Yuku free message boards

I have no funny title because this episode was so goddamn kriffing awesome or MNA does This Place Is Death

We kick off this kickass episode with Sun being all badass assassin-y in her swanky car. She gets a phone call. It's totally her mother and Impossibly Cute Ji Yeon. They want to know when Sun will return to Korea and Ji Yeon totally talks baby talk and it sounds fricken awesomely cute. Sun is all, "I found a new friend for you in America" which is not as dirty as it sounds in the proper context.

So Sun is all, "I'll be home when I've concluded my business" with 'business' being in serious air quote marks. And also, would it not be so undeniably awesome if IPA and IPJY totally got together and had a play date. The universe would instantaneously implode from the Impossible Cuteness Quotient. I'm also praying for the day when the island FLASHY FLASHES to like, twenty years in the future and the Island Chain Gang totally rock up to the beach and see an ADULT AARON LITTLETON AND JI YEON KWON. You know you want it.

So anyway Sun finishes on the phone and instantly switches from Maternal Maternalness to Hardcore Assassin Bitch.

So whips out Widmore's gun and totally walks up to the Oceanic 6 Versus Ben and into the conversation they had last week when Kate was totally badmouthing Ben and Jack was weakly defending his evil ass.

Sun loads her gun and is all "I am badass. Get the f**k away from that douche bag!" Kate is all "OMG you brought a gun" and Sun is all, "You are the reason for Jin's death. Prepare to eat lead, fool."

Ben, always holding all the cards reveals Jin is still alive. And he can prove it. This should be worth a few chucks.

So back in 1988 on Craphole, Jin is trying to wrap his head around what the frack is going on. The Frenchies are trying to get their radio to work, because they apparently are dumb and don't understand IT WON'T WORK except for Young!Rousseau, who is more awesome than all of them combined, and is checking on Jin.

Jin is all, "Seriously. You are Danielle Rousseau?" She is, "Well… yeah.." and Jin is all, "What YEAR?" "1988." "Wha…?"

So that jackass blonde Frenchman is totally incredulously ragging on Jin and I am not amused. Just you wait until your arm gets ripped off, asshole.

So this other Frechman, Robert, wants to know if the island has a radio tower. It so totally does. Jin believes he can get there from where they are, and Rousseau totally takes charge and is all, "Take us there!"

Rousseau, who is so much more caring and interested in other people in her youth asks Jin who he is looking for. Jin is all "my wife" and my heart shatters because this is like Penny/Desmond and Rose/Bernard ALL OVER AGAIN. MY HEART CANNOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE.

So we're trekking to the radio tower and Danielle totally gets assaulted by foetus Alex. Robert is all, "OMG, that is little Alexander kicking again" and so he is Alex's biological father. Got that, Ben? Got it? Sidenote: Rousseau is seven months pregnant.

So Rousseau is all, "Silly silly red shirt. It's Alexandra." Robert is all, "No no," but I'm all, "Shut the frell up. This is Danielle Rousseau. She is always right. Go and get killed by Smokey."

Which is a coincidence because as they banter and frolic through the jungle, Smokey's soundtrack totally starts playing ominously through the trees.

If the situation were not so full of impending doom and dire, I would totally LULZ at the look on Jin's face. He's heard Smokey before, he knows what it means. The look is, "OMGf**krunrightnow don't look back and OMG FH V<JKABEONFOAEB)AEFAE)*FAEAEG*0f ae8s8g."

Robert is…. "What is that?"

Jin, wide-eyed: "Monster."

Me: "Understatement."

SWIRLY CREEPY LOST TITLE

So the Frenchies are all: "Quick. We must run even impossibly faster to the radio tower."

Jin is all, "Are you serious? I know Lost airs in France. So why the goddamn hell would even you want to run towards this thing. Run in the OPPOSITE DIRECTION."

Montand gets all in his face and is all "Shut up."

Dude, go get your arm ripped off already.

So the team has lost a female member named Nadine and they totally go wandering aimlessly to find her. Montand starts being Alpha Male Asshole again, and Danielle is all, "Nadine! Nadine! Where are you?"

Smokey noises totally scare the pants off of everyone and something falls from the trees. They found Nadine.

Smokey is totally circling the team and playing mind games with them and Jin TOTALLY GETS THE RIGHT IDEA AND RUNS.

But wait, Jin! For stupid Montand totally gets into a staring contest with Smokey who is totally eying its prey. Smokey is not amused. So it totally RIPS INTO MONTAND AND TOTALLY DRAGS HIS ANNOYING ASS THROUGH THE TREES and into this hole at the corner of a hieroglyph covered ruins of a building.

Robert manages to catch up to Montand just as Smokey is OMGSUPERMANFAST dragging him into the hole. Smokey is not amused. Robert is all, "OMG I should've eaten my spinach today."

But Smokey will not be deterred especially on its home soil. It totally pulls harder and OMG ROBERT IS ONLY LEFT WITH MONTAND'S ARM.

Good on you Smokey, I was totally backing you there.

So Jin is all, "Well we tried, let's go."

Robert gets in his face and is all, "We don't leave anyone behind!"

Ah, so Danielle's baby daddy is the French team's version of Jack. Alrighty then!

So the remaining team starts off again for the radio tower because all they have of Montand is his arm and kinda realise belatedly that he's a goner. Jin hears to telltale beginnings of a FLASHY FLASH except this one had more edge to it; it sounds more badass. This cannot be good.

Jin is all, "AAARRRRRRGH! I FEEL LIKE I'M HAVING THIS MASSIVE HANGOVER" and Danielle is all, "What? I don't hear anything?"

And Jin FLASHY FLASHES.

It's obviously some time later, as Montand's arm has started decomposing. Jin runs back I think the way they came but I am unsure, but it must be because he winds up back at the beach where the Frenchies crashed. There are two dead bodies. They've been shot. They are two of the red shirted Frenchies who never got any dialogue so they are unimportant.

Jin hides because they were totally shot by Badass Rousseau, who is presently holding a rifle to Robert and is having this epicly proportioned argument with him. Seems that in between the last time Jin saw them and now, they've had more encounters with Smokey as Danielle believes that Smokey infected the others with a "sickness" (and yes, she means THAT sickness that she totally referred to when we first met her… er… back in Season 1. We'll put it that way). Robert is all full of bliss and is totally zen: "It's not a monster. It's a security system that guards the temple."

So I'm left wondering what exactly the hell Smokey did to Robert to make him so blissful, and OMG we just got a new nugget of info on Smokey: it specifically guards the Temple. Which is where the Others in present day were told to go to by Ben. Hhhhhmmmmmmmmmm.

So Robert has all convinced Danielle and she lowers her rifle and totally takes a gander at her pregnant belly, and you can tell her thought patterns are all, "This is the father of my child. Everyone else is dead. I don't want to be on Craphole all by myself."

BUT IT IS TOTALLY THIS TRAP LIKE THE ONES MON CALAMARIANS CAN SNIFF OUT and Robert IS TOTALLY GOING TO GUN DOWN ROUSSEAU.

The look of betrayal on Young!Rousseau's face is so heart-rending but Robert's gun JAMS because either the Island is saving Danielle or it was just piss-poor luck and DANIELLE TOTALLY CHANNELS HER INNER BADASSERY AND KNOCKS OFF ROBERT.

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOo

Poor Young!Rousseau!

So Jin thinks this would be the best time to present himself, but now that Danielle's inner badassery has been unleashed, it can not be put back in the bottle. She doesn't trust Jin after he vanished, not understanding the FLASHY FLASHES, and so proceeds to open a can of whup-ass on him.

Jin gets away because he is that good, and there is another one of the more dangerous breeds of FLASHY FLASHES. And Jin is totally hilarious here, because right in the middle of the FLASHY FLASH he commits to undertake this TOTALLY MASSIVE EPIC LULZ SLAPSTICK PRATFALL of EPIC PROPORTIONS.

After the flashy flash subsides, a rifle cocks. I'm like, "Yes, Rousseau IS that damned good," but it is TOTALLY SAWYER.

Man-hugs and epic male bonding occurs.

But Jin just wants Sun.

So Miles is all pouty-lipped that Jin rocked up and he's not special anymore, and Jin is lapsing into Korean and Sawyer is all, "Um… does not compute."

So Jin marches over to Charlotte and is all "TRANSLATE THIS BITCH" but everyone thinks he is talking to Miles.

LULZ LOL LMAO, Miles is all, "I'm Chinese" and it is wicked cool.

So then they all clock on that Jin is going on about Charlotte and everyone is all, "OMG you totally speak Korean."

Charlotte is all "I am SO busted" and grudgingly translates, all he while with this look on her face that says, "Damn this time-travelling Korean and his busting of my cover. Damn him!"

She explains to Jin about the mind-blowing (literally) time-fu that they are being kicked around by, and explains about how Locke knows that Sun is alive and off-island. Charlotte Klingons to Jin about how they're Scooby-Dooing to the Orchid, and how Locke wants to bring Sun back.

Jin is all, "Piss off you are."

Back in the Los Angeles marina, Sun is totally giving it to Ben and wants to see his proof that Jin is alive. Kate buggers off to get Aaron - who is still sleeping as remember he sleeps through everyone, even loud arguments and guns cocking and Ben being a douche - while Jack and Sayid stand there and are all, "AWKWARD."

So Kate puts Aaron in her own swanky car and Ben is all, "Careful now we don't want your gun to go off." LULZ

Sun wants proof that Jin is alive and Ben says there is a woman in Los Angeles who can corroborate all he is saying and also send her to Jin. On the island.

So Kate gets totally PMSy that Jack hoodwinked her and that he wants to go back to the Island too. She is all, "I don't want to be a part of this silliness" and gets in her car. Sayid totally walks off too and Ben starts to get sad.

Sayid is all hardcore assassin mode too: "If I ever see you again, I will kill you" and he totally means business. So does PMSy Kate, as she TOTALLY THROWS THIS MASSIVE EPIC WHEELIE THAT TOTALLY MADE ME PROUD and zooms the f**k off outta there.

Guess Sayid is walking then.

Sun has not budged from having her gun in Ben's jugular. Ben is all, "We can be there in 30 minutes. If you don't like this, then just shoot me" and he must totally be pissing his pants. Or maybe not.

So Jin wants particulars as to how Sun will be brought back and why can't he go with Locke? Locke is all, "I'm making this up as I go along."

Jin is not amused.

So Dan is all "Flirty flirt. Do you speak any other languages I should know about?"

Charlotte is all, "Flirty flirt. I speak Klingon!" OMG, petaQ! KaPLA!

So there is a FLASHY FLASH, and then five seconds later ANOTHER FLASHY FLASH.

This is worrisome. Juliet gets another blood noise. So does Sawyer.

But Charlotte has COLLAPSED and is totally BABBLING IN KOREAN. Sawyer is all, "Say what?"

But Charlotte is kind and translates herself while looking at Jin: "Don't let them bring her back! This place is DEATH!" It's also the title of this episode. Neat.

So Sun is in the car with Jack and Ben and is all, "Ben, you are a dick. You said thirty minutes." I bet as soon as her watch hit that thirty minutes she said that, just to be cool.

Ben is all, "I didn't account for traffic." Well Ben you SHOULD HAVE.

So Jack is all apologies to Sun for leaving Jin and she is all, "Too little too late asshole" and Jack is all, "I hate Ben too. Don't lump me with him. After what he did to Kate…"

And Ben totally pulls over and makes this bigass bluff like if you two are going to sit there and annoy me then just kill me so I can die in peace.

Sun is all, "Your theatrics do not amuse me. Drive."

So poor poor poor Charlotte's mind is all skippy skippy through time and she starts talking as if she were a child, or something about her parents wouldn't like it if she married an American and Locke and Sawyer are kind of being unkind here and wanting to move on, but I understand why and I'll all torn and its no fun.

There's another FLASHY FLASH and Charlotte mini-orgasms and is all, "Turn it up. I love Jeronimoe Jackson!" The look on Juliet's face is totally LULZ, one part amusement, one part "This is ridiculous" and one part, "Hey! I love Jeronimoe Jackson too! Wicked cool!"

So Dan is all noble and tells the others to go while he will remain behind with Charlotte. All together now: Aaaaawww!

Sawyer brings up a good point: "If we don't know what time we are in, then how do we know if the Orchid will be there?"

Locke is all "…" but Charlotte is always ever helpful: "Look for the well."

So the others totally don't need to be told twice and trek off.

Later, the arrive and the Orchid is there. Juliet totally jinxes all their asses: "Wow! What are the odds we'd end up in a time period that has the Orchid."

Uh… Juliet, no. Just…no.

So they FLASHY FLASH and the Orchid is not there. Sawyer totally lets Juliet know she jinxed them.

They have a wander and find Charlotte's well. Miles is all, "How did she know that?"

Back in the glen or clearing or whatever, Charlotte is all, "I've been here before."

MASSIVE REVELATION.

She totally was a child of DHARMA Initiative personnel, and when her mother left the island, she took Charlotte back to England. As she grew up, Charlotte's mom totally lied her ass off and passed the island away as fantasy.

But Charlotte KNEW it was real just like Peter Pan and Neverland and became an anthropologist and everything else so she could find it one again.

Dan is all, "Why the show and tell?" and I am all "Because she loves you YOU SILLY FOOL."

But Charlotte has a better reason. When she was living on this island this scary-ass man approached her and told her to leave and never come back otherwise she would DIE.

I don't like where this is going.

So apparently, this scary-ass man was DANIEL FARRADAY.

HOLY SHIT

asjAFGdkf lsbngs'dis gtohy03597895 r=;

[rj hieyf e

Gk rpiihj[f

O088 hq]a ]w9t heg

Holy temporal Farnsworth paradox, Batman!

So Sawyer does not like Locke's plan of going down this rickety piece of crap well, but Locke says his goodbyes. Jin is all, "How do you know this will work? WHY must you bring them back?" And Locke totally wants to say, "I know because of my faith" but doesn't actually say it and totally promises Jin that he won't bring back Sun or Ji Yeon.

Locke tries to find a loophole even though I suspect he lied to Jin anyways and asks what he should do if Sun comes to him. Jin thinks for a moment and it is heartbreaking, but then gives his wedding ring to Locke and tells him to tell Sun that he died.

So Locke goes down into the well. Juliet thanks him for doing this. I love Juliet.

And because Craphole has a hurtful sense of humor, it takes this opportune moment to FLASHY FLASH OMG HEADACHE NOSEBLEED INDUCING HANGOVER FLASH.

Miles: "Oh-oh."

The shaky shake hokey-pokey induced by the EPIC UBER FLASHY FLASH throws Locke off the rope and he totally falls all the way down Timmy's well and like, breaks his leg and gets a piece of shrapnel in it. Guess no one can get to the Frozen Donkey Wheel without getting snagged on an OMG sharp piece of flotsam.

So the FLASHY FLASH took them sometime backwards before the well was built as the ground is TOTALLY COVERED IN DIRT AND OMG LOCKE IS BURIED ALIVE AND OMG THE WELL HAS NOT EVEN BEEN EXCAVATED YET.

Sawyer is understandably sad/pissed and tries in vain to pull his rope up through the dirt but Juliet calms him and they all sit there morose until next week's episode.

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

So Dan explains that Charlotte needs to hold on as his mother will help them. Charlotte is all, "Say what?" and then her brain lapses to some point in her childhood and she dies.

NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

And Lost's Life and Death music theme plays and I totally bawl my eyes out as I do every time someone dies on this show because it is always so emotional and I hate this show for making me become so attached to all the characters.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

So Locke is in Timmy's well and OMG

DMZ FGSD;'

X .J,GYS [NF]

EJPHR9TP86W7R[ 9Q-37R9497E89567894657934856039

Sa78b o0w4 6r4wr635t638

Christian Shepherd totally walks in and is all, "Hey dude."

Daddy Shepherd totally clandestinely berates Locke for letting Ben move the Frozen Donkey Wheel as Ben was a total loser and threw it off its axis, which is why FLASHY FLASHES have been occurring.

Daddy Shepherd explains that when Locke leaves the Land of OzNeverlandMiddleEarthNarnia he must go to LA and track down ELOISE HAWKING, who is Dan's mother.

Eloise Hawking? As in Young Other from the 1950's Ellie?

HOLY CZRAP ON A STICK THIS IS INGENIOUS.

So Locke is all timid voice: "Richard said that in order to bring everyone back, I'd have to die."

Daddy Shepherd is all understanding and grave voice: "I suppose that's why they call it a sacrifice."

GULP

So he explains that Locke has to clean up Ben's mess and reorient the Frozen Donkey Wheel. Locke needs Christian to help him up.

Christian cannot. Why? Because you're a big fat ghost? Or because Locke has to DO IT HIMSELF, or both? I don't know, and it is unimportant. Or maybe its heaps important.

So the Frozen Donkey Wheel is totally throwing a hissy fit that Ben wrecked it, and Locke painfully moves in to the chamber. Shepherd is all, "Good luck John, now I'm going to disappear and most likely go and hang out with Jacob and MIA Claire."

Moments before Locke's reorientation of the FDW sends him back to Kansas, Christian is all, "Say hello to my son for me!"

FTW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But of course Locke doesn't know who Christian is father to, so that is moot.

Ben, Sun and Jack fang up to Ambassador V'Lar's church and Ben gives Sun his (Jin's) wedding ring. Head goes explodey as this is the ring that Jin gave to LOCKE. I am afraid. Very afraid. Also, Ben is uber-sneaky.

Sun asks how he got the ring. Ben says that Locke gave it to him. Jack is all suspicious and "You said Locke never came to you."

Ben is all, "Semantics. I went to him. Lulz."

Sun is all, "Why didn't LOCKE give me this?" Ben is all fast track lying I assume when he says, "Perhaps Locke never got the chance." OR maybe he held up his promise and Ben stole it.

So then DESMOND TOTALLY WALKS UP and is all, "…. Why are you all here?" They quickly all establish they're all there for Dan's mom.

So they go into the church and FIONULLA FLANNIGAN totally puts on a stiff British lip and is all, "I thought I said ALL OF THEM!!" Ben is all, "Eh, what can you do?" And she is all heavy put upon sigh, "Let's get started."

BANG END OF LOST

When they say these are signs of history repeating, they obviously never watched Lost OR MNA does 316.

So we do our *deep voice* previously on Lost*deep voice* and we go back over the path that has led the Oceanic 6 to here, including that marina showdown in which they all scattered to the four winds. Unfortunately, though they recap how Sayid and Kate totally want nothing to do with this anymore, they neglect to include Kate's mega-epic wheelie, which left me sad.

So there is a total old school EYE OPENER that used to be the hallmark of Lost, but that they have not done so much of recently. So here we get a MASSIVE EPIC EYE OPENER of Jack and he is TOTALLY IN THE SAME FRAME AS IN THE PILOT. Wicked cool.

So he gets up and there is this ultra-slight, but still noticeable beginnings of an embryonic smile on his face. In his hands is a ripped piece of paper and on that paper is kind of shoddy penmanship, but anyways, it says, "I wish…"

Hmmmm.

So we hear this voice all in peril somewhere in the jungle and it is totally Hurley. Jack goes off into Hero Mode and belts through the jungle until he gets to this medium sized waterfall. Hurley is in the water lagoon thing and he has this gigantic guitar case and he is floundering in the water. That guitar case is probably weighing you down, dude.

So Jack is all EPIC ACTION DIVE into the water and attempts to help Hurley, who isn't helping in that he seems awfully determined to hang on to that guitar case and never ever let it go.

So Jack saves Hurley and Hurley is all speechless. It is at this point that we notice that a suited Kate is totally unconscious on the bank of the lagoon, and even though she's lying on a bunch of rocks, she isn't bleeding. At all.

Hhhhhmmmm.

It is at THIS point that I recall that after the crash of Oceanic 815 there was that whole thing with two people in the lagoon and a briefcase underwater and shit, which is kind of reminiscent of the present day two people in the lagoon and the guitar case substituting the briefcase.

So Jack is all, "OMG Kate wake up! Even though I am this wicked cool doctor I will only attempt half-assed CPR because it causes greater dramatic effect!"

So there's RISING MUSIC and pretty soon Kate totally batters her eyelids into submission and wakes up. She's all SHOCKED LOOKS and looks at her surroundings into a little bit of wonder. She's all "What happened?" You and me both Kate.

And because the Lost writers are growing soft in their old age, they TOTALLY ANSWER THIS QUESTION with those nifty time cards. This one practically yells at us:

46 HOURS EARLIER.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we're back in Mrs (sorry Ms.) Hawking's church and she is all "I thought I said ALL of them" and we're totally replaying the ass end of the scene from last week but from a different perspective.

Desmond's eyes cannot goggle out of his head anymore. He gives Admiral Ackbar a run for his money.

So Dan's mommy takes the gang down underneath the church to her Secret Lair, and this week she totally turned the lights on so I can FINALLY COMPREHEND what the damned hell her Secret Lair properly looks like. That massive ass pendulum? It hangs from the ceiling and swings across that global map which is actually larger than it originally looked in the dark. The silly old 1970s chunky-ass supercomputer IBM silliness is still present, and we can see longitude and latitude bearings on one wall.

So she exposits that this is actually a DHARMA STATION and it is called the Lamp-Post.

Which in another tale would be a reminder that you are in Narnia but I digress as we

GO SWIRLY LOST TITLE

So Jack wants to know if Ben knew about this station. He is all, "Nope" but Jack has cottoned on that little Benny baker boy sometimes like to fib so he goes to Ms Hawking, who has much more authority and truth-seeking skillz because she is British and grandmotherly/school marm and looks very sophisticated and cultured.

To Jack's "Is he telling the truth?" she totally says, "Probably not."

EPIC LULZ Ah, that Ms Hawking! I love her already.

So she starts off some more glorious exposition and Jack has a little gander about the room, and thankfully, the camera obliges and follows. So Jack's eyes come to rest on this photo taken of the island on what appears to be a helicopter approach, and this photo reads: "9/23/54 - US Army - Op 264 - Top Secret - Eyes Only" and if there is any more text it is cut off because the camera angle is not far enough back. Damn you, camera!

I also point out, quite obviously, that this totally ties into the Sawyer and co's hijacks in the 1950s and this date is also totally fifty years and one day before the crash of Oceanic 815. Coincidence? Surely not!

So Ms Hawking is all, "Shucks, this is confusing so sorry" and she is such a kind expositor that she is instantly my favourite. She totally pulls a school teacher lesson here and waxes on about how the Lamp-post is on a hot pocket of juicy electromagnetic goodness just like Craphole and that "a clever man" who is so totally EITHER her son OR Charles Widmore that the island moves through time and space and Clever Man found a way to predict WHEN the island would NEXT appear and that this means someone can totally go and FLASHY FLASH themselves there using these windows of opportunity.

Also, she totally tells Jack to stop wandering and pay attention. She is so totally a school teacher.

So she exposits a little more except it is totally awesome exposition and she informs us that these windows shut themselves down very quickly.

So Desmond is so totally a wet blanket and is all, "You're all going back to the island? Och aye! I'm just a messenger and don't shoot me and you're a crazy bitch and stole four years of my life and I'm just here to shout and whine and tell you all NOT TO GO BACK and that I've given you your son's message and bye bye now."

And all through his speech Desmond is so totally almost decapitated by this gigantic-ass pendulum and he totally gets in Ms Hawking's face and she only gives him this, "I know better than you" smile and then Desmond pisses off and Ms Hawking is all back to business now that little Des has had his big boy tantrum.

So she gives Jack this epic fat list of all these airline flights that will cross over the next hot pocket and points out that the one that has the best chances of striking the eye of that hot pocket will be this LA to Guam flight.

GUAM?

GUAM?

How random.

So anyways, Jack is all, "But what if all my other friends don't come to waah wah" and he is totally referring to Kate here and not Sayid and Hurley. Ms Hawking is all about trying to explain temporal theory and quantum theory of relativity and faster-than-light travel to seagulls so she looks at Jack and is all, "The results would be…. unpredictable."

That's not very helpful now, is it? Perhaps I shall rescind my label of Best Expositor for someone else, 'eh Ambassador V'Lar?

So Ms Hawking takes Jack into her headmaster's office and gives Jack a letter written in the same pseudo-ugly handwriting as "I wish."

It is John Locke's suicide note! Bah…. Da… doy?

So Jack is all, "Why would Locke kick his own bucket?" and Hawking is all philosophical but then says that Locke's corpse will be a proxy. Jack plays dumb but it is totally obvious Corpse!Locke is going to be a proxy for Daddy Shepherd. Also, Corpse!Locke will have to have something on Christian's.

So Jack totally snaps into ANGRY JACK mode. You've all seen this before, you know what it means. He's all, "PMS PMS PMS This is stupid stupid stupid ANGRY VOICE THIS IS RIDICULOUS."

Ms Hawking totally breaks down the fourth wall here and stomps on it and totally grinds it to dust. "Oh, stop thinking about how ridiculous it is. And start thinking about whether or not you believe it. That's what a leap of faith is."

Yeah, she's totally a proxy for two men named Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof, I bet.

Snigger snigger.

So apparently the devil does pray as Ben Linus is kneeling in a pew and seemingly looking for guidance. That, or he's cooling his heels waiting for Jack because all the other kids told him he smelled and actually have lives and went back to them.

So Ben is all, "I'm the nerdy kid who wants to know EVERYYYYTHING that the teacher I idolise told you."

Jack is all, "Get real, like I'll tell your nerdy (and evil) ass."

So Ben cracks out that old parable about Saint Thomas who could not comprehend that Jesus had been resurrected, and needed to touch his old wounds to be convinced that a miracle had occurred. Oh, so JACK is Saint Thomas. Ah. Aha.

So Ben is all, "Now who's the teacher, bitch?" and leaves, but not before an ominous, "Oh, I made a promise to an old friend of mine. Just a loose end that needs tying up."

Now it was in this moment that I TOTALLY BECAME AFRAID AND STARTED HOPING THAT DESMOND FLATFOOTED IT BACK TO PENNY. Because I fear that the "old friend" is Daddy Warbucks and "the loose end" is an unsuspecting Penny.

So Jack gets this nebulous phonecall and "He" has "tried leaving again" or some such silliness that is…

totally answered the NEXT SCENE so that drama was wholly unnecessary.

Turns out "he" is Jack's grandfather, Ray, and he has repeatedly tried skipping the retirement home he's been stashed in. And Jack's grandfather is TOTALLY THE EVER AWESOME RAYMOND BARRY. YAY!

So Raymond Barry is so not old enough to be Matthew Fox's grandfather, nor is he old enough to be John Terry's father, but who cares because it is Raymond Barry and his awesomeness is high. Plus, they gave him Grandfather Hair so I will forgive them.

So there is this conversation about how Grandpa's escape attempts are so he can go "somewhere better than here" and Jack is going "away" and it is all symbolic and awesome.

So Grandpa actually met Kate and Jack and Kate were together and I found that detail heartwarming.

So one of the things Grandpa packed when he was trying to escape were the shoes of his son, and Jack totally takes them as the "something borrowed" to go with Corpse!Locke.

Jack rocks up home and totally has a drink. Like father, like son, I guess. But before he got get totally shitfaced, SOMEBODY totally breaks in, but doesn't do a good job because they loudly slam doors and wear heavy shoes and other such no-no's when you are attempting a stealthy break and enter.

So it's totally Kate and that fits because of her HAWT FUGITIVE PAST and poor Kate has been crying. She has collapsed on Jack's bed.

She wants to know if Jack is still returning to Craphole. Like. DUH Kate, DUH. So Kate is all, "Then I'm going with you."

Awww, that's sweet.

So Jack is all, "Where is Aaron? Having a play date with Ji Yeon? Talking to Ghost Charlie?" and Kate is all vague and unclear and ambiguous and annoying. She is all, "If you want me to go with you, you will NEVER EVER, like EVER IN ETERNITY ask about Aaron EVER AGAIN. Do you understand?"

And because Kate has totally torn off Jack's balls and eaten them for breakfast and then pulled out her dominatrix whip and whipped Jack to high Heaven, he TOTALLY BUYS HER RESPONSE LIKE A SPINELESS DOUCHE and does not enquire after Aaron evermore. Guess we know SOMEONE who makes a lousy uncle, then, hey Jack?

However, I kind of think Jack was lying and that he will ask her one day, so maybe he wins some point back.

So the pair totally shamelessly and gratuitously segue from this into MASSIVE SMOOCHIES AND I SUSPECT, SOME SEX.

The next morning and their pseudo-awkward breakfast banter really infers they had sex.

Kind of like the night before the Flight of Oceanic 815 where Boone and Shannon had that bout of pseudo-incestuous but not really because they're not blood relatives but it is still creepy sex.

Hhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmm.

So Jack once again unloads about how much his father makes him feel like crap when Kate sees the shoes bound for Corpse!Locke.

Jack's phone rings and Kate totally beats a hasty retreat claiming she will meet him at the airport, but its unclear whether or not Jack believes her.

So the person making the phone call is totally Weasel Boy Linus and Jack should really invest in some Caller ID or something.

So Ben is totally breaking down like a school girl about how he's been "held up" and that he won't have time to fetch Locke's corpse before the flight, so Jack will have to collect it from the butcher's. Also, hey, Ben is TOTALLY COVERED IN BLOOD LIKE SOMEONE SMACKED HIM ROUND OR HE MURDERED SOMEONE and he also has massive sweatiness and a broken arm.

So either Penny totally fought him like the little girl he is, OR Ben murdered her OR Desmond got home in tight and totally kung fu'ed his Weasel Ass or a combination of the above. Or none at all.

I smell a flashback episode a comin'.

So Butcher/Other/Ben's mole Jill totally hands Locke's corpse (which must be starting to smell by now, seriously) over and leaves Jack alone with it while she goes to pull a Reincarnation Van "around front." Or back. Whatever.

So Jack gets all dramatic and starts talking to Corpse!Locke about how crazy this all is and how Locke would be laughing at him wherever he is, and Jack is all, "I've heard all you have to say and I'm doing all you say, so you can have your suicide note back."

However, I highly suspect Locke didn't commit suicide. I can't put my finger on it….

So Jack is at the airport and is totally being stonewalled by the operator who is all, "Hey dude, you're transporting a corpse so there's all this red tape. It's a thing" and this is totally reminiscent of Flight 815 except this time Jack doesn't SNAP AND GO CRAZY at the poor airport staff who are only doing their job.

So as Jack heads off this totally suspicious creep is actually really nice and is all, "Sorry about your loss. My condolences" and immediately SUSPICIONS ARE RAISED.

So Sun rocks up and is all cheery and "Hey Jacky. I wouldn't miss this for the world" and I'm left to wonder whether or not Ji Yeon's absence will cause this "unpredictable" shit that Ms Hawking was rabbiting on about. Sure, Ji Yeon wasn't even conceived at the time of 815, but it seems like she could feasibly be needed for things to go as perfectly s possible. I dunno.

ANYWAYs Hurley is totally hanging around waiting to board. Guess Nefarious Lawyer did get him off. The announcer is all, "Those passengers waiting for standby seats can be all happy because those seats are now open YAY!" So Hurley rocks up and totally throws his moolah around and is all, "Hey I booked all SEVENTY-EIGHT empty seats and I don't want ANYONE ELSE ON THEM BECAUSE I AM GREEDY."

But in reality WE know as Hurley does that he saved 78 innocent lives. Landing on Craphole is rough on the red shirts.

Jack rocks up and is all, "Hey, you made it! HOW?" and Hurley is all ambiguous and vague and non-answering like Kate with Aaron and Ben about his "loose end" and I smell a potential third flashback but my ultimate theory is that Ghost Charlie popped in and told him which flight to book. This could also be how Hurley ends up with the guitar, which is also theorise is Charlie's actual own guitar. Hurley definitely has the cash to buy it.

So Jack also sees Sayid all sullen and being led around by this chick who is actually a FEDERAL MARSHALL. And here I demand a Flashback #4 episode. And tonight's role of Katherine Austen will be played by SAYID JARRAH.

So Jack boards this second fateful plane journey and Kate is totally trying to look inconspicuous in her seat with Traditional Oversized Movie Star Sunglasses to deflect paparazzi, but it doesn't work on Jack. He's all nonchalant "You made it" and she's like, "Whatever." I don't think she really wants to be there, Jack. Take a hint.

So the air hostess is all, "Yay we have all our passengers, let's rip."

And then like the boy at school who you totally hated and tried to ditch repeatedly, Ben Linus totally runs in at the last minute and pisses off the rest of the student body. His arm is in a sling and though he's the sweat and excess blood and done his hair again, you can also still see some epic facial bruising.

Tell us the backstory on this. NOW.

So Hurley is speaking for the audience when he gets up and totally yells, "WHY IS HE HERE? WHO TOLD YOU WHAT FLIGHT WE WERE ON? NOBODY WANTS YOU HERE DOUCHEBAG!"

And Ben, used to being the butt of everyone's jokes and unwanted by all, totally takes it in his stride and gets in Hurley's face and is all, "And who told you which flight to be on, Hugo?"

And there is something about Ben's voice every time he uses the Losties' real names like "Hugo" and "James" and "John" as opposed to their nicknames/surnames that makes him sound so contemptuous and derisive of them and it is totally awesomely delicious because Michael Emerson is so totally cool.

So Ben goes up the back of the plane like the cool kid on the bus and sits next to Jack. Awww, all the other kids don't want to play with you Ben.

So apparently the Oceanic 5 and their posse are sitting in, like, first class or some such nonsense and there actually are a decent amount of other people on the plane behind Jack and Ben and the curtain that divides classes. Including the dude who gave Jack condolences in the airport. And Jack notices this (the other red shirted passengers) and is all concerned, "What about the other people on the plane?"

And Ben is totally evil and yet hilarious and is all, "Who cares?"

This is funny.

And I think back to how the air hostess was totally ready to take off without Ben and I think:

1.

2.

AND

3.

So cue DRAMATIC MUSIC as we do a Magnificent Montage of Ajira Airlines Flight 316 ferrying the Oceanic 6 (well, technically 5) plus some other doomed red shirts and Corpse!Locke and Ben back to Craphole.

The look on Kate's face leads me to believe the decision to go back was really tough and one she did out of loyally to Jack as opposed to anything else.

Jack comes over for a deep and meaningful about existentialism and how just HOW Hurley and Sayid wound up on the same flight (and just why the goddamn hell is the marshall flying him to goddamn GUAM anyways?) and Kate is all "I don't want to be here. They're on this flight because they bought tickets. It doesn't mean anything. Let me enjoy my window seat and piss off."

So I guess this inverts the Pilot episode in that Kate is now the skeptic and Jack is the believer.

So the captain puts over his "We are cruising at 10,000 feet" speech and it is OMG FRANK LAPIUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sj fhlukl hgdgu
[;lm gnld' ugnogu

'd kjg;uo;gu m]d

So Jack totally badgers the air hostess into letting him talk to the pilot because they are old friends and as if this would ever happen like ever, but the air hostess totally talks to the captain and Lapidus walks out and he too has shaved off his awesome beard and is all pilot-y. He notices the rest of Jack's group and is all, "Lulz, guess I can expect some whackiness to ensue any minute now."

And this reaches back to the pilot in the sense that Greg Grunberg was not meant to be the pilot and how he got eaten by Smokey Lostzilla and how Frank was actually supposed to be 815's pilot. And maybe one day soon they will answer exactly WHY Oceanic 815 was flown off course by the pilot in the first place anyway. Dharma and or/Other stooge? Who knows?

So Ben is reading and he is reading Ulysses, and Jack is all, "How can you read on a plane? It's like reading in a car. It makes me want to vomit."

And Ben is all, "My mother taught me." And I only just recalled it typing this up but once again Ben doesn't reply, he repLIES. Ben, your mother died when you were born. She taught you nothing. You lie.

So Jack is all, "You are a douche bag" and despite this, shows Ben Locke's suicide note. Which is apparently following him wherever he goes because John "needs" him to read it. So Ben is all, "Then read it. Or are you a 'fraidy cat because you think Locke blamed you for his suicide." He is all, "It wasn't your fault" and I personally suspect it is Ben's but cannot confirm at this stage and so Ben goes off somewhere to pick on Hurley or annoy Sun or something and Jack reads it.

So technically it isn't your stereotypical suicide note because all it says is,

"I wish you had believed."

That is a dozen different kinds of AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So as if right on cue, the plane starts slewing and hitting turbulence and shit and everyone starts to get thrown around like this is the Starship Enterprise, we do a better montage than before.

Sayid is all, "Wow. I may actually get to jujitsu this annoying marshall." Hurley, who is wearing one of those sleep masks, totally pulls it off and turns to some random fellow passenger and is all, "You might want to buckle in" and then totally puts the sleep make back on - LOL - and Sun is all channelling Rose by fiddling with her husband's wedding ring so I guess Ben is channelling Charlie by going to the toilet.

FASTEN YOUR SEATBELTS, ASSHOLES.

Jack is all facial expression, "This is so happening NOW!" and Sun is "Oh crapOh crapOh crapOh crapOh crapOh crapOh crapOh crapOh crapOh crapOh crapOh crapOh crapOh crapOh crapOh crap"

And Kate is all, "I so should not have come" and EVERYONE STARTS GETTING THROWN AROUND AND POOR AIR HOSTESS SMACKS THE WALL AND ITS ALL CALAMITY AND PANDEMONIUM AND THEN THERE IS A FAMILIAR SOUND AND WE….

FLASHY FLASH

Which tells me that Jack and co. have actually been sent to a different time period that 2008 when they hit the island's hot pocket.

So we get a slightly edited version of the opening scene - edited to be slightly shorter - of jack waking up in the bamboo thickets without Vincent and how he saves Hurley's and Probably Charlie's Guitar and then rescues Kate.

So they look around and THERE IS NO PLANE and oh how I wish that Craphole had midgets like on Fantasy Island ("The plane! The plane!") and there is not even wreckage and more alarmingly, there are NO OTHER PEOPLE. Including Ben and Sun. WHERE IS SUN?

I love how Kate asks exactly this, "Where is Sun? Where is Sayid?" and then she makes a face like Jack and Hurley just made her eat poo and she is all despicable voice, "Where is Ben?"

The devil's back home, baby!

None of them recall crashing and Jack is all, "Let's go find them."

But then this 1970s music totally issues from the trees and I'm all, "So the trees play music now?" but no it is a brand spiffing new DHARMA VAN and it is what's playing the song.

So some dude gets out of the van and Menacingly Cocks a Rifle and I go "Uh oh" because I think I know who this man is looking at his back and even though his hair has grown longer it's….

It's….

And then we cut to SHOCKED LOOKS OF SHOCK from Jack, Kate and Hurley and it's….

Dhfk dhgirl gy[0gue50[[y7 ngyir two4 0

It's JIN! In a Dharma van! And a Dharma uniform!

Jin recognises the trio and lowers his rifle and looks A BAFFLED LOOK OF BAFFLEMENT and then slightly starts to get a smile and this is when they turn mean and go…

BANG END OF LOST BAD ROBOT!

Guess this means Katey Segal is no longer available? NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOO OR MNA does The Life and Death of Jeremy Bentham

So this week's "Previously on Lost" (deep voiced of course) recap basically follows the path of Locke in regards to his journey to get those pesky Oceanic 6 back to the island.

THEN we totally pull a mind trip and go to the HYDRA STATION. Upon first viewing, I though this was the Staff, but hey, it's the Hydra. Deal. So remember that man who creepily gave Jack condolences regarding Corpse!Locke and then proceeded to totally screw himself over by boarding the same plane as those crazy Oceanic 6 partygoers? Yeah, well he is on Craphole Island's little brother island and is totally being a NOSY PARKER and rummaging through the Hydra like Dharma are having a fire sale. EVERYTHING MUST GO, BITCHES!

I don't recall the passengers of Oceanic 815 being so… nosy.

So the man finds a copy of Life magazine, and this issue is from the 1950s and has a cover that highlights hydrogen bomb testing.

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

The man also finds Dan Faraday's Craphole map (the one he was using when the freighter folk crashed last season) and also, this diagram-thingy that says things like, "Imaginary time" and "space time" and all this other equational shit that brings to mind Ms Hawking's notoriously long temporal equations that would give Captain Janeway a headache.

BTW the man had to break into a filing cabinet to get at these documents. This begs the question of exactly when he is on Craphole, and also when those documents were put there. Also, I may just be being dim, but I can't decide whether the man was randomly looking for something to aide him OR whether or not he was intentionally looking for these things. Time will tell.

Also, he finds a rifle.

So remember that chick that was totally manhandling Sayid onto Ajira 316 and how she was also on the plane?

Well, she totally walks in and Ana-Lucias the man, who is called Caesar. I wonder if his middle name is Julius.

So her name is Ilana, and these two are totally pseudo-suspicious of each other and Caesar doesn't really help his case by lying when Ilana asks if he found anything. That scamp!

So she is all, "I'm totally reminding the audience of Ana-Lucia at this point even though Michelle Rodriguez is way awesome than I and also I may be evil."

She also informs (Julius) Caesar that they found "a man" who was "standing in the water" and how he "wasn't on the plane."

I think I know what that means and I totally utter COOL at this point.

So they walk off to the beach (not THE beach) while they are finishing this conversation and walk past the crashed plane, which had an easier go at it than Oceanic 815. Maybe that's because Frank is a better pilot than Greg Grunberg??? Also, they totally landed on/right next to a RUNWAY, which is I guess totally what Sawyer and Kate and all those other slave labourers were doing hauling rocks back in Season 3. WICKED KEWL! They approach the man who all the other surviving passengers are totally eagle-eyeing and making it obvious and also keeping their distance like this man has the plague. The man in question is totally rocking a JediSith cloak and it totally pulling an Emperor Palpatine by obscuring his face.

At this point I notice that the Ajira passengers are totally less likable than the Oceanic ones on account of how they're OMG apparently uber-suspicious of apparently everything and everyone and in any case, I suspect that apart from Caesar and Ilana, they're all massive red shirted red shirts anyways.

So anyways, Caesar (and Ilana) approach the JediSith man (and I figure these two are the unofficial leaders of the group, kinda like a poor man's Jack and Kate) and Caesar is all warily, "Who are you?"

The camera totally LOLs at the audience as it dramatically pans around that concealing JediSith cloak and the music also shares the joke as it DRAMATICALLY RISES IN LEVEL and the man is all "LOL everyone, I'm John Locke!" and it IS John Locke!

WICKY WICKY WOO!

SWIRLY LOST CREEPY OPENING TITLE

So it's the next day and we symbolically see Christian Shepherd's shoes and jacket or whatever folded up neatly in the sand and Locke is hanging and chilling at the water's edge, looking out at Craphole in the distance. Ilana walks over and totally flirts… I mean introduces herself and Locke is all, "Hey, I'm John." LIKE I TOLD YOU LAST NIGHT, FAUX-ANA-LUCIA.

Locke looks back at a pair of canoes (though actually, I think they are more pontoon-ish) and totally speaks for the audience when he was all, "Are these yours?"

Ilana's like, "As if they'd be on a plane, Baldie! They were already here." She also helpfully goes on to explain that there were three, but that the pilot and "some woman" totally pissed off with one and started paddling for Craphole. Ilana is also pissed that the pair ran away without explanation. Welcome to Lost, Ilana!

My guess: "Some woman" is totally Sun, hotfooting her ass to go and find Jin. But that's just me. So Sayid is still unaccounted for. As is Ben.

She offers Locke a mango and he immediately starts to go to town on it. I'm guessing resurrection makes one hungry…??

Locke asks after a passenger manifest (smart man) but Ilana is all, "Grouchy grouch, ask Caesar" and I really want a backstory on the tension between those two.

So Locke doesn't remember anything, naturally, as he was dead, and Ilana is all, "Say what?"

Then we get a title card that is all "Now we're three years ago!"

Sidenote: Ilana lost much credibility with me when she asks Locke about being on the plane and she makes a big deal about how he is wearing a suit. You're telling me Ilana believes that people never travel on planes in suits? DUMB.ASS.

And Locke is struggling with the off its hinges Frozen Donkey Wheel and Christian is all, "Lulz! Say hi to my son!"

And Locke gets TRANSPORTED Federation starship style to TUNISIA where he proceeds to vomit in glorious fashion.

So since Ben transported in October 2005, some entrepreneurial person has totally set up a Big Brother style camera system ALL AROUND the arrival point. Somebody is totally watching.

So a group of Tunisian men totally come fishtailing and defensive driving up and ALMOST RUN LOCKE DOWN but they stop and speak in their native tongue and there are no subtitles and I'm wondering where exactly their car was in relation to the cameras and how long it took them to crazily drive there.

So the dudes hogtie Locke and drive him to a small village thing and dump him at a doctor's (Because recall he has a totally broken leg at this point in time). This doctor has never heard the oath "Do no harm" as he crams one of those wooden sticks in your mouth what you use when you have to bite down on in times of EXTREME PAIN and the audience certainly feels Locke's dislocation and confusion as there are QUICK FRAME CHANGES and HERKY JERKY CAMERA MOVEMENTS and RISING TENSION FILLED MUSIC.

So this doctor is all, "Bite down. This will hurt. A LOT" and the team that drove Locke there totally hold him down and we're moving so fast and its all dramatic tension and CRACK BANG IMMENSE PAIN the doctor SLAMS LOCKE'S LEG BACK INTO PLACE VERY UNSYMPATHETICALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So Locke falls into unconsciousness, as you do in times like these, and that night as Locke sleeps off a week from hell, we get this IMMENSELY CREEPY shot of Charles Widmore totally eagle-eyeing Locke.

Widmore, because time is money, totally keeps impatiently trying to wake Locke who finally gets annoyed enough to wake up. Widmore is all, "Hi. Even though Crude Doctor reset your leg, I totally flew in a specialist because I have the money vaults of like… Stark Industries and Wayne Enterprises jammed together after a merger and because you're special." Locke is all, "And you are?…"

Widmore explains the compound fracture and then kindly fills a glass of water and Widmore is all, "Oh, nice to see you again."

Locke: "And you are?"

Widmore is all, "For dramatic effect I won't reveal my name just yet. I met you when I was seventeen and you have not aged a day."

Locke: "Name, asshole!"

So Widmore finally obliges and Locke is all googly-eyed at this revelation and Widmore has a tired laugh when Locke says to him it has only been four days since they met.

So Widmore USED TO BE LEADER OF THE OTHERS as he now reveals to us.

Zksgdf pbs9ru 9[r9yt w= uruy= multiplied by INFINITY crossed with AD NAUSEUM.

See, back in the day, Ben totally fooled the pants off Widmore and tricked him into exiling himself by way of Frozen Donkey Wheel. Ah, that Ben Linus, always the prankster!

Widmore misunderstands and think Locke was exiled as well. Locke is all, "Lulz no, I chose to leave!" Widmore is all "Ridiculous!" But then he cottons on, "Ah, you've come to bring them back." Locke is all unconvincingly, "Uh… no" but Widmore is on to him, and informs Locke that it is actually early 2008. HA HA LOCKE I WIN IN THIS GAME OF ONEUPMANSHIP.

So Widmore is all pissy that the Oceanic 6 have lied and he convinces Locke that he will help him bring the gang back together.

So Widmore has set up an alias for Locke - one JEREMY BENTHAM - and then he totally rags on Locke's parents, "If they can be funny and name you after a famous philosopher, why can't I rename you as another one?" Locke is all *rolls eyes* and Widmore also gives Locke a phone that will be able to call him at anytime, anywhere.

So Widmore reinforces that Locke is super awesome special just because and before Locke can pooh pooh Daddy Warbucks his chauffeur rocks up. Chauffer = Matthew Abbadon.

AWESOME TOPPED WITH SUPREMENESS SAUCE

So Locke totally pretends like he doesn't know Abbadon and Lance Reddick is more cooler than you and I will ever be and Abbadon helps Locke out of his wheelchair and back into his car.

So Locke, being driven around by Abbadon is all, "Talk to my hand" to Abbadon's offer to locate anyone from Locke's past he may want to catch up with. Abbadon is all, "Your destination, my lord?" And Locke is all, "To Santo Domingo! Make it so!"

So in Santo Domingo Sayid has been working for Amnesty International or the United Nations are somesuch and is building villages for the poor.

Locke rocks up and Sayid is all googly-eyed.

Later, after Locke has explained himself, Sayid is all "ANGRY THIS IS MY ANGRY FACE! I am not going back!"

Locke is all calm and reasoned and is all about getting back. So Sayid expositions how Ben is a tool and how they used to work together assassinating Widmore's peeps and how oh yeah, Sayid was totally in Heaven with Nadia and then she got shot.

Locke is all undeterred and is all, "Hey I'm Jeremy Bentham now and I'll be chilling in LA trying to sell my wares to Jack and Kate and Hurley and you can find me there."

Sayid is all, "You are lonely. That's why you want to go back. Get outta my face. I have churches to build."

So Locke gets to New York and tells Abbadon find Katey Segal… I mean Helen.

So apparently Abbadon and Locke are stalking WALT OMG WALT WALT

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllt

And they are stalking Walt at his school. When Walt comes over, Abbadon beats a hasty retreat, but not before totally riffing on how Walt is like… a giant now. Hey, if even Abbadon is cracking jokes about this, then you know its funny.

So Walt is all, "Hey dude I have a normal life now. I'm normal. But not really because I have dreams about you. And in them you're back on Craphole and wearing a suit and people around you are trying to kill you."

Hhhhmmmm, why do I suspect this may refer to Locke as he presently is on Craphole with the rather feral remainders of the Ajira flight?

So Walt is kinda sad because he hasn't heard from Michael but at the same time you get the sense that Walt is all, "Well, he used to be a deadbeat dad so maybe he reverted" and this is extra sad and Locke is all poised to tell the truth…. But he doesn't. Technically he doesn't lie because he says, "The last I heard your dad was on a boat off the coast of Craphole" which is technically the truth, but at the same time it is also technically omitting details.

So Locke leaves Walt (or rather the other way around) and Abbadon gets pissy that Locke seems to be NOT recruiting anyone to go back to the island, but he expresses his displeasure in a really classy and non-angry way. But Locke will have none of this! No one tells him what he can and can't do! NO ONE!

So Locke rocks up to see Hurley next. Hurley believes Locke to be dead, as he always sees dead people, and Locke is all, "LULZ, I'm totally not a ghost!" So Hurley yells out to some random nurse whether or not he is talking to a dude in a wheelchair. The nurse is hilariously "Yup" and Hurley is all, "WHOA!"

Locke explains his recruitment drive and Hurley is all, "Jack and everyone else HAVE LIVES. Good luck with that."

So Hurley sees Abbadon totally inconspicuously spying on them and tells Locke he can piss off is they are together and explains how Abbadon used to rock up to the asylum weakly posing as an Oceanic lawyer and being creepy.

Locke is all, "I'm with him" so Hurley totally FLIPS and does a good impression of a crazy person. Or a five year old.

LULZ Locke sucks at his job and Abbadon lets him know it. So Locke is all, "Who are you anyways?"

And Abbadon calls him out on his pretending to not know who Abbadon is, and Abbadon is basically, "I totally set you on that plane. Fate goes full circle. And when I work for Widmore, I get people to go where they need to be."

That's…. actually quite informative.

So Locke rocks up to Kate who is all, "NO! Even if me going back there saves people, NO, I'm not going."

And she is totally jamming an emotional knife blade into Locke over and over by telling him a repeat of Sayid how Locke is all lonely and needs the island to be whole and how he never loved anyone.

But actually, she's being cruel to be kind, and even though one may label her a bitch here, and that may be true, she's also looking the truth in the eye. And not flinching.

So Locke tells her about Helen and how she left because he was angry and obsessed. Kate is all, "Look how far you've come" and even though she's giving him an emotional punch in the face, I love the way she delivered that line.

So Abbadon claims he can't find Helen but he seems to be stalling and Locke calls him on it and so Abbadon takes Locke to…

A CEMETARY.

Helen died of a brain aneurysm. NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo No more Katey Segal. NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

So Abbadon is all about destiny and fate and predetermination and Locke is all, "Shut the frell up" even though he believes in fate of destiny and predetermination and Abbadon is all, "Hey, I'm just a driver."

Whatever, don't give me that.

So Abbadon packs Locke in the car and Locke is all sad and so I am because HELEN DIED and this = NO MORE KATEY SEGAL. I FEEL CHEATED AND DIRTY INSIDE

So Abbadon is putting the wheelchair or something in the car's boot (I believe in America you call it the TRUNK like the car is an elephant or something!) and BLAM HE GETS SHOT. By Ben, who has been spying on Locke because he is a weasel and a bad smell and is always around, and BLAM just like that Matthew Abbadon goes down like a weakling.

Oh, wait, no because BLAM he gets shot again for good measure.

At least he always has Fringe.

So Matthew Abbadon totally goes from HARDCORE BADASS to WEAKSAUCE with two bullets. In the back. I hope Mr Abrams pays you well as a series regular on Fringe, Lance Reddick, I really do. You will be missed on Lost.

Matthew Abbadon's death =

I have a confession to make.

The first time I watched this episode I totally pissed my pants here, because when I first heard it, I thought Locke screamed, "MAN DOWN."

He actually screamed, "MATTHEW!"

But I totally wish he had of screamed, "MAN DOWN!" That would've rocked beyond the telling of it.

So Locke awkwardly manoeuvres into the driver's seat and totally ZOOMS THE F%^K OFF, hilariously zooming off just as a mortally wounded Abbadon is shakily leaning on the car for support. Ben totally BLAMS him a third time just for good measure as Locke ZOOMS THE F&&K OFF and Locke totally LULZ worthy drives through Los Angeles like a mofo on crack and zkjd brae[0'

IBLAM CRASH BANG CRAHY CRASH

Has a three-way pile up car smash. Like in an EPIC ACTION MOVIE.

So Locke got transported by paramedics to Jack's hospital and at this point in the timeline, Jack has totally begun to grow his EPIC MOUNTAIN MAN BEARD!

So Jack is all condescending and assholed and mean and Locke counters this with talk of destiny and importance and Jack gives him a verbal middle finger and is all riffing on Kate and Sayid's loneliness speech except Jack is totally piling on the meanness and is all, "YOU ARE A MASSIVE DOUCHEBAG STOP STALKING ME."

Locke is all, "Daddy says hi."

And explains about Christian. Jack totally cracks the shits and is all, "NONE OF US ARE IMPORTANT. SHUT UP!" and leaves. I guess this is when Dr Beardface starts his drug obsession.

So later Locke is discharged and rocks up to his crappy motel room and massive kudos and props to Terry O'Quinn throughout this ENTIRE SCENE by giving a haunting rendition of a broken man who is, like everyone has told him today, a lonely man craving to be needed and special.

So he writes his "I wish you believed in me" suicide note that Jack later receives, and then Locke totally commits property damage by utterly destroying a water damaged ceiling tile in order to hang up a noose with which to hang himself. Locke is all about to step off the table (neck in noose) just as Weasel Linus bangs in the door. "Let me in! Let me in! Or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll ANNOY YOU TO DEATH." Locke is all, "I am too old for this shit" and totally tries to step off before Ben comes in and lies him to death.

But Ben busts in and is all bug-eyed at what he just stopped. Ben, when people try to commit suicide when you are about to bust into their room, take a hint. They are probably SO SICK OF YOU that death is preferable.

So Ben is all, "Hey, I was tailing Sayid and so that's how I found you. Just in time, huh?" And then he goes on a hate tirade regarding Widmore and how he's just using Locke and how Locke is special and Ben believes in him and its all warm and fuzzy but because Locke is so on to Ben, he recognises this for what it is.

Locke's facial expression says it all, "Just shut up and leave me alone. I am epic phail. I couldn't get even one of them back."

This is when Ben reveals that Jack has started his round robin flights hoping to crash onto Craphole. Ben is all, "If you've got Jack, you've got them all. Your Master Plan is working."

And Ben is totally sucking up to Locke and pissing in Locke's pocket, but Locke still wants to jump. And there is all this Christ analogy and symbolism with Locke and Ben is totally playing Judas Iscariot tonight.

But Locke (almost crying) accedes and Ben helps him down.

Ben is all, "I believe in you. You haven't seen Sun yet. Let's go on a trip to South Korea! Yay!"

And this is when Locke makes the fatal mistake of revealing that Sun is off limits because of his promise to Jin. You can see the cogs turning in Ben's EVIL little weasel mind and he is all consoling to Locke, and this is when Locke makes his SECOND FATAL MISTAKE by revealing all about Ms Hawking.

Ben is all, "WHAT! There is this massive epic plan to return to Craphole and I AM NOT INVITED! Its time to get my Patrick Bateman on" and he TOTALLY EPICALLY STRANGLES LOCKE!!

BEN KILLED LOCKE IT WAS NOT SUICIDE!

But Ben sure makes it look like suicide and then he totally takes a long time like a professional to wipe his biometric data off of everything he came in to contact with. THAT EVIL LITTLE WEASEL.

Oh, and he remembers to swipe Jin's wedding ring. 'Cause that will sure come in handy.

And then he walks out the door all, "I'll miss you John. I really will" and some part of me believes he is sincere, but another part does not. Such is the presence of Benjamin Linus.

So present day (?) on Craphole, Caesar is rifling through more Dharma stuff and Locke helpfully tells him what Dharma is. Guess he remembers what its like to be the newbie.

So Caesar is all, "If you know this, were you here when we crashed?"

Locke is all, "Nope. Guess again." And Caesar tells the story of how when he was on the plane sitting next to Hurley, Hurley FLASHY FLASHED in mid-flight/mid-crash, and some other passengers saw the same happen to a couple of others.

Locke is all, "Aha, I can now piece together what happened!" and then asks Caesar about the passenger list. Caesar is all, "Glumly, no. The pilot took it" and I'm all YAY FOR FRANK that was quick-thinking Frank.

So Locke asks if everyone else is accounted for apart from those who FLASHY FLASHED and Caesar is all, "Everyone except for the injured."

So Locke gets Caesar to take him to the injured and we see a couple of randoms and then Locke is presented to an unconscious and very bruised and contused BENJAMIN LINUS, who looks much more innocent when he is sleeping.

Caesar is all, "Do you know this man?"

Locke is stone cold and replies, "Yes. This is the man who killed me."

V



ITS ON


OMG MASSIVE EPIC ENDING

BAD ROBOT SAYS BYE BYE END OF LOST