Master. Then she sealed the cockpit and took off. Boobu watched Jammies leave, then took out a remote that had a big red button. Watching Jammies' ship a few moments more, he pressed the button and watched the starship explode in a shower of beautiful blue, red, magenta and yellow metallic confetti.
Boobu: I'm almost sorry it had to come to this. You were my first apprentice. Almost like the deranged daughter I never had. And never will.
Boobu watched for a few more seconds as the debris from Jammies' starship fell back to the frozen ice. He then noticed the interdimensional teleportation device inert in the ground and went to pick it up. He chuckled to himself as he pondered its vast uses.
Boobu: Ah well, time for plan B. The Sol system awaits...and a Terran Empire will be formed!
* * * * *
Bartender: Wait that was YOU?
Bartender: *erm…. Did you need something to eat? It's gotten awfully late, or early, depending how you look at it.
Boobu cocked his head and looked at the Bartended strangely: (mutters) That sounds like something my apprentice used to say. (normal talking) But, no matter. Some Nerf and eggs would be nice. OOOHH! You wouldn't happen to have any Bantha ribs would you? You know, BBQ, with the sauce dripping off the sides. The tangy sweet juice pooling on the plate…..
Bartender: Ooohhhh you're making me HUNGRY. And you wouldn't LIKE me when I'm HUNGRY……..
Boobu's head snapped up in recognition.
Boobu: JAMMIES?????? WHAT THE FREAKING HELLL!?!??!?!!?
Jammies leapt over the bar, tackling Boobu to the ground and held one of her light sabers against his head.
Boobu: Are you going to kill me?
Jammies: I would certainly like to!
Boobu: Hahaha, oh yes, I know you would...I can feel your silliness! It gives you humor, makes you funnier!
Jammies: (cracking up) Heh ahheheeheh AAHAHAH MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
The look on your face, old man……hehehehehe.
Boobu: (sourly) Yes, yes. GET OFF OF ME!
Jammies stood up and pulled Boobu up off the floor. At the same time she released her command of the Silly Side and stood before Boobu as her normal self and not the 'human' bartender he had been talking to
Boobu sized Jammies up.
Boobu: My you've changed. You're actually a normal height now.
Jammies: Yea yea yea…. And I see you're somewhat over your psychotic episode, which bodes well for my continued health.
Boobu: Which brings me back to; WHAT THE FREAKING HELL!? You're OLD, and more importantly, you're ALIVE.
Jammies: (somewhat peeved) First off, I am not OLD. I have simply mastered the Silly side of the force in that I will never die. And I KNEW you hid those confetti canisters on my ship. So I had a contingency plan. When you hit that button, the cockpit separated from the rest of the ship and I was free to get away.
Boobu: But how did you master the Dark Silly Side?
Jammies looked smug as she pulled something out of a nearby cubby.
Jammies: This look familiar?
Boobu's head started spinning.
Boobu: That's Master Yogi's holocron…..
Jammies: Actually, it's a copy of it. I've kept it with me all this time.
Boobu was highly impressed with his former student. Even, somewhat proud.
Boobu: Yes, lying, deceit, and theft. You HAVE learned well.
Boobu considered the timing of things and decided it was indeed a good thing he and Bspace had split. Now he could move forward with his plans for Galactic Domination.
Boobu: Erm, Jammies…..
Boobu thought it was worth a try: I have a mission for you.
Jammies: Galactic Domination?
Boobu nodded yes.
Jammies smiled: What is thy bidding, my master? However, this time it comes with a price- you don't go ANYwhere near my ship.
Boobu: (smiled broadly) Heh heh heh, Now, my not so young apprentice, since you have been studying Master Yogi's teachings, you are no doubt familiar with the legend of HALO. I want you to find it.
Jammies: Oh, this is going to be fun…..
Boobu: AND silly.
THE END…for now.