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*Sniffs* What is that pleasing aroma…?? Ah, it's the sweet savoury smell of SYNDICATION, OR MNA does EPISODE 100: The Variable.

This week's Deep Voiced Previously on Lost is about all things Faraday, and recaps how Faraday wanted Dessie Des to go find his mother, and how Ms Hawking was totally jamming to get the O6 to go back, and how Ben shot Dessie Des right through his bag of groceries, and how random other stuff all interconnected this season.

So we get a BANG THROUGH THE HOSPITAL DOORS DRAMATIC RUSH and Dessie Des is rushed to the OR, with Penny still looking smoking' hot even with her husband's blood all over her and stressed out. Yep, she's still got it. And Charlie² is all about bringing the cute and is all, "Daddy." So Penny gets the brush off from the staff and goes to wait.

And so who should show up but MS HAWKING. She makes small talk about Charlie² and then is all, "He has his father's hair." I beg to differ, but anyways this piques Penny's interest and is all "Who the frell are you?" and Ms Hawking is all apologetic and shit and is all, "I think my son is the reason your husband got shot."

So Penny drops her bundle and is all "Your son is Ben Linus? Ew, get away devil woman!" And Ms Hawking totally throws up in the back of her mouth a little like anyone would ever suspect that such a devil child would come from her, and she's all, "Back up a minute woman! I'm Dan Faraday's mother!"

Then there is this thing about playing really creepy violin music of creepiness as we get Penny's OMFG WHAT IS THIS reaction. There will be a lot of those this episode, believe you me.

So THIRTY YEARS EARLIER Dan Faraday rocked back up to Craphole and is all, "How's it hangin'?" and Miles is all duh…. Duh… doy. He thinks Dan was off inventing the DVD or something! LUL LULZ AND MORE LULZ

So Dan is all, "I don't have time for pleasantries. Or you know, being normal." And he's needs to see Jack, like FIVE MINUTES AGO.

So Jack has just been woken up by Dan's incessant knocking. Dan, if the light isn't on, nobody's home. Or they're trying to sleep. Get a clue.

So Jack walks out and the sole purpose of this scene is to make the ladies DROOL TO THE MAX because Matthew Fox is bring the FOXXXXXY and has no shirt on. But he does by the time he opens the door, so sucks to be the ladies, I guess.

That one's for YOU, Boba!

And after some random incoherent babbling from Faraday he gets to the point and tells Jack that it was NOT their destiny to come back to Craphole and indeed that THEY DON'T BELONG. I bet Jack is feeling a lot like Pinocchio right, "You don't belong! You're not a REAL BOY!"

SWIRLY GIRLY WHIZZAMATRON LOST DRIVE-BY TITLE

So Dan finally gets a full-on flashback treatment. And he's playing a piano. And there's a metronome. And he's playing some piece I have absolutely no idea what it is and so I'd have to ask Acky. And so he's playing and then a younger Ms Hawking (not to be confused with the even YOUNGER Ms Hawking we saw in the '50s. Come on, keep up!) walks in and looks like she's been crying or is working up to do something she doesn't like or whatever. She's so prissy she's probably had to go and get the mail from the letterbox and she hates that.

ANYWAYS Dan, who is clueless at the best of times, picks up on Mommy Dearest's sadness, and so it must be that obvious, but he thinks its 'cause she dislikes his playing. But she thought it was rad. She asks him about destiny, but he doesn't know what it is. Well, he wasn't that brightest spark in the plug when he was younger, was he? So Ms Hawking totally gets the meaning of destiny WRONG, but anyways, she basically tells her son he has this wicked cool gift and he needs to nurture it, so he needs to stop with all these things that he likes to do, like play music. Even though Dan claims he can do both (nurture his mathematical/physics smartness and play music) Mommy Dearest says NOOOOOOO and makes a point of shutting that piano lid. Take THAT, Dan.

So Jack is trying in vain to get Dan to you know, make some sense, but he babbles off scene, and then Jack rocks up to Sawyer's for a chinwag. But Sawyer is busy on account of the hostage he's sitting on (not literally) in his house and so everyone's on edge and stuff. But Juliet, ever the one to cut through the shit, gets Sawyer to bring Jack up to speed on the Wet Blanket they're trying to spin dry in their closet.

They show tied up Phil to Jack and Jack is so used by now to weird crazy creepy shit happening that he is basically not reacting to this at all. LULZ.

So Miles and Dan are chilling at the Orchid and Dan totally predicted Chang's arrival. He goes down into the Orchid following ChangyWickmanCandleFace and then happens to WALK RIGHT INTO THE SCENE FROM THE SEASON PREMIERE where the Dharma personnel have drilled into the exotic dark faecal matter stuff and Dan needs a hardhat and the construction worker is all, "Even though that guy is ten times smarter than me he is a nutty loser." And Dan is all, "Yeah….." and then we get new stuff as he stalks the hell out of Chang and tries to get him to evac the island. Chang is all, "Brush off brush off. I don't have time for pions." And Dan is all, "I'm so goddamn crazy you have to listen to me. I'm from the future!"

And Chang is all, "WTF how can I possibly take this seriously even on this island?"

So Chang reckons that since Dan heard him talking to the foremen about time travel that Dan is engaging in a massive episode of Punk'd on his ass. He does the whole, "I am your father" speech to Chang, only about how HE is Miles' father.

Miles is all, "Don't look at me" and then Dan is all, "Thanks for the support, DOUCHE-HEAD."

Then we flashback to Dan's Oxford graduation, and he's all YAY with Theresa, and they find Dan's mother, and it is now that Ms Hawking engages in the best BRUSH-OFF IN HISTORY, either in fiction or real life that I have ever witnessed. She is a total COLD HARD BITCH. It's fricken hilarious. She's not even a bitch, she's a fricken ARCH-BITCH. I lol'ed to the max at this. Dan's all, "This is Theresa," and Ms Hawking is all, "I DON'T CARE TALK TO THE HAND" so Dan tries a different tack: "She's my girlfri…" Ms Hawking = "I'm NOT LISTENING. SHUT THE F**K UP" except it is better coming from her because she has a stiff upper lip British accent and has made a lifetime out of giving people the cold shoulder. She is truly something to behold in this scene.

Meanwhile, Dan has really really really really shitty hair in this flashback. It's like… worse than the shitty hair they gave to poor Michael Emerson and Alan Dale the other week. I know he's supposed to be the stereotypical "I'm so immersed in my work I don't know what personal hygiene is" stereotype they give to scientists on TV, but still… Come on….

Anyways, so after Theresa got kicked to the curb by Mommy Dearest, Dan whines about how Ms Hawking is such a hardass and how even though he is the youngest doctorate to ever ever ever graduate Oxford, she is still a total Gorgonzola. Ms Hawking cackles evilly like this is all in a day's work and Dan lets her know that on top of all his outstanding excellence, he got a massive-ass research grant from one Charles Widmore. Ms Hawking totally chokes on her drink, and then is all, "Oh wow. This one is so pleased."

Then she reverts to bitchface mode and is all, "You should know that even though I ride you like a horse, a stallion even, I still wuv you." And she gives him a gift and then totally leaves. The gift is THE journal that Dan writes all about his constants and time-fu wackery in.

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So Sawyer has gathered everyone who is important (re: all the people whose names appear in the opening credits) in his and Juliet's Love Shack and is basically, "Screw you guys for ruining mine and Juliet's sexy times. We've now gotta go on the lam." Hurley is all, "Can't you tell them that Die Harding Wet Blanket was a mistake?" And so Sawyer awesomes him by replying, "What should I say? My fist slipped and hit his face?"

OMG SAWYER IS SO LOL-WORTHY.

Juliet is pretty pissed herself, but she hides it well and is all, "Where are we gonna go?" And so Sawyer is all, "We either act out Das Boot or hightail it back to the beach."

Jin is all, "Hey, the writers promised Sun and me would be reunited. We still haven't. This is unamusing. I stay." And Hurley concurs and then Dan comes banging down the door. Again, Dan, take a hint.

So Miles updates Sawyer on how Dan is still on the crazy train headed to Crazyville at crazy o'clock and then Dan is all, "My mother is an Other. She will tell us what to do! Quick! To the DanMobile. Away!"

In the flashback, Dan is now re-enacting that flashback from early season 4 when he saw the wreckage of "Oceanic 815" being found and then he cried and didn't know why. Oh, and that woman who asked what was wrong? Turns out she is an anti-climax and is merely his caretaker because Dan has problems with his memory.

Also, his hair is leagues better here. Yay!

There's a knock at the door and hey, its CHARLES WIDMORE.

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Widmore is all surprisingly nice to Dan and Dan thinks he is there to yank his funding or something on account of how he got kicked out of Oxford and also because he did his experiments on Theresa. But Widmore is actually there to offer him another gig. Dan cries some more about the 815ers, and Widmore is all, "Tee hee. I faked that wreckage. I'm so clever and rich!"

And Dan is all, "Why tell me this?" And Widmore could be making fun of him but I don't think he actually is, when he says, "Well, you won't remember tomorrow." But then he goes on to rave about Craphole and how it will heal Dan's memory and it is a smorgasbord of scientific awesomeness.

He makes a comment that Dan says reminds him of Ms Hawking. Widmore smiles and chuckles one of those chuckles that I think only older people can use because they've had so much life experience and pathos and memories. And then he's all, "That's because we are old friends." And that violin music returns with a vengeance, offering up a discordant note of UBER CREEPINESS!

Sawyer: "So your mother is an Other?"

LULZ

So Dan reveals how they previously met his mother briefly in 1954 and Hurley name-drops the Fonz LUL ULILZZZZZZ

So Jack flies in Sawyer's face and is all, "Hey, Kate can take you there!" and then Sawyer and Jack unzip their pants to argue about what Kate can and can't do like she isn't even in the room and like they have Victorian Era attitudes towards women like women can't even breathe without the say-so of a man.

Jack plays the "Aaron" card and Kate is so about to crack, but then Sawyer calls Kate FRECKLES. Jack is unamused. Juliet looks like someone stabbed her insides. So then she totally tells Dan the code for the sonic fence of doom and then tells Kate she should go with Dan because he is crazy and needs a chaperone. Kate silently thanks Juliet for letting her go, because the room is so awkward right now and I think it is only now that Sawyer realises what just happened.

So Dan and Kate leave and before Jack follows, Sawyer tells him that he's making an uber-bad and when he realises that he has indeed done this, they'll be waiting at the beach.

Juliet is still falling apart. Sawyer is all, "Little House on the Prairie is over. Let's hit the bricks."

Kate reminds Dan they need to be careful around the Others and they go to grab some weaponry from the motor pool. Jack has keys because he is a janitor and all and is awesome.

Dan sees SOMEONE on the swing set and is all, "Erm…. meet up with you guys later."

The SOMEONE is a young girl with red hair which is actually very luscious and awesome and she is so very very cute and has a British accent. HEY OMG IT IS YOUNG CHARLOTTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Young Charlotte looks guilty. She is going to town on this block of chocolate. She thinks Dan is there to bust her, because as she admits, "I'm not allowed to have chocolate before dinner."

AWESOMENESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

So Dan does what he swore he wouldn't. He gets all weepy and creepy in his intensity and tells her she has to leave and she shouldn't be here, and he gets in really close and poor Young Charlotte thinks he is crazy as she will tell him years later.

She's crying too.

So Dan beats it, and Kate and Jack are totally engaging in gun porno and are all LOCK AND LOAD, ASSHOLES.

Then goddamn Annoying Face Radzinsky shows up to be an asshole and Dan couldn't lie his way out of a paperbag and since he is such a n00b with a gun he waves it all about like it's the hokey pokey and Kate and Jack trade a look like, "Who is this stoopid fool?" and then there is this EPIC MASSIVE GUNFIGHT LIKE THIS IS A WESTERN and Jack goes so far as to BLOW UP A FRIGGEN FUEL TANK like he is in a BLOCKBUISTER MOVIE and Dan gets shot in the neck and flails all about like a girl, but I really think this would be offending the female population and then Jack's EPIC DIVERSION lets the trio ACTION COMMANDO ROLL in to a jeep and ZOOM THE FUCK OUTTA THERE. But since Kate isn't driving there is NO EPIC WHEELIE.

So adult Dan is playing that piece on the piano again and Ms Hawking shows up and is all, "I'm being really obvious to the audience here, but hey, TAKE THIS JOB. Widmore is awesome. His philanthropy is awesome. The island will make you better. Its totally an opportunity of a lifetime."

And so Dan is all, "Will it make you proud of me?"

And Ms Hawking breathes, "Yes. It will." If she was a decent mother, she would've said something along the lines of, "I'm already proud of you. I've always been proud of you" or something.

Fionnula Flannigan totally acts the shit out of this scene and does a flawless job of facilitating between choking on her words as she dooms her own son to acting like she really does think this will be good for him.

So they rock up to the sonic fence of doom and Dan is cry babying about his flesh wound so Jack has a look and Dan is all, "Whatever happened, happened, but since this is OUR present, we can die. Like, did I have this scar when I met?" And this actually honestly makes sense to me when I didn't think it would.

So Sawyer points out that Juliet was right re: the O6 messing up their relationship and they make up and its all very touching so I won't try and recap it here. Because it's. Just. Too. Awesome.

And there's all this talk about, "You still got my back?" "Well you still got mine?"

And then that stoopid Dharma alarm of Impending Doom sounds and Juliet and Sawyer are all, "We're borked."

So Jin swears like a trooper in Korean when he and Hurley spot Annoying Head Radzinsky and some minions marching over to Sawyer's. Radzinsky talks some smack to Sawyer, "I got shot by a physicist!" and Wet Blanket takes this opportune time to make a ruckus and Saywer and Juliet's cover is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay blown, and Radzinsky begins to hold them hostage! In their OWN HOME! What is this madness?

So Jack, Kate and Dan stop to rest and Jack is all, "We need guns to talk to your mother?" Dan is all, "Hey you don't know her! Don't judge me!"

So Jack changes tack and that rhymes and then Jack is all, "Well then, tell me why we don't belong here!"

Dan really should've said, "Don't tell me what I can't do!" but then Locke would've had to copyright that statement, so instead Dan says, "Four hours from now, the Dharma minions will drill into a particle of exotic matter. This will be uber-bad, and so they will have to cement in the place like Chernobyl. This place is the Hatch. The Hatch is where Desmond ends up. He'll have to push a button. The button contains the red matter/exotic matter/All Spark. One day this place will fly over the island. On this day Desmond will fail to push the button. The plane will be magnetised to the island and CRASH. You are on the plane. And after the plane crashes, a philanthropist who actually lived here once but we don't know that so I won't add that bit, well, he will send a team of psychotic marines and me and Charlotte here. Stop me if you're catching on."

Hey! He just summed up Lost in two minutes!

So Jack and Kate are all WTF at each other. They know this story. It seems familiar to them.

I think they're catching on.

It all comes back around, bitches!

Dan explains that he's been focusing on the constants so much in his theories, that he neglected the variables. Jack is kinda humouring him now, but Dan reveals that PEOPLE are the variables, and that he plans to destroy the Swan which means that 815 will never have crashed and every single thing will be different.

Wowsers. Like….. OMGQRWT*DRTWTFWTFWTF

Oh, and yeah, Dan plans to use the bong bomb to blow up the Swan.

And I think Penny is more than slightly confused here in 2008 because her and Desmond have been sitting on top of the C-Plot all season and so Ms Hawking is all kind with the explanations as to how she is DAN FARADAY's Mommy Dearest and not Weasel Boy Linus.

Perish that thought, Penny, perish it now!

So Ms Hawking expositions some more and is all, "Your husband has become a casualty in a conflict bigger than all of this show's cast and crew out together." And so Penny totally has a coronary and is all, "HAVE YOU READ AHEAD IN THE SCRIPT? A casualty? WTF? Are you the Oracle from the Matrix?"

And Ms Hawking is all, "Sorry dear. Have to keep the audience on their toes! What I meant to say was… erm… for the first time in a long time I have no idea what will happen this time."

And Penny is all, GOOGLY EYES and "Thanks for giving me a HEART ATTACK."

A nurse shows up and is all, "Your husband is in the recovery room. You can see him now." And its kinda weird but this random nurse shows up to look after Charlie² like he's not even allowed in to see his own father and Ms Hawking smiles because all is well in the C-Plot and leaves.

So Penny and Dessie Des pull on our heartstrings a lot and show us just how much goddamn uber-chemistry Henry Ian Cusick and Sonia Walger have and it is glorious and awesome. And Dessie Des is all, "I promised I'd never leave you" and Penny cries and I cry and we all cry together.

That bag of groceries totally saved Desmond's life. Here's to the milk and eggs that sacrificed their lives so Desmond could return to his Penny.

So Ms Hawking is out front about to catch a cab and Widmore stalks up behind her and is all, "Is he going to be all right?"

And Ms Hawking, facing away from Widmore, totally pulls a face like she just smelled something dirty. It is AWESOME. And then she answers Widmore to his face. And Widmore genuinely seems happy that his son-in-law is okay.

So Ms Hawking is all, "Penny's in there. You should go see your daughter." And Widmore is all, "No. My relationship with my daughter is one of the things I had to sacrifice."

And Ms Hawking gets all up on her high horse and rides it off into the sunset: "Don't you talk to me about sacrifices! I had to send my son back to the island!"

And then Widmore drops a clanger: "He's my son too, Eloise."

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Let's rewind that, shall we? I need to see if I heard it correctly.

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"He's my son too, Eloise!"

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For good measure.

So Ms Hawking apparently doesn't like being reminded of her son's paternity, as she winds up and gives Widmore a GLORIOUS SLAP TO HIS FINELY REFINED CHEEKBONE. Nobody slaps like a upper crust British lady. NOBODY.

And then she turns on her heel and gets that taxi. Widmore is left to stare after her and, I assume, reminisce on his mistakes and all that has led him to this point. And maybe he's regretting what they sent their son back to.

+



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Even though Dan does not have the surname of EITHER PARENT. You go figure it out.

So Kate is all, "You are all drinking crazy sauce" and Jack is all, "Hello, have you not been paying attention? We were flying on a plane in 2008 and FLASHY FLASHED to Dharmaville and all this random crap in 1977. Also, Sawyer is boinking Juliet. How is this any crazier?"

And so Dan is all, "I'm craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-zzzzzzzzzzzzzyyyyy" and runs off into Camp Other. Jack is about to stop him, but Kate lets him go. I bet she just wants to be rid of the crazy sauce.

So Dan must have some balls somewhere, as he runs into Camp Other not at all stealthily and is in fact BRANDISHING HIS GUN and waving it all about like this is the hokey pokey and the Others just wont dance.

And he's calling out like batshit for Eloise, but the Others are even more, "You're one crazy f**k aren't you?" than Kate and Sawyer.

Richard pops up and is all, "She's not at home right now. Can I take a message?"

So Dan raves on about the bong bomb and Dan is all, "I'll give you until the count of three to tell me where Eloise and the bung boob bomb are."

He gets to two and then BLAM IN THE SILENCE there is a gunshot. Richard looks shocked as all getup.

But it was Dan who got shot. From behind.

And he was shot by MOMMY DEAREST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG TO THE MAX!

Ellie is all, "What, he had a gun on you. So shoot me. Oh… wait…"

And then Dan realises that his mother knew this would happen when she sent him back to Craphole and that his ENTIRE. LIFE is just one massive universe-is-laughing-at-you temporal paradox and that his mother was planning for his death all his life and this is all just insanely sad and poetic and wrong and OMG OMG OMG. O.M.G

And he basically info dumps all this to Younger Ms Hawking and she is all, "Who the frell ARE you?"

And he is all, "Your son." Richard kinda looks like he just choked on his lunch. And Younger Ms Hawking leads us into the cliffhanger and Dan collapses with an epic WHAT THE F**K JUST HAPPENED? Look on her face.

CREEPY VIOLIN MUSIC OF CREEPINESS COUPLED WITH BAD ROBOT MEANS END OF LOST EPISODE 100!!

Hello Jacob, it's strange to FINALLY AFTER THREE SEASONS meet you OR MNA does The Incident - Part 1

So we're finally at the business end of the season, folks. And its very very sad because this time next year, it will be the end end. Like, the end of the series end.

Stick that in your pipes and smoke it sadly, because that is contemplating the unthinkable.

ANYWAYS this week, its rather odd and brief because our Previously on Lost - deep throated - very very uber quickly recaps how Jack and Daniel's plan (heh, let's call it Jack Daniel's plan, heh heh heh I'm so clever) is going to utilise the boob bung bong bomb (which I will now call Weaponhead for short, or maybe Dildohead just because I'm immature to the max) to theoretically bow everyone up and therefore stop construction of the Swan and therefore never ever cause the Lostaways to crash and therefore erase the entire chronology of the show. With a season still to go, I'm thinking this will not work out as planned. A not so simple plan, then. Like in Farscape. ANYWAYS

We start off, as we often do in season premieres and finales of Lost following a character who we may or may not already know going about their daily routine. Desmond, Juliet, etc etc Anyways, this time it's a man very very very very, and VERY crucial to the mythology of the show. I'm not going to say his name right now for dramatic effect even though you already know who it bloody well is, and even though I almost immediately guessed who it was even on my first viewing. But the episode script didn't call for this man's name to be revealed until the very end of the scene for dramatic effect, so I won't do it either out of respect for The Man, who is quite awesome.

ANYWAYS AGAIN FOR THE THIRD TIME I NEED TO STOP DIGRESSING and The Man is sitting in a darkened room lit only by a central fire, and he's totally tapping out a beat on a spinning wheel like he's inventing some awesome piece of music on the side. Which he might be. Anyways The Man is making a tapestry, and the architecture of the room suggests it is under/in the Temple, or somewhere on Craphole that has the same architecture and design. There's the whole Egyptian symbology and shit that we're still not really clear on what it means in relation to the island, but its there anyways.

And then The Man goes out to fish. And he's wearing clothes he seems to have made himself, and sandals he appears to have made himself, so something tells me that this flashback is either a looooooooooooooooooong time ago, or The Man is dirt poor, or he is simply a homebody or maybe all of the above. Whatever. So The Man goes out to the shore, and he's put out a series of those fish catching cone things that you use to catch fish if you are too dirt poor or love nature or whatever and can't get a fishing rod.

So The Man is apparently on Jin's level with his fish catchery skillz, and he catches a fish. Which he cooks on a fire on a beach on what is now clearly without a doubt Craphole Island.

And OMG LULZ LULZ LIKE YOU'VE NEVER EVER LULZED BEFORE BECAUSE THE FISH IS A RED HERRING. LULZ FOR GOOD MEASURE. I see what you did there Team Darlton. I'm on to your trickery!

Anyways enough with this tomfoolery and malarky. So The Man eats the red herring, which has all sorts of symbology and philosophy and meaning attached to it, and MMMMMMM that fish is finger licking good. The Man is actually played by that dude from Dexter, so yeah, whatever. Relevant it may not be, but it may also mean that The Man is a serial killer. Or something.

So the man is going to town on his red herring, and off in the ocean, slowly blundering its way to Craphole is a sailing ship which very much looks like THE BLACK ROCK. Applause for Lost please, applause. The Man doesn't give any outward reaction regarding the ship's approach, but I sure fangasmed my ass off.

At this point, I will point out that The Man is dressed in (homespun) white, as while The Man is chowing down on his red herring fourth wall breaker sandwich, another man walks up behind him. He is dressed in equally homespun attire but it is SYMBOLLICALLY JET BLACK LIKE A RAVEN'S FEATHERS.

Now, although I could easily call this second man The Man #2, I won't. For obvious reasons, although this man is never ever named in this episode, many fans have taken to calling him Esau, and if you don't get why that is obvious, you need to go wikia people from the Bible and stuff. Anyways, since the actor who plays The Man #2 comes from Deadwood I will CALL him Deadwood. Hey, this is my recap and I'll do whatever the frell I want with it.

So anyways, Deadwood is all, "Morning" and The Man replies in kind, and even though it IS a fine looking day and all, Deadwood doesn't seem to mean it, as he and The Man obviously have a beef of some kind, what with all the undertones in their voices, and their barbed looks and seemingly age-old fued that just seeps like pus from a pimple in their interactions with each other.

Also, The Man kindly offers his red herring to Deadwood, and Deadwood refuses. That's the hallmark of an Epic Grudge of Timeless Proportions right there.

Deadwood apparently just ate. I wonder what - or who - he ate.

Deadwood is TOTALLY PISSED OFF HIS ROCKER that Dexter The Man has, what he thinks, brought the sailing ship to the island. Dexter The Man doesn't confirm or deny this assertion, and Deadwood is all, "Meh. Mere mortals. They come, they fight, the destroy, conquer and fester and all this other negative adverbs and adjectives." He looks The Man squarely in the eyes and comments, "It always ends the same."

Dexter The Man disagrees. "It only ends once. Everything up until then is mere progress."

Deadwood is so not amused at how Dexter The Man always has to have the last word, so he changes tack, after thinking for a while, and says, "I really will honest to god find a way to kill you one day."

Dexter the Man is all, "Whatever. Bring it."

And so Deadwood doles out some more scant information for the audience and is all, "I will find a loophole and DragonBallz your bearded, homespun ass."

And then Deadwood loses this round, because he gets fed up and is all, "This trading of barbs is getting us nowhere. Nice to talking to you as always, JACOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

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And so then, Dexter The Man who I have been cleverly codenaming this entire scene is actually TEH JACOB THAT HAS BEEN COPIOUSLY NAMEDROPPED AND REFERENCED ON THIS SHOW SINCE LIKE, THREE YEARS AGO, is,

J A C O B

So anyways, Jacob is merely all, "Yep" like the total badass Emperor Palpatine/Krang/Ra's Al Ghul figure he is, and Deadwood gets up and walks away, probably back to his pet Smokey or whatever. And then Jacob goes back to await the arrivial of the BLACK ROCK which is so fucking awesome and then the camera decides to become a cocktease and slowly pans up to show us that all this time Jacob has been lounging in the SHADOW OF THE STATUE and it is FINALLY AFTER OMG SO LONG SINCE LIKE THE SEASON TWO FINALE revealed to us that unlike I previously thought, the statue is not Ra or Anubis, but actually Tawaret, the Egyptian goddess of children/fertility.

And its basically a case of Optimus Prime and Megatron ACTIVATE because this fight is so totally ON.

OMG SWIRLY EERIE LOST TITLE COMING RIGHT AT YOU CAN YOUR BRAIN SHIELDS HANDLE INFORMATION FIREPOWER OF THIS MAGNITUDE BECAUSE ITS NOT A TWAP LIKE ACKBAR WOULD HAVE YOU BELIEVE OMG.

So after the Lost title pisses off because no one cares about it in season finale time anyways, we cut to… I think the 1980s? When Kate Austen was just a young girl crushing on Tom, and by Tom I mean her childhood sweetheart and not the dearly departed Other Mr Friendly Tom.

So in Iowa back in the day, Younger Tom is playing with THAT toy aeroplane and Kate is all, "You do it" to Kate and she's all, "You do it" and so he's all "You do it" and it's a standoff dare where both kids are too chicken and its like OMG we all did this when we were kids and the stakes were OMG so high and there were missions and whatnot.

So anyways, because Kate is a contemporary woman (girl) she's all, "Fine. I am the credits main character in this scene anyways" and so she moseys on in to a supermarket store thing. And Tom has to be…. LOOKOUT. Can you handle the pressure Dr Tom? Well, CAN YOU?

Kate, who is cutesy pie freckled even at this young age, hotfoots it down the supermarket aisle with Patsy Cline playing on the PA system. And she heads down to the lunchbox section and yes, she steals THAT LUNCHBOX featuring the New Kids on the Block (snigger) which will one day become THAT TIME CAPSULE that she and Tom will bury and have much angst over.

But Kate makes the fatal mistake that many a young potential klepto makes: she takes the stolen property and IMMEDIATELY BOLTS FOR THE DOOR. Ah that Kate, she'll make a poor fugitive one day.

So the shop owner totally doesn't want his property stolen, which is kinda understandable, and bags and tags the young sweethearts when he recognises who Kate is (he knows her mother), and detains them for the pigs.

Kate is totally not even crying or anything that she got caught because she is THAT BADASS EVEN AT A YOUNG AGE.

But before he can call the cops, JACOB OMG WALKS INTO THIS FLASHBACK and offers to buy the lunchbox. The shop owner's eyes flash with dollar signs and apparently forgets that these two kids just stole from him, because Jacob offers to pay for the lunchbox and like it would even cost that much anyways it's the principle of the matter but this shop owner was born in weaksauce and so lets it go.

So Jacob playfully taps Kate on the nose like adults often do with children and gives her a big warm smile and is all, "I hope you won't ever steal again Katie" and Kate is all, "No way" and I can't tell if she is bald faced lying or if she genuinely means it.

So Jacob is all, "I am mythical and cool and at least the audience will understand the significance of this moment" and then walks out.

EXIT FLASHBACK.

Jacob's philosophical lesson of the day: So… either Jacob just basically taught Kate that crime does pay or that crime is not crime if someone else can take the heat. I don't know, you decide.

So anyways, out of young flashback klepto Kate we cut to present day Kate, who is, LOL in 1977.

The sub captain is all, "Submerging. Submerging. Fasten your seatbelts, fubars!"

And Kate is all, "I cam back for you Sawer! I came back for YOU. We need to stop trigger happy Jack-ass!"

And Juliet is all lonely and ignored in the corner. But Sawyer leaps to his lady's defense and is all, "Screw off. Juliet and I were having sexy time until you and the Future Fantastic Five gatecrashed it."

And then he's all about trading looks of lust and love and stuff with Juliet, and Kate is all pissed off that her Zeltron pheromones have not worked on Sawyer and Sawyer is basically, "If Jack wants to act like he is still on crack, let him. I'm not a hero."

And that is that.

So Jack is all, "How are frickety frak are we supposed to move a twenty-tonne bomb across the island?" And Sayid is all, "It's thirty." Oh, Sayid, don't be THAT guy.

Fortunately though, Sayid is not all about correcting his friends, as he has been reading Dan's journal and has found that they can disconnect the core and since the core is the piece that has all the explosive content, can just move that instead.

Hawking is all, "Yay for plans that I never had a hand in, but will act like they are mine anyways. Let's move out, bitches."

And Richard is all, "Oh, but you're pregnant. You shouldn't really be walking around hydrogen bombs and stuff." Even though he is fine with her diving underwater and swimming around underground tunnels and stuff. Richard, don't be THAT guy.

And it is fricken hilarious when Richard notes she is pregnant and Jack WHIPS HIS HEAD UP AND GIVES US A MIGHTY SHOCKED LOOK.

Just fricken hilarious. Watch it again if you don't believe me.

So over at the Swan, the man that used to be Radzinsky but I will now call The Radzinsky Beast on account of his BEASTLY NATURE, roars up and is all, "WHO ORDERED THE DRILLING TO STOP?" and some fire comes out of his nostrils a little. Chang chesty up-pumps up to the Beast and is all, "I did. What 'cha gonna do about it?"

And the Radzinsky Beast is all, "ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAARRRR. I have been planning for these experiments ALL MY LIFE. This is my DESTINY and I will CHANGE THE WORLD. RESTART THE DRILL" and so they do restart the drill, and Chang has just been outstripped of rank I think.

2008

So Smug-Arsed Locke and his posse assassination squad are walking and walking… aanaaaaaaad you guessed it, WALKING. And Sun's facial expression is basically, "This is bullshit. I'm tired and NuLocke is an asshole." And Locke is more or less dancing a merry jig back and forth through the group singing, "I'm awesome! I'm awesome! I'm going to kill Jacob and I got resurrected because I'm AWESOME!"

He tells everyone to take five, but not before a chorus of "I'm AWESOME!" once more, with feeling, and then Sun hangs around at the back of the class with Ben and asks about Jacob some more. Sun gets confused with the way Ben has explained it, and Ben throws a prima donna massive hissy because he's Ben.

Richard is kind of awed/confused/suspicious that Locke died, and yet….. is alive. So Locke smugs him a little, and is virtually all, "You say its strange that I'm dead and yet Not.Dead like Trip Tucker on Enterprise, yet I've never seen an ageless man before and yet here you are."

And Richard is all, "I'm this way because Jacob bade it so."

AH! AHA! So the immortality factor DOES come from Jacob then! AH! AHA!

And so Locke is all, "Well, that's why I'm going to see Jacob. To thank him."

LIES LIES THEY'RE ALL BALD-FACED LIES.

Locke continues that they're also going to have to "deal with" the survivors of the Ajira flight. Richard is all, "What do you mean by that?" and so Locke is all smug smug smug, "Don't play coy with me immortal man."

And off of that we cut to those Ajira folk, or a small portion of them anyway, who have canoed up to Craphole with a seemingly unconscious Frank and THAT crate. That must've been a massive epic bitch to row all that way with that heavy stack of metal on board.

So Bram is giving Ilana some lip about Frank who is "that yahoo" and why did they have to bring him along when he couldn't even answer their stupid little question about the statue and like WHO, and I mean WHO is going to be able to answer that anyway?

But Ilana is all, "He may still be important. He could feasibly still be a candidate" and at this point the audience is clued in that Frank is indeed NOT unconscious, he's only pretending, and he's doing so with some very very laughably fake unconscious acting.

But spiffy Ilana can see through laughably fake acting, and is not amused. Frank banters a little and is very funny and he and Ilana could have a sitcom, and then they hustle off with their epic crate. But Frank is curious and Bram is all, "I'm clearly not in charge here" so Ilana makes an executive decision and is all, "Open it." Frank gets a good old gander inside and is all, "Terrific."

It is at this point that I myself actually have a pretty good understanding of what is in the crate and if I am right, then this offers up half a season's worth of WTF-ing, OMG-ing and random nonsensical stuff like this:

Djfh egoeG}EG

Kj[

gu5g

]ie

Huje

Gjeg\7[k\t 79][p[]08fgjhuiflhuopyug58957y

Jdfhksjghrkgh e gheioghgiyd t4t 8y97t807r &%^&$&^$&^$&^%*^%^%&%^&%&^%&^%&^$%&*^&)(*&(*&%$#$&^*&*_)+)(*&^%^$#%^&*()_)(*&^%^$^%#%$%^&*()_+)(*)&^%$$%^&*()__)()*&^%$#%$^%^&*(*()

You get the drift. You also know what Jack is in the box (and by Jack I don't mean OUR Jack just a general Jack whose name may also start with J) so I won't bore you with my theories and anyways I am sure I will know next week.

1976

So ANYWAYS, we then get a piece of flashbackery to a funeral with two coffins, so I am assuming this is Mr and Mrs Ford and that JACOB will pop in for crumpets and tea with LaFleur.

So after the twin caskets have been taken away - and that in itself is very sad - we see young James sitting on the stairs to the church. He is a writing. A letter. Yes, THAT letter. But OH NOES, his pen has run out of ink. Destiny thwarted?

HELLLS NOOOO says Jacob, who indeed DOES rock up with a fully functioning pen. As he hands it to little Jimmy Ford, their fingers brush. I get Sawyer too has been touched by…. What is Jacob? Angel? Demon? Something in between? The tooth fairy?

So Jacob is sorry for Sawyer's loss, and then he vamooses like the wind. Sawyer continues writing his merry little letter and then his uncle rocks up. His uncle begins to read the letter and falters, because, like the audience, he can see where this is going. He promises Sawyer he won't pursue this, and like Kate in her flashback, he lies. This is also the first con Sawyer ever pulled. And he pulled it on his uncle.

We cut to ADULT SAWYER, who is engaged in a lover's tiff with Kate while poor Juliet sits their like a third warp nacelle on a Federation starship. Juliet is sad. Sawyer does not notice. Kate is all, "WE HAVE TO GO BACK…. Wait, that's Jack's line. We have to…. Er…. RETURN to stop Jack from blowing everyone else up. Also, we have to be back so we can become ensnared in the A Plot."

Sawyer is all, "*I* decided to leave the island. *I* will stick to my word. *I* am awesome."

Then some random Dharma minion comes in to give them their orange juice sedative roofies for the trip out of Craphole's time-slowing Danger Zone, and Juliet SWIFTLY JUDO CHOPS the minion so that even handcuffed to the table, he knocks himself out on her knee. Or the tabletop. It was all so unexpected and awesome and kung-fu-y that I was taken by surprise and Juliet has obviously been taking lessons in hardcore badassery off of Sayid. JULIET IS A FIRECRACKER.

Juliet's basic argument is, "Hey, YOU didn't decide. WE did. So STFU and we are going back to stop Jack."

And she frees Kate and Kate is all flabbergasted by this turn of events, and then Juliet is all, "So, James, you gonna sit there and whine like a little pig bitch or are we gonna shake some dust?"

And Sawyer has totally been neutered by the incandescent badassery that is Juliet Burke and he's all "GULP okay."

So the Trio of Awesomeness totally commandeer the sub, and get the captain to let them off, before telling him to make tracks for the mainland. Sawyer also pulls a Han Solo and shoots out the communications grid so Horace and his hippies can't, I don't know, annoy them with requests to stop or whatever.

So Jack is all, "So.. we can just carry the core? Just like that?" And Sayid is all, "Of course silly. They encase the core in metal and shit so we don't get radiation poisoning." And then Jack makes a big deal about keeping a hold of Dan's journal, and I'm not sure because of the camera angle, but it is possible be gave it to the pregnant Ms Hawking.

So Richard pipes up after being a silent Sammy, and makes this big speech about how Locke visited him in the '50s and spoke about destiny and shit and how he's all-so-special and the leader of the Others and whatever and then Richard is all, "…. But I didn't get that vibe when I visited him in those flashbacks when he was a baby and kid and stuff."

And Jack, who has totally done an about face regarding Locke since this series began, is all, "Nah man, don't give up on him yet. Locke is the shizzzzzzz." Which we as the audience see in 2008 when Richard, who has his doubts about Locke still, is willing to give him that chance.

BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM I want you in my room OR MNA does The Incident - Part 2!

So this week its all different because there is no Deep Throated Previously on Lost because this is actually supposed to run right off of Part 1, but since the Oz broadcasters are foolhardy fools from Fool-ifica, they neglected to edit this as one two hour episode. I hope that when the time comes next year and it is the FINAL EVER EPISODE OF LOST IN THE HISTORY OF EVER THE GRAND FINALE that if the producers air this as a two/three hour finale EVER EPISODE in the US that they deign to do the same here.

ANYWAYS I can't stay mad for long because, well, you know, this episode if FULL OF FUCKING AWESOMENESS.

SO we begin this penultimate season finale of Lost with the Arrogant Resurrected Locke, Richard and the Sunshine Gang trooping it across the island. They've left the Lostaway camp and I really hope that Sun took Charlie's Drive Shaft ting with her so she can give it to Claire when Emilie de Ravin returns to grace us with her presence next season for THE FINAL SEASON OMG CLAIRE IS COMING BACK.

Ahem.

Anyways, so Arrogant Resurrected Locke, Richard and the Sunshine Gang are all hot and bothered, and its been a long trek for them so who can blame them. And in the light of day, they come across TEH REMAINS OF TEH STATUE. And yes, there will be many CAPITALS this recap to signify the SHEER COSMIC MAGNIFICENCE of THIS FINAL EPISODE OF SEASON 5, THE PENULTIMATE SEASON OF LOST.

You have been warned. Lock up your daughters and hide the fried chicken!

Anyway, Richard leads the gang to a clearing from which they can view TEH REMAINS OF TEH STATUE. It's pretty epic, even though its now only the one foot.

So Sun and the Others, who have never seen TEH STATUE before (except from a distance, like Sun did) all gape and marvel at this, just like the audience. Locke does not appear as amused and bewildered as he should be, resurrected or not. He totally downplays this to Richard with sarcasm, "Wow. Awesome. Um… why are we here again?"

Richard is all, "It's where Jacob lives, smartass." And Locke's eyes widen in revelation. The religious kind.

1977

So Jack and his gang of awesomeness have just been stopped by the Trio of Terrificness in Sawyer, Kate and Juliet. it's a really awesome standoff happening here.

And so then Jack is all, "My plan is RUINED!" and he goes directly to Kate to ask what's up. But its Sawyer who interjects by being all, "You're a douche and even though we're opposing sides of the same macho coin, we still have this grudging male respect for each other. Now, before you blow us all the fuck up, I need five minutes. You owe me that."

And Jack accedes with equal amounts of grudging alpha male respect.

Then we flashback/flashforward to around the year 2000-ish (although perhaps earlier) to when Jack is doing his surgery thing. And its THAT surgery. You know, the one he told Kate about in the Pilot, and how he made her retell to him in that whole Season 3 mini-cliffhanger thing? Yeah, that surgery. It's pretty epic.

So there's a whole lotta squishiness, and surgical procedures and STAT and then Jack accidentally nicks the dural sac. Oopsie, Jack.

But what we didn't know before was that CHRISTIAN was there supervising this procedure, and while Jack is PISSING HIS PANTS, Christian steps in from the shadows, and basically tells Jack to clam the hell down and count to five. Jack, ever rebellious against daddy, is all, "What? I'm not FIVE ANYMORE! This will not help." So Christian is all zen and "It will help your fear. Count to five and master your fear and you can piss off and *I* will fix this girl."

And just like no one can tell Locke what he can and can't do, no one can tell Jack they are a better person fixer than he is. So Jack gets over himself and counts to five and…. The fear is gone.

Again, I use this word, but it's EPIC.

So later on in the flashback, Jack is trying to get an APOLLO CANDY BAR from a vending machine. But the vending machine is all, "Ha ha! I can play mind games just like your daddy" and refuses to spit out the candy bar. Jack is not amused and beats the poor vending machine into the wall.

And then to rub some more salt in, Christian romps up, but he has good news. The girl made a recovery. Jack is still not amused. Because Daddy showed him up in front of the surgical staff, and Jack has this thing where he needs his team to believe in him because his daddy never will. And I love the face John Terry pulls when Jack says, "You embarrassed me." Its so powerful.

And so then after Jack has his little rant, Christian is all, "Are you sure it's ME who doesn't believe in you, Jack?"

And then he walks off in disgust.

"Are one of these yours?" asks a man behind Jack, with two Apollo bars. ITS JACOB!

Djf ;yg

^hkHJu

UJHJ

Of course it is! This guys lives to walk through other people's flashbacks.

Jack is all, "Thanks. It's a stoopid machine that operates solely to piss me off" so Jacob is all kindness of strangers smile, and then says, "Maybe it needed a little push." JUST LIKE JACK OMG SYMBOLISM.

And I also fangasmed at this scene for one other reason. Just as Christian is walking out the door, Jacob walks in from the opposite direction. COSMIC SIGNIFICANCE of this moment was not lost on me.

ANYWAYS

Sawyer and Jack sit down to have their mano-a-mano chat, and really, I think this is where they should just work out all their sexual tension and commit to a bromance. Because really, wouldn't we all just love that to pieces?

Anyways, Sawyer starts us off by actually revealing a PERTINENT PIECE OF PERSONAL INFORMATION TO JACK which is how Anthony Cooper conned his parents and there was that whole murder-suicide and how Sawyer heard/saw it all because he was HIDING UNDER HIS BED. Jack is sympathetic, though not as sympathetic as *I* really think he should be. He's actually barely even sympathetic at all, which I found rather sad.

So, Jack gives Sawyer NOTHING and is basically all, "And?"

So Sawyer spells it out some more. "That happened last year."

And after Jack needs a bit more explaining, he asks why Sawyer didn't hop on the sub and go stop it.

"Because what's done is done."

Sawyer then tries to figure out what Jack screwed up so badly the first time around, and Jack is all, "Nothing. Nothing whatsoever. No way, no how. Nothing screwed up here. Move along please."

Jack goes on philosophical about how Locke was all, "OMG fangasm. This is our destiny."

But Sawyer don't speak destiny. People want things, and they work to get things. That's how Sawyer operates.

So it's basically like a redneck version of free will. People choose, and act. That's what Sawyer believes in. Free will.

Sawyer wants to know what Jack wants. Jack wants Kate. Jack had Kate, and the kicker is, that THAT is what he fouled up. She left. And because she left, Jack wants to blow up a bomb and muck around with time so Kate winds up in PRISON.

Ladies, this is a warning. Do not date Jack Shepherd. Because if you leave, he will detonate a bomb over some electromagnetic energy to revamp the timeline so you get on a one-way bus to prison. Ladies, you have been warned.

So Sawyer kinda blinks at the sometime stupidity of Jack is basically, "Kate is standing fifty metres to our left. Get the f**k over there and FIX THINGS WITH HER IF THAT IS HOW YOU FEEL!!!!!!"

Which is kinda what I woulda said, except not as awesome, but Jack is sad and believes it is too late. Again, don't cross Jack. He'll cross time to f**k you up.

And with that, Jack is all, "Your five minutes is OVER" and makes back to the boob bung bong bomb like it's September, 2004.

But Sawyer has had enough of this shit. Who gave Jack the right to play God and Doctor Who and erase all the five seasons worth of character development that he and Kate had? They've walked the long road to REDEMPTION, Jack. They've WALKED IT. Who are you to stuff that up? And it's not like it'll be heaps better for you Jack! You'll go back to hating Daddy and he'll be dead and perhaps not ghosted this time around so you'll never get to work things out with him and you'll go back to being a Man of Science and hating the world and drinking and stuff. So there Jack, SO THERE. Didn't think it through tinkerhead.

In all seriousness, I think there is more to this, and since I've already watched this episode, I'll discuss that later.

So anyways, as I said, Sawyer won't take this shit lying down, and so he goes after Jack and points out what Kate and the fans and virtually everyone else realised episodes ago and tells it to Jack: "If this works, you and Kate will be strangers. And she'll be in handcuffs."

But Jack is all about smoking the destiny pipe and is all, "If it's meant to be, it's meant to be."

And so Sawyer is all, "Words won't work, huh?" and PUNCHES JACK IN THE THROAT?/FACE.

And Jack goes DOWN FOR THE COUNT, and then HAS A COMEBACK and whacks Sawyer one. And then they TRADE ABOUT A DOZEN BLOWS and there's massive amounts of blood and sweat and as they try and reason with/rehash their points of view, SAWYER KINDA GETS THE UPPER HAND and has his hand around JACK'S THROAT and it would've been hilarious if he said, "Yield!" but this scene is more about drama and masculine sexual tension than hilarity, and so Sawyer asks/demands, "WILL YOU STOP?" But Jack is all about the destiny obsession, and men with obsessions don't stop. That's why they're obsessed. And so he's all, "Nope."

And Sawyer, I think, is about to kill/break Jack's legs, or something dramatic, but then JULIET comes riding to the rescue like Jack is a damsel in distress, or maybe Sawyer is, or maybe they both are, and verbally tasers Sawyer's ass.

And OMFG OMFG Juliet AGREES with Jack? Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

Because Juliet has CHANGED HER MIND. After all guys, it's a lady's prerogative. Don't question it.

So then we flashbackery to Juliet's home life, and its on the day that he parents are telling her and Rachel that they're getting a divorce. But Juliet doesn't understand. Her mother and father love each other, so why can't they stay together? Why do they have to leave?

Juliet's mother more or less tells her that she'll understand when she grows up, and that's really a cop-out that a lot of divorced parents tell their children. Hey, I'm not judging!

But her mother explains that they still love each other (her mother and father) but that sometimes when two people love each other, they still can't be together. But Juliet doesn't want to understand. She doesn't like the contradiction of it all, and how it DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

And she runs off. But Jacob is not there to lay a consoling hand on her shoulder or to… I don't know… whatever.

So back in 1977, Sawyer needs to understand why Juliet changed her mind, and why she didn't stop him before he engaged in a ferocious death-duel with Jack. Maybe Juliet likes to watch two alpha males go at it hammer and tongs…?

But Juliet is all, "You would've gone after him no matter what I said," and Sawyer accedes to the Wisdom of Juliet.

He goes to lay a comforting hand on her shoulder and she avoids it like it's the Plague. Or… the Sickness. Heh.

Juliet changed her mind when she saw Sawyer look at Kate. Ah. Aha.

But Sawyer doesn't give a crapstick who he looked at, because he's with Juliet.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

But Juliet is sad because she loves Sawyer and he loves her, but what they had was just for a little while and he would stay with her forever and forever if she let him, but just because people love each other doesn't mean they have to stay together, and if Jack can manipulate the crap out of time so that their plane doesn't crash then he should to spare them all the pain.

Which is very noble, because if the plan works, Juliet is still an Other and Weasel Boy Linus is walking around with a huge boner for her, so you're very brave Juliet. Very brave.

Sawyer asks, "Why?"

Because if Juliet never meets him, she never has to lose him. Prevention is better than the cure. Poor Juliet. Poor Sawyer.

Screw you Lost. SCREW. YOU.

Over at the Under Construction Death Star… oops, I mean Swan, The Heathen Radzinsky Beast is bellowing into its walkie talkie to Slimy Minion of Creepiness Phil and they're barking and howling and Yuuzhan Vong-ing about how Sayid went on the lam (though injured!) with all the gang and how OMG THEY HAVE A BOMB OH NOES.

Oh yes, Heathen Radzinksky and Minion Phil, your numbers are up. Suck THAT assholes.

Chang is standing in the background just shaking his head at how his fellow staff are a bunch of dickheads.

So Jack is spying on the Swan, and Kate rocks up from some random place and tries to tend to his MASSIVE EPIC WOUNDS.

They try to reminisce about how they first met, but it goes pear-shaped because there is too much history and Jack is all, "Wow…. nostalgia. Felt like a million years ago." And Kate is all, "Or thirty years from now."

OMG KATE MADE A PUN. But its one of those jokes you don't laugh at because its so true and there's this history and its all sad and melancholy.

So Jack changes tack and asks about why she made him swear not to ask about Aaron's whereabouts. IPA! OMG how I've missed you!

And after all this time, Kate relents. She couldn't forgive Jack for making her come back, and she's there to make sure Aaron is reunited with his mother. Except the way she says it is kind of vague in terms of how JACK will understand it, and instead of plainly saying, "I came back to find Claire" so its more ambiguous in Jack's eyes, which leads HIM to wax on/wax off about destiny again by raving on about how if his plans works, Claire won't come to the island and go MIA and commune with her dead daddy or someone posing as him and it won't be weird like that at all.

Kate points out about how Claire was preparing to give Aaron up for adoption, and Jack totally shoots her down. "You don't know what she would've done. And even if she did, it was her choice." And he's kinda being cavalier about how his half-sister has a fifty-fifty chance of giving his nephew up for adoption and he kinda doesn't care and so he's a loser uncle, and anyways, WE know and KATE knows that YES Claire WAS going to give Aaron up for adoption because a) she told Kate this; and b) we've actually WATCHED Claire's flashbacks in which she PREPARES TO GIVE AARON UP FOR ADOPTION. So don't tell us what we did and didn't see, Jack. Just don't. Like Shakira's hips, these flashbacks don't lie.

And it is at this point that I think I realise part of why Jack is committed to his hydrogen bomb detonating plan. Yes, it's all about destiny and fate and correcting things and such, but it's also about Claire. Jack wants to make it so Claire is safe. For all Jack knows, she died after she went MIA. And poor Aaron got handed from one castmember to the next until he wound up with Kate and although she was cool, he didn't belong with her.

So maybe Jack wants to make it so his sister and nephew ARE safe and well, and so maybe he isn't such a shitty brother/uncle after all.

And hey, this is EXACTLY WHAT HE SHOULD'VE TOLD SAWYER IN THEIR HEART TO HEART. I think if Sawyer knew that Claire was Jack's sister, he (Sawyer) would've understood Jack's motivations and point of view a lot more, and Jack really should've told him, unless he doesn't give a Winged Monkey's ass about what Sawyer thinks.

Anyways, steam and shit and alarms start coming out from the Swan hole, and Jack is all, "OMG destiny is calling me" and asks if Kate is with him, and…. she is. As always.

Hurley gets a flashback next, and it is the day he is released from prison after not killing Widmore's stooges. The prison guard in this scene is TOTALLY BLOODY HILARIOUS as Hurley tries to convince him that he belongs in prison as that's where Hurley thinks he's safest.

The guard deadpans his way through the scene and doesn't really give a crap and directs Hurley to the taxi stand right outside the prison.

Hurley goes to get into a taxi and sitting on the seat there is BOONE. No wait, it's CHARLIE.

Whatever, we all know it's Jacob. Hurley apologises for inadvertently stealing someone's cab, but Jacob is all "It's cool. Let's ride together." And Hurley is all excited and offering Jacob his cherry fruit roll and all hyperactive and I don't know if it is infectious or if Jacob is just having a good day, but I LOVE Jacob in this scene, because he can't help but smile at Hurley's good nature, and its so sweet and awesome.

Hurley starts to tell the entire story of how he wound up in prison but Jacob is all, "I wasn't in prison. I was waiting for you." So Hurley mistakenly thinks Jacob is dead, but he's not and Jacob LOLs and wants to know why Hurley won't go back.

And so Hurley is all, "I'm cursed I see dead people." But Jacob sees it as a gift, because Hurley is allowed to talk to all the people he has lost and Jacob reassures him he is not crazy.

Jacob tells Hurley about the Ajira flight and that he thinks Hurley should get on it, but if he doesn't want to, that's okay because it is his choice in the end.

Okay, I really think this scene needed to show the reaction of the taxi cab driver who must be wondering what the hell he did to get a fare that was so GODDAMNED WEIRD.

So Jacob gets out, and all this time, he's been nursing a guitar case. THE guitar case. And Hurley goes to give back it to him, but Jacob smiles and replies, "It isn't mine."

That's it. There is no other way this guitar case can be anyone else's BUT Charlie's. I will accept NO OTHER ANSWER!!!

So Hurley is trying to console Sayid and its kind of really pathetic and stoopid that no one is really doing anything to try and help him. Sure, they're all banking on Jack's plan so Sayid won't be injured anyways, but still, its kinda stoopid and ridiculous.

Anyways Jack and Kate come bushwhacking out of the jungle and Hurley is all, "Dude. What's up with your face?" And I love how Jack completely blows it off like its nothing. It's hilarious.

Jack and Sayid make bomb talk and Jack says he will save Sayid. Sayid: "Nothing can save me."

This makes everyone trade uneasy glances, because I think they're all thinking the same thing about themselves.

So Jack straps a bomb to his back like he's John Crichton and he totally looks like a fricken EPIC GHOSTBUSTER in his Dharma jumpsuit.

Who ya' gonna call, BITCHES?

So Jack walks off like the man on an EPIC MISSION OF RELIGIOUS DESTINY like he is, and runs into Sawyer and Juliet walking back to the others. His eyes lock onto Sawyer's and Jack's all, "See you in Los Angeles" and with the gravitas in his voice and swelling music, its all badass.

And then he walks off, and I remain so totally pissed off that he didn't even say goodbye to Juliet, because in the end, he's damning her to Benjamin Linus and his schoolboy crush of epic nerdiness.

That's right Jack, you WALK AWAY, you mean jerkface!

2008

It's night and Locke is totally making eyes at TEH STATUE. To my way of thinking, his death stare is part religious fervour, part determination and part…. arrogance.

So Richard comes up and is all, "Are you sure about this?" DON'T TELL LOCKE WHAT HE IS AND ISN'T SURE ABOUT, RICHARD!

But Locke doesn't deploy his catchphrase like the weapon it is and is merely, "I'm tired of waiting. Where is Jacob?"

And its kinda obvious because Jacob is in TEH STATUE. Like, duh, Locke.

So poor Sun has to sit around by herself because she doesn't know anyone there, except Ben, who… well, like anyone would want to sit with him, and Locke, who apparently shows us that unbridled arrogance and standoff-ishness goes hand in hand with resurrection.

But then Ben comes up because the Others don't like him anymore, and Sun is all, "What happened to the rest of the statue?" I guess she has to make small talk because she's not with the cool people anymore like Jin, and Sayid, and Jack and Kate and everyone.

And Ben is all, "Dunno. Happened before I got here."

And Sun is all, "Puh-leeeese. You're lying through your teeth." And Ben giggles a little in a nerdy way and is all, "Okay, you got me."

But then Locke Rambo-es up and blasts away their conversation like an asteroid cutting through the atmosphere and is all, "Read yet Ben?" But even though it's a question, he phrases it more like a demand to go with him, like, NOW!!

Which Ben does, because he is whipped.

But uh-oh, Richard doesn't like this because only the leader can see Jacob and there can only be one leader at a time, and Ben isn't the leader anymore and oh noes the balance is upset and Jacob might just not like this and….

And Locke totally CUTS RICHARD OFF AT THE KNEES with his arrogance and he couldn't have done it any better if he had a shotgun and totally shot it off at Richard's kneecaps: "Hey Richard, I think you're just making this shit up as you go. Ben's coming and you don't matter at all and if Jacob doesn't like it, he can just suck it up."

Richard has been neutered.

So he goes up to the base of the statue and I LULZ TO THE MAXXXX because it looks like Richard is dry humping the wall, but in reality he is actually pushing against a secret Open Sesame Door to let them in.

I love the look of religious fervour on Ben's face, whereas Locke is all, "It's ON, MUTHAF**KERS!"

And then Richard finishes his dry-humping and lets them in. And I LOVE the look of unbridled contempt he now gives Locke.

So Locke and Ben enter, and Ben still looks like he is on the verge of the greatest religious epiphany. And they go through a short tunnel. And Locke knows how this will be hard for Ben but he has to do it, and how things will change when Jacob is gone. He PROMISES.

And he gives Ben a wicked look knife.