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I am. I lost too much brain matter.

I was also hoping to hold off until tonight until after I've watched episode 2, but hey, you twisted my arm:

So

Okay, Lost gets a shitload more convoluted as the island is all "You spin me right round baby right round like a record baby right round round round." Seriously, that's what its like.

It looks like Season 4 is, for the most part, waving goodbye to the flashbacks and forwards that have so defined this show apart from maybe one or two here and there (such as... OMG Dr Candle/Wickman/Flameface is... PIERRE CHANG. And he has a baby - who I bet turns out to be one Miles Straume - and a wife and OMG he enjoys the theatrics of making all the DHARMA station video cassettes!). But this does not mean Lost has finished playing time fu with your brain, oh quite the contrary.

Because now Lost is playing out across a multitude of time spans. We have the Oceanic 6 escapades unfolding in early 2008 and those remaining on the island stuck skipping through time, from "present day" late 2004 to anywhere from the early 2000s to the late '90s (and that was just in THIS EPISODE)?

So...

*OMG we're in the 1970s. With that pesky Chinese doctor who flaunts his "I know the secrets of this island and you don't" attitude. So... he has a wife.... and a BAYBAY! And he works for Dharma! Its nice to have solid 100% confirmation of this. And I love how Lost hides things in plain sight, such as his skipping record: "If you can't make a record... if you can't make a record... if you can't make a record...if you can't make a record...if you can't make a record..." And who says the minds behind Lost don't ever spell things out for us?

So I'm thinking DOCTOR PIERRE CHANG'S baby is totally Miles Straume. I'm calling it now.

*And we're visiting the still-under-construction DHARMA STATIONS. Total win. I love how Chang is apprently taking these Dharma videos very very seriously and is so getting into the roles of Marvin Candle or Harry Wickman or whatever all those other aliases are. He's totally into the theatrics here. Loving it. And I love the hairdos on his camermen/assistants. Total bad 1970s hairstyles. Can you dig it?

*So Random Foreman comes in, "OMG we have a problem." At first Chang is all "HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT MY THEATRICAL POSTURING" but I couldn't care because my eyes and brain are vainly attempting to assimilate all the relevant (and seemingly relevant) info. Not only do we have confirmation of the identity of mysterious Dharma doctor man from all those station videos, but also timeline placement, family info and lots of Dharma goodies.

MrNomAnor approves.

*So we're in what will later be known as the Orchid and OMG Random Dharma personnel have found the energy that is otherwise known as the Frozen Donkey Wheel. My Waru I love this show. So Foreman is expositioning that he basically has no idea why, when his crew tried to drill into the rock housing the Frozen Donkey Wheel, his crew got bloody noses and generally thrashed about like they were attacked by Batman. Foreman is all, "We're gonna drill this bitch down!" PIERRE CHANG is all "Don't be absurd you silly twit! That is dark matter or exotic matter or some type of Important Matter. Drill at your own peril, fool!" And he's all "If we can harness this, we can MANIPULATE TIME!" The audience kind of knows this if we watched the end of Season 3, but anywho, the Foreman is switching between "" and "What shall we do? Kill Hitler LMAO" and Chang is all "THERE ARE RULES." MNA suspects this will become crucial information to the mythology of this show. Pay attention. So Foreman gets back to work and they do a quick focus on an injured worker and I could've sworn my pants off that it was SAWYER, but after pausing my video (and also the I-Tunes version on my computer, which is BTW what I'm doing this year, taping it off TV and also I-Tunes downloading) turns out I was (again) over-imagining.

*But then Chang walks off in a huff and TOTALLY BUMPS INTO DANIEL FARRADAY. IN THE 1970S!!! OMG WTF KGSHf hesbmgfhzdbry kdfovgxhd g,hggxdnf

*Farraday is all "Excuse me sir" and I believe he is totally shitting his pants at being spotted by such an Important Person In the History of the Island, and my mind is all "WTF HOW DID THIS HAPPEN WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!" and BAM LOST. Welcome to the mindfu**ery, bitches! So just going off of the pre-credits act alone we have answers to Dharma Video Doctor, to Dharma itself, and DANIEL FARRADAY THIRTY YEARS IN THE PAST. My poor poor brain.

*Then we're in late 2007/early 2008 at the funnily-anagramed HOFFS/DRAWLER FUNERAL PARLOUR where, intrepid viewers, we last saw Awesomely Bearded Jack and Strangely Clean-Shaven Ben and Corpse of Locke. All this random shit went down there that I shall not mention as I am assuming we all watched the final eps of Season 3. Plus, this is already long enough.

*So we're recapping for the benefit of silly douches who didn't watch season 3 and then Ben is all not saying what his plan is bevause he is creepy. Jack is all, "Nobody loves me! Wah wah!" and Ben doesn't give a crap, but he does continuously drive the knife in that ALL THIS BAD STUFF HAPPENED and it is ALL JACK'S FAULT. Dude, Ben, Jack already has a Tortured Hero complex. Lay off.

*And then MNA gets sad because JACK SHAVES OFF HIS BEARD OF AWESOMENESS.



And then Ben asks if Locke (as Jeremy Bentham) ever told Jack what happened after he left and Jack is all "No." Ben pauses for what I consider to be a Suspicious Amount of Time and then says, "...Then we'll never know." Why do I suspect Ben knows EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED. Through Nefarious Means?

Then we get a Season 3 Montage and then The Island is all Flashy Flashy I am a TARDIS and Locke, who was with all the Others standing in a sunlit glade is all Flashy Flashy and then he is standing in the RAIN and Richard and the Others are NOT THERE. Me presumes the Island is TRAVELLING THROUGH TIME because I, at least, understand that.

Shirtless Sawyer and Tipsy Juliet are drowning their sorrows (How I wish they got so totally drunk) and the Island Flashy Flashes. Bernard comes literally out of nowhere and is all "OMG Where is Rose?" Viewers were asking this too as it was totally unclear at the end of Season 3 whether or not Rose and Bernard got on the freighter. But Rose is okay and we all breathe a sigh of relief. Farraday is out on the raft flooring it back to the island which, you guessed it FLASHY FLASHES. Farraday seems to understand what is occurring as he knowingly confirms, "We must be in its radius." Random Losties are with him on the raft and one dude with a totally hilarious facial structure is all, "THIS IS SPOOKY. WHAT IS HAPPENING?" Dude, you area Red Shirt. I don't expect you to last more than three episodes. Please sit down and shup up.

*So their group makes it back to the beach but the CAMP HAS GONE. Sawyer (still shirtless) and Juliet seem to be maintaining at least a modicum of leadership as they are totally awesome and are trying to figure it all out. Charlotte randomly walks in when Daniel gets back and they make cute 'shipp dialogue and are otherwise cute. Daniel is such the scientist nerd and Charlotte is also kind of nerdy, but she shrugs it off because she is a girl. Miles Straume, the maybe baby of Dr Chang is also present and now he apparently wears a hoodie permanently on his head. Farraday, upon everyone's confusion is all, "The camp did not move. We did. Suck that."

BANG LOST.

So NOW we are in the credits as I go confused before and OMG Daniel Dae Kim is listed. I so knew he was not dead.

Kate is all Domestic Bliss and Toddler Aaron is IMPOSSIBLY CUTE. He is watching some US cartoon about a train that us coming to a tunnel and Kate is all, "I don't think so. If he goes in there he'll never get home." SYMBOLISM. Cute Aaron and Domesticated Kate are so awesome, but because Kate is in a Happy Place, that is dangerous for any character in drama. So, Smug Lawyer shows up and suspiciously needs some blood samples from Kate and Aaron to determine whether or not they really are related. Back off Smug Lawyer, Kate deserves some HAPPINESS, Typically, this lawyer refuses to state who he is working on behalf of. I totally suspect Benjamin Linus who is trying to Chess Pawn manouvre Kate back to the Island.

*Hilarity ensues because as soon as Kate slams the door in Smug Lawyers face she HITS THE BRICKS. After all, Kate is Born To Run. Toddler Aaron, impossibly cute. I think I mentioned that. And he totally looks like he could be the child of Emilie de Ravin. Sheer Kewlness. Also note that Kate has this Cute Family Photo on her table of Jack and Aaron on a swing set.

*So now we're three years previous and Sawyer and Juliet are trekking with the Boaties into the jungle to the Hatch (THE Hatch, like from Season 2) as Farraday is trying to SHOW them his theory. Sawyer totally wants Dan's shirt even though I suspect on account of Dan being sinewy and nerdy and Sawyer being buff and masculine it won't fit. Farraday is being difficult and not answering so Sawyer SLAPS HIM. OMG LMAO. Charlotte leaps to his defense because Dan cannot defend himself, and Sawyer promises to slap her too. That'd be too funny for words.

*Farraday basically calls Sawyer a dumb hick but after the facial slap explains that the island is a record skipping on its turntable. Gee, Dan and that was SO HARD to explain wasn't it? Douche. Farraday asks if everyone in their group is accounted for, but Sawyer and Juliet know Locke is not. I got kind of pissed here because neither Sawyer nor Juliet mention Claire. Sawyer and Juliet just committed EPIC FAIL.

*So Locke is trekking randomly (or he probably has a purpose because he's Locke) and OMG SPAZ OUT witnesses the crash of EKO's DRUG PLANE!!JGFCKSM Zfbsuf What other show could get away with that?

*And then, when he gets closer and starts to climb up the bunyan tree to the crashed drug plane, he is OKZJDBc ajsfth BSDofvzguk shot at by ETHAN ROM!!!!!!! TOTALLY WICKEDLY COOL. So Locke is apparently in... I think mid-2004. I think. I don't really remember when the chronology of the drug plane crashing is.

*Locke is shot in the leg and Ethan is all, "I shall kill you!" and Locke tries to explain who/what is happening, but Ethan does not buy it. I am so going to totally review my Season 1 DVDs and see if Locke and Ethan ever interact face-to-face to see if this all pans out as Ethan would've recognised Locke.

*So, because the island is a tease, it FLASHY FLASHES just as Locke is about to be shot by Ethan.

*We go back to the "present" if that means anything now, where Hardcore Sun is about to leave Heathrow Airport after her confrontation of Widmore last finale. Upon picking up her ticket, she is convinced to wait around and is TOTALLY HOODWINKED BY CHARLES WIDMORE. He's feeling challenged as Sun totally ripped off his manhood in front of his associates when she was all, "We have common interests you pig."

*Sun is so not taking any of his shit and is all, "I told you I want to kill Ben Linus." DA DUM

*The news is reporting Hurley's prison break ala Sayid, and Jack is now Clean Shaven.



Ben so takes it in stride (isn't he just awesome) and is all, "Plan B!"

*Sayid just go Hurley take out (Hurley: "Maybe if you ate more junk food you wouldn't go around killing people" ) and Hurley wonders who it was that sent that spy out to Santa Rosa. Sayid: "I don't care." BAD. ASS

*Sayid informs Hurley that he has sold his soul to Ben. Hurley is confused and wants to know if Ben is a good guy now. They go to the safe house, which is not safe anymore as Widmore/Ben/whoever the hell it is has sent people there and Sayid gets into one of his Annual Duel To The Death of Badassery and Wicked Kewl Moves. There's men getting thrown off balconies and judo chops and tranquilizer darts and random shit and Hurley totally incriminates himself when he gets a gun to help Sayid but gets photographed by a witness in an incriminating position.

*Juliet leads the others to the Swan, which is a smoking crater of released electromagnetism. Farraday confirms that it is after the crash of 815. Sawyer is all, "Yay I can go back to the beach and grab a shirt. Also, depending on when exactly we are, I can maybe you know, warn Kate... and everyone else, not to get on your silly excuse for a boat."

*Farraday geeks out and is all, "OMG um no. There are rules. Blah blah." Ah, just like Dr Chang warned us about. Then Farraday gives what I think to be a rather stupid analogy. He says that time is like a street. You can drive forwards and backwards but you can't create a new street. True, BUT what you can do is drive all over people's lawns and run down street signage and create wanton destruction. Think about THAT one Mr Farraday.

*So its night and Locke is trying to be all Rambo and fix his leg in the wreckage of Eko's drug plane. RICHARD ALPERT shows up and is all, "Let me silly" and fixes Locke's leg. He knew that Locke had been shot even though Locke had not told him. Because Locke WILL tell him? Say what? Richard don't confuse me. Locke has some rudimentary understanding that the island is unleashing a serious case of time fu, probably on account of Ethan. Richard knows more than Locke which is no surprise because I suspect Richard knows all the secrets of this show. Richard totally gives him the compass that he wanted Locke to choose when they met when Locke was a boy. OMG and then he tells Locke that the next time Locke sees him (Richard) he has to give him the compass. So Richard can give it to Locke. OMG ITS TEMPORAL CAUSALITYZF gsakblig nkhgvjkhjvlrju6dkbIFvfnxcgdhj bv P* g B.

Sidenote - Shit I was typing so fast I broke one of my keys. Okay all fixed now.

*Island goes FLASHY FLASH and Locke is confused.

*Juliet (OMG how hot is Elizabeth Mitchell) exposits to the Boaties exactly what the Swan was and then when they experience the recent FLASHY FLASH we saw from Locke's POV, the now non-crater in the ground tells them that they are in the past sometime before Locke, Desmond and Eko destroyed the Hatch. Sawyer is all, "I'm going to get Desmond. And a shirt!" There is this hilarious moment where Juliet exposits who Desmond is and finishes with, "And he pushed a button to save the world!"

Miles is all:



And the look on Elizabeth Mitchell's face as she replies, "Seriously" is totally awesome.

Sawyer is all "I need to get Desmond. And a shirt. So screw you Pointdexter." Farraday is all, "I'm so anal and no you can't there are rules." Sawyer totally emotes for Kate here and Josh Holloway is awesome.

So Sawyer pisses off back to the beach and Juliet and Miles follow. Dan and Charlotte bring up the rear when OMG CHARLOTTE GETS A NOSEBLEED. She totally takes it on the chin (not literally) and buggers off with the other. Dan suspect Something Sinister, as does the audience I am sure. I suspect it is some result of the Time Skippy The Island Kamgaroo (I hope non-Australian get that). Dan is all, "Fake excuse I left my notebook at the Hatch" but he actually did so it is okay.

*Alone now, Dan goes to the Hatch and totally displays bad guest etiquette by BANGING ON THE DOOR OMG SO LOUDLY. Desmond is probably trying to listen to Mama Cass. "You have to MAKE YOUR OWN KIND OF MUSIC" but whereas Sawyer got no response, Desmond comes out in all his HAZMAT suit glory. Ah, gotta love that old temporal linearity. Desmond is all, "Are you my replacement?" and its a case of OMG nice callback to Season 2, but I find it somewhat eyebrow-raising that Desmond never questions why Dan is NOT wearing any sort of protective gear. Whatever.

*Desmond is all "Me confused" and Farraday basically says, "OMG when you leave the island you need to remember that people are still stranded here and WE ARE TIME JUMPING. When YOU get off the island, go and see my mother at Oxford. She'll SAVE YOU!!" FLASHY FLASH starts up, coincidentally just before Farraday is able to tell Desmond his mother's name. Gee, that was convenient. I totally bet Farraday's mother is the as yet unforseen wife of Charles Widmore. That, or that Mrs Hawking woman from Season 3. Also, Dan is all, "THE RULES DON'T APPLY TO YOU DESOMOND. You'e special." More Crucial Information. I also suspect that Daniel Farraday is exempt from the rules too given the time hijinks we've seen him get up to.

*So Island goes FLASHY FLASH and we go to present day: in the ocean. Turns out Desmond has settled down with Penny in the last three years and they're living off of her boat, which I remind you is called the Searcher. So apt. And Penny is all "I'm sexy Sonya Walger and I get to wear skimpy shirts" and Desmond is all, "I'm tortured Henry Ian Cusick and WE HAVE TO GO BACK." Penny laughs it off as a dream, but Desmond is all, "No. A memory." I do wonder what type of temporal synchronisation and wacky time madness had to have occurred to have Desmond remember this NOW as opposed to the moment he got off the island, or the moment he reunited Penny or whatever else (why a three year lapse?) but whatever. He goes up and does all this boat/nautical/sailor shit that I don't understand to get the boat moving and Penny is all, "Um... where?" Desmond: "Oxford." Cut to Penny's WTF look.

BANG LOST THE END

In short, I loved it.

Liar, liar, that flaming arrow in your chest is on fire! OR MNA looks at The Lie

(BTW, I do feel like this episode overall is somewhat stronger than the first hour of the season premiere)

*So we get this title card that says "Three Years Ago." This is not really helpful as "Three Years Ago" from what, I ask? From the crash? From the rescue? From the Island's last flashy flash? What?

*So some guy whose face is obscured is getting some alcohol from a fridge. OMG its FRANK LAPIDUS. Coolness. Jeff Fahey is still rocking the facial hair. And he's on Is Penny's Boat which is awesome. Ah, so it is Three Years Ago from the "present day." Right, now I'm up with it.

*Jack is all on about his "We have to lie" schtick. Kate is like, totally into this course of action as I guess it means she gets to keep Aaron. And while some may say this is a totally selfish move on her part, I think its sweet. There's like this unspoken promise they all made to Claire that Aaron would be looked after since she went all native and I'd prefer one of the Losties to have him as opposed to someone we've never met before. Or even Aaron's father. He was a total douchebag.

*ANYWAYS, so Frank is all, "I'll roll with you guys" but it doesn't concern him anyways since he wasn't on the plane so he can just get on with his life and Desmond and Penny are finally reunited so they're cool and so it's just the Oceanic 6. Hurley does not want to lie and Sayid seems to be undecided, but leaning towards the "Let's tell a big fat porky" side of proceedings. Hurley doesn't understand why the have to lie, and Jack is all "We need to protect those we left behind." Hurley still thinks they should all come clean as Widmore can't touch them anyways. He kind of has a point. And then Jack is all, "Shut the hell up. I'm the Official Leader of this group so do as I say."

*Hurley entreats Penny to slap her father down (and BTW those two beers Frank got were for him and Des; I guess Penny doesn't drink because she's an *upper crust British accent*lady*upper crust British accent* and the O6 are too busy making lies and fibs to drink. Maybe later. And anyways Penny is all, "Okay for the benefit of those two people out there who don't watch Lost, my father cannot be called off. He's like a dog with a bone." And this reminds me that all the times we've ever seen Charles and Penny Widmore, they have NEVER EVER interacted. Not on screen anyways. Desmond has had more screen time with Daddy Warbucks than Penny ever has. Chew on THAT.

*So Sayid accedes and Sun, after throwing Jack a dirty look on his "Protect those we left behind" dialogue, also agrees. Hurley gets very P'Oed and is all "Thanks for nothing Sayid. One day you'll need my help and I can tell you to talk to my hand. Suck that."

*Hurley also gets to describe the Island's disappearance: "Bloop!" Man, I love Hurley.

FLASHY FLASH to PRESENT DAY.

Hurley is totally driving around downtown LA like he's in one of those clichéd cop chase thriller movies and Sayid is hilariously unconscious in the passenger seat. Hurley is all running over post boxes and shit and ALARM ALARM a cop car pulls him over. Hurley is totally making a mess in his pants and we see in the side-mirror from the approaching cop's profile that it's a woman.

*OMG WTF THISISAWESOME POOYOURPANTS IT'S GHOST ANA-LUCIA!!%^&$^#%!!

*That's correct, your eyes do not deceive you: GHIOST ANA-LUCIA CORTEZ. Shit a massive brick!

*So Ana-Lucia acts like this is nothing out of the ordinary and berates Hurley for breaking all manner of road rules and shit because that is going to draw more attention to his hasty getaway. So she offers some sage advice like you know, act normal, and change your ketchup/blood stained clothes and random stuff like that and then tells him "He has work to do." Those Island ghosts, always with their "You have work to do" motto. Whatever. Ana-Lucia moves to leave and she is wearing wicked-cool sunnies, and then she's all flippantly, "Oh yeah, Libby says hi."

OMG MRNOMANOR HAS A CORONARY!!!!!!!!!!!!HFHJBKf ku376r440 tw4

BANG LOST.

*We're back to Craphole Island and its day and Rose and Bernard are trying different methods for making a fire. Wet Blanket Funny Face from Farraday's random Lostie group from last week lives up to the monniker I gave him by being a moaning bitch to Rose/Bernard that they're all screwed so why light a fire?

*Rose totally shuts his ass down and we all cheer and Wet Blanket whose name is actually Neil but Sawyer randomly calls Frogurt (question: Why? Did he sell frozen yoghurt pre-island?) lets Sawyer take one of his shirts. Female audience members boo and hiss at Froghurt for giving in to Sawyer.

*Farraday returns from screwing with time and Hatch!Desmond's head and is all, "I need to calculate where in time we are." I'm assuming he will do this by mapping/cataloguing the positions of the stars and constellations and shit, but I don't really know. We also find out that as any possessions that the Losties have on them when they time-skip, these possessions go along for the ride too. Like John/Richard's compass. And the zodiac life raft Dan had.

*Miles heads off to get food (ALONE!!) and when Juliet questions exactly how, he's all vague and "I'll just get it." I bet my ass he will go out and ghost whisper the island's dead animals to locate some food.

*HURLEY pulls up at a service station to heed Ghost Ana-Lucia's sage advice and pulls an impossibly cute I Heart Shih-Tzu T-shirt off the rack and buys it, but not before the cashier makes a cute joke about it and totally makes me laugh by looking at Unconscious Sayid out in the car all slumpy and with sunglasses and thinks he totally drunk. If only, cashier lady, if only. The lady totally busts Hurley's cover and recognises him not only as an Oceanic 6, but also from when he won that gajillion dollars. She doesn't notice the news broadcast muted behind her that is telling us about Hurley's apparent involvement in those murders. Hurley sucks at being on the lam. He totally needs lessons from Kate.

*Speaking of Kate, Hurley is all ZOOM ZOOM out of the service station JUST AS Kate and Impossibly Cute Toddler Aaron pull in from the other direction. BTW Aaron is actually more cute than Hurley's shirt. The whole "two integral characters fatefully just miss each other" is totally old school Lost like how everyone was running through everyone's else's flashbacks and MNA approves vastly.

*Kate seems to have no clue as to what she is doing. I guess raising a son and domestication has laid waste to her hot fugitive skillz. So Kate is looking at a map so what do I know she probably has a plan and Impossibly Cute Aaron is doing a colouring-in book. CCCCCCCCCCCCUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTEEEE

*Kate gets a very shady phone call, but we don't immediately learn who is on the other end. Kate doesn't seem to really mind that this person called, but did not expect this person to call. This Person is actually in LA and wants to meet Kate. Kate agrees. Aaron is cute. End scene.

*So now we're at Ben and Jack's, and I feel there is a joke in there, but it is too witty for me. Ben is all sneakily getting a wrapped parcel out of the air circulation vents and Jack is, I think, glamming himself up in the bathroom. Ben is all, "I'm checking out of this dump" and Jack wants to know what he is supposed to do (But not like when Locke is all, "TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO!!^$!&$*&!!!" Jack is more calm than that). Ben tells him to go collect anything he wants from this life as he won't be coming back to it. Jack is all, "Good" and Ben is all, "We have Locke's corpse floating around. This may arouse suspicion. I must go and hide it somewhere in preparation for our return to Craphole Island." Ben leaves. He is creepy and has bug-eyes.

*So now we journey to the Reyes Mansion and Mack Daddy Cheech is making himself a rather awesome looking sandwich. He is also watching EXPOSE!!TI^&2&$5352 Titticaca that is so awesome. I love Lost continuity. If you sit there and listen to the Expose dialogue it is so hilariously cheesy and funny that I wish they could've gotten Kiele Sanchez back even for a cameo on the TV. That would've ruled.

*So Hurley shows up at the door (and its hilarious as Mack Daddy Cheech doesn't know which door Hurley is pounding on account of Casa de Reyes having so many goddamn doors, my gosh this place is HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE) and is totally carrying Unconscious Sayid on his shoulders. WIN. Naveen Andrews is totally phoning this episode in. LMAO.

*When the Season 5 DVDs drop I totally hope that in the bloopers section, they show heaps from this episode because I bet that Cheech, Naveen and Jorge Garcia totally made each other laugh hilariously at some of the stuff they pull in these scenes. Hurley is all flinging Unconscious Sayid to the couch, then him and Daddy Cheech have to see if Sayid is still breathing and its quite hilarious how they do this and its all so funny you'll break your stitches.

*Between the safehouse and the zoo and potential coma, Daddy Cheech is confused. I am proud that I am not. Daddy Cheech gets a call on the mansion intercom from the cops who have arrived. Daddy Cheech agrees to lie to the cops but then wants Hurley to tell the truth. Dude, Hurley wanted to do this from the start.

*Cheech is all "Are you crazy again?" and wants to take Sayid to hospital. Hurley is all "HELLS no" and riffs on the Godfather. Daddy Cheech is not amused.

*Sexy Kate and Cute Aaron arrive at a posh hotel and the caller that dialled Kate is on the top floor. Cute Aaron wants to push the elevator button (perhaps when he was in Claire's womb he absorbed all the Losties' combined Hatch button pushing gusto or maybe its just because he is three and three-year-olds love that stuff) and him and Kate share this so tender "OMG you pushed the button! Whee! Good boy" and it is undeniably cute and I got very clucky.

*So Kate and Aaron arrive at the penthouse/whatever it is and OMG IT IS SUN. SUN CALLED KATE. Oh, the tangled web we weave. Sun seems genuinely pleased to see Kate and Aaron and I had a little gush.

*Some butcher is cutting up some meat - very viciously - and then Ben shows up. The female butcher waits until her colleague goes out back (And OMG Ben actually took a ticket from the machine - FUNNY!!) and then is all, "Hello Ben." I suspect she is an Other working "in the field" but this is never specified, but the pseudo-Other's name is Jill. She agrees to look after Corpse of Locke. She makes a verbal jab at Jack but Ben is all, "Shut the kriff up." OMG I think he empathises with Jack. Wonders never cease!

*Bernard gets a fire going, but blows on it and its peters out. Rose is not amused. Frogurt sticks his bib in and Rose pisses him off. Don't you just love Rose?

*So Charlotte and Dan are being impossibly cute and he's doing physics shit and she comes up with what I think are mangoes. Some kind of fruit anyways. She mentions that she is starting to forget stuff she should remember. Dan is all, "Um…" and she thinks he knows what is going on.

*Before he can answer, Miles comes back with this massive-ass juicy boar. He won't answer how he got it, except to say, "It was dead in the jungle" or some such. He totally ghost whispered that boar's ass. Or maybe Now Vanished Claire led him to it. I miss Claire.

*So Neil Frogurt is all "Bitch and moan, bitch and moan." Sawyer tells him to simmer down and Neil calls him an inbred. OH NO YOU DIDN'T!!!!! Sawyer is so about to wipe the floor with Frogurt's whinging ass, but Juliet stays his hand. Neil also has a verbal swipe at poor Bernard. Rose is not amused. Neither am I. This guys needs to die for his transgressions against people who are so much cooler than he can ever possibly hope to be.

*Frogurt launches into this rant, "We're screwed. I suck. We don't even have food. I'm a loser. We don't even have FIRE!!!" And its totally awesome and Craphole Island gods are smiling on me and the Losties this night as just when Frogurt is all "FIRE!" he gets totally IMAPLED WITH A FLYING ARROW OF FIRE!!OMFG YES! I did not see that coming! KEWLNESS IN THE EXTREME.

*Juliet and Sawyer are kind of frozen for a moment - and this is only natural - and then Sawyer is all "RUN!" and the camera is kind to us and shoots into the sky where we see like A DOZEN FLAMING ARROWS coming down from the trees that border the back of the beach. O.M.G. AWESOME!!RI&ewre V37v5

*But now I have to pay attention because it is pandemonium time and there's arrows and fleeing people every which way. Miles' boar gets hit:

And the look on his face is half "Move legs! MOVE" and half "Not the boar that I mysteriously got even though I don't have Locke's Jungle King Skillz, I worked hard to potentially ghost whisper that boar's dead ass!'

*So Miles runs off, I *think* by himself, and then Charlotte and Dan run off together, as they were separated from the rest of the group by Frogurt's flaming corpse. And Sawyer, Juliet and mostly all the other run off in this massive marathon group in the jungle. There's a couple of people who don't make it and totally Stunt Guy burn on the entirety of their bodies. Now, I specifically looked at the group for Rose and Bernard and they do make it into the jungle. But then the focus is on Sawyer/Juliet so who knows where the hell they went.

MrNomAnor is not amused.

*Side-note: Now, this is the first time I have ever mentioned this, but does anyone else think Jeremy Davies is totally looking like a scrawny, bearded brother of Dave Annable on Brothers and Sisters? They just look so much alike. It is uncanny. Anyways -

*Sawyer tells everyone to split up, which they all seem to be doing anyways in the CHAOS AND BEDLAM and whoever is shooting these goddamn arrows are a crack team of assassins, as they poach this guy to a GODDAMN TREE and this other guy stupidly turns around and gets an arrow or two RIGHT IN THE CHEST.

AWESOME.

*Juliet stops to help some guy who, in another life, must've been a virgin in a horror film because, you guessed it, he tripped. And got an arrow in the chest.

*Juliet stops and tries to help this guy by throwing sand on the fire, which I totally give her credit for, as in a situation like this, I'd be too panicked to know what the goddamn hell to do.

*Sawyer is all, "This will not end well" except he doesn't say it with words, but the look on his face. He goes to yank Juliet the hell out of there and yells to anyone still within earshot to meet at the creek. I totally hope Rose and Bernard were present for these instructions. Everyone else… whatever, you can take your chances in the jungle and with Smokey.

Just before we END SCENE, we get a quick shot at a portion of the beach. It is TOTALLY KARKING WRECKED. There's flaming arrows everywhere and whoever those people shooting them were, they're bloody good. At this point I suspect the last FLASHY FLASH took the Losties back in time and the people who shot those arrows are the past versions of the Others. That's my theory.

*So we're back at Casa de Reyes. The cops are holding a stake-out but they aren't very clandestine about it. Daddy Cheech is all, "I think you're crazy again" and it is at this point that I randomly notice just how much statues/paintings/décor is of the Virgin Mary in this mansion. Mama Reyes is totally awesome that way, "Jesus Christ is not a weapon" indeed.

*Daddy Cheech feels that if Hurley is not crazy, then he is lying. Why is it parents always divine when their children are fibbing? Its unnatural. Mama Reyes comes home:

"Why is there a dead Pakistani on my couch?"

LMAO FOREVER

I love how she is all "He isn't breathing" but then Hurley comes up and is all, "He is kinda." Ah, that wacky Reyes bunch.

*Mama Reyes, whilst out shopping, found that Hurley is all over the news again. This is unfortunate. Daddy Cheech is again banging on about getting Sayid to the hospital. Cheech manages to get Sayid out past the lazy cops and does this cheesy wave. It's cool.

*So Sun shows off her baby pictures of Ji Yeon, and hopes that one day her daughter can play with Aaron.

That would really be SUPER-DUPER UBER IMPOSSIBLY CUTESY PIES. I endorse this right now.

*Kate is all freaked that someone is trying to expose their lie, but after talking to Sun, Sun is all, "Aha! These lawyers really want to take Aaron from you, not expose our lie."

*She believes Kate has what it takes to totally go fugitive on these assholes, but Kate is all, "I am a respectable citizen now."

*Sun knows it is not that easy to let go of the past and reminds Kate that she does indeed have what it takes as she did when she made them leave the freighter without Jin. Really awesomely emotive music swells and we get a Season 4 finale montage.

*Sun reveals that she doesn't actually blame Kate, as if Kate did not make that decision, then they all would've died. Ah, my heart is warmed that Sun does not blame Kate. It really makes me happy.

*But I still think Sun kinda blames Jack: "Two people are responsible for my husband's death. YOU are one of them" she says to her father. The other is obviously Ben, but I still think she blames Jack a little.

*So Daddy Cheech takes Unconscious Sayid to DOCTOR JACK JUST OFF HIS CRACK (because Ben flushed them down the loo because Ben is so caring. Say it with me now: Aaaawwwww!) and Jack immediately tittle-tattles to Ben. Ben is pleased. His Master Plan is working. Mwhahahahahaha!

*So Mama Reyes is getting Hurley some fizzy drink and there's Virgin Mary again and because Mama Reyes is his mother she is totally on Hurley's ass about his lying. She has some awesome dialogue about how "Good men don't kill three people. Good men don't kill anyone" and how "the news thinks you killed those people. So everybody thinks you killed those people." Mama Reyes is so sage and awesome.

*Hurley tells her all about the lie. And it is somewhat hilarious despite the emotional gravity of the situation because Hurley sums up the entire storyline of Lost in one minute. The crash, Smokey, the Hatch, the freighter, Widmore, the Others, their alliance with the Others, the O6, he covers it all in ONE MINUTE.

WIN WIN WIN WIN

*Mama Reyes is all, "Am I being Punked? This is preposterous. But I believe you."

*And Hurley gets his validation. And it so heartwarming.

*So Sawyer finally has his shirt. But now he has no shoes. And the poor fella steps on a spiky thing. Juliet pokes holes in his plans about meeting at the creek because Sawyer never specified where on the creek. Oopsie.

*So the Dynamic Duo have to hide because these creepy silent people with rifles are moving through the jungle. They look like - from their legs - that they are wearing a uniform.

*They get totally busted when this British-accented guy in an old-school British military uniform YANKS JULIET UP BY HER HAIR. That is no way to treat a lady, you fool.

*This guy is all, "What are you doing on OUR island?"

*Methinks that Jacob, Richard Alpert and maybe even Charles Widmore would totally break your balls for saying that, man. Also British accented man in old-school British military garb's surname is JONES. Obviously, viewers of Lost have to keep an eye out for this minutiae, as it probably is Crucial Information.

*So Jack is administering drugs and shit to Sayid to restore his heartbeat to acceptable levels and stuff. He does that "shine the torch in your eye to test shit" medical thing and Sayid TOTALLY WAKES UP AND STRANGLES JACK IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS.

How rude.

*Jack soon calms him down and Sayid realizes he just made a faux par of massive proportions.

*Sayid, bless him, is straight down to business. "Where is Hurley?" And Jack is all "At home eating or something." Sayid wants to know if anyone else knows where he is. Jack, at this time, should really be crapping his pants.

*Hurley is micro waving something. Ben shows up. Hurley totally throws the hot food at Ben, but because he throws like someone who can't throw it misses Ben and gets the wall. Ben's facial expression is priceless.

*Ben tries to coax Hurley to come with him. Hurley is like, "…No." Ben tries his JedI mind tricks, but it doesn't work. Hurley screws Ben over by running out to the cops and getting his ass arrested. DUDE, Ghost Ana-Lucia warned you specifically not to do this. Also, I was totally expecting Hurley to do that thing like in the movies where the perp runs away from the cops/bad guy and goes THROUGH THE GLASS DOOR and its all slapstick/pratfall funny. But Hurley doesn't. Damn him. Ben is not amused. Hurley is, and his look is all, "Sucked in, I win." Hurley…. I don't think you do.

*British army dude threatens to cut off Juliet's arm (you are so asking to be punched in the face asshole) and Sawyer is all, "We're just as confused as you." British army dude almost cuts off poor Juliet's arm, but doesn't get around to it as LOCKE TOTALLY KNIFES HIM IN THE CHEST. Or back. Whatever. Guess this British army dude was not so important after all. Maybe one of his fellow personnel will be. Those uniforms look a few decades old. Maybe this all has something to do with Charles Widmore? Hmmmm.

*Anyway Locke is all jovial and is all "Hey guys" but Juliet and Sawyer are all "Thanks for the save but we need to sleep for a week." Juliet, ever the forward thinker, has managed to snag Officer Jones' army rifle. That may or may not come in handy.

*FINAL SCENE is in some type of laboratory/classroom thing. A Creepy Hooded Figure of Menace is writing some serious pieces of equational shit that I will never ever hope to understand on a blackboard and from the clickety-clack of this person's shoes, I assume it is a female. There is also this pendulum swinging over some table that has chalk drawings of some shit on it and every time the pendulum swings (or most of the times it swings) it draws a chalk line. There are heaps of these lines and they all intersect.

*So the lady is looking at this pendulum's activities and then keys some random shit into this really old style of computer (think 1970s computers, like in the Hatch) and on the computer screen is a global map and the words EVENT WINDOW DETERMINED.

*hhhhhmmmm

*So she types a little more (I wonder what her WPM rate is) and then she climbs these stairs into what looks to be a church. It is indeed a woman and OMG MULTPLIED BY INFINITY IT IS MRS HAWKING!!^R$&%UE$#^!w2 1

She is up at the altar and OMG BENJAMIN LINUS IS THERE. As my mind tries to calculate just how fast he got from Los Angeles to here which is I assume Oxford, England, he is all, "Any luck?"

Mrs Hawking totally has the air of one of those older styled school teachers who will NOT brook insolence and is all, "Yes, how about you?"

Ben must be poodooing in his pants and is all, "Erm…. Having some difficulty." Basically his task for whatever end game they are playing at is to get the Oceanic 6 (plus maybe some others like Frank and Desmond and Corpse Locke and maybe even Ji Yeon and more distantly, Walt Lloyd, but I think I am overreaching here) back to the island. He tells of his difficulty getting Hurley.

Ben is all teary eyes, "What if I can't get them all back?" And Mrs Hawking is all, "Then we are all DOOMED." Also, Ben only has seventy hours to complete this task. Better get back on that plane, Benny boy. I'm assuming that this seventy hours plays into the EVENT WINDOW DETERMINED that Mrs Hawking got on her shitty computer. Perhaps the time-skippy island can now only be found when it time jumps to present day and that is what Mrs Hawking is trying to determine.

*Also, all throughout their conversation, Mrs Hawking was setting up the church altar. So, she's knowledgeable in time travel shit, she knows about the island, she is working with Ben, is feasibly Dan Farraday's mother and works in a church? Is she an all-rouder or what?

BANG END OF LOST.

I assume you came back for your bong, OR MNA does Jughead

So our sole crucial beginning of the episode pivotal flashback this week comes courtesy of dear old Des and Penny. So Desmond is totally running bat shit crazy through this crowded village somewhere, I think it is in the Philippenes. I do apologise for not knowing where this village is, but I'm tired okay! I have a full-time uni course and also a part-time job and on top of that I am a neat freak and like to keep my house clean.

ANYWAYS who cares because Desmond is bats hit crazy and running through this village all "Bat salonga" trying to find someone. He does.

So it's a doctor and holy shit on a stick REVEAL ONE of this episode is that zhd gfzesld. ACIYBfau6gb 4fw489ptpb gaz nzm PENNY IS IN LABOUR. HOLY FRAK. So she's all poor Penny because she's been in labour for who knows how long and Desmond is freaking and the doctor is all whatever and OMG THEY HAVE A BOY. Wait until we find out what they call the little fella. This is so emotional. I love this. OMG awesome. So they have a boy and Desmond is all getting high on the love in the room and then so is Penny but she's tired because hey, she's just had a baby. The music in this scene is so awesome and how cool are Henry Cusick and Sonya Walger. They have fantastic, flawless chemistry all the time. And they act a lot with their eyes which I appreciate. You really get the sense that there is this history between their characters and even if you don't know what that is, at least you get that sense of something. That's brilliant.

So we totally move forward to present day and Desmond is hanging and chilling on Penny's rather spacious and luxurious boat with his son. And they're looking at the stars and its all domestic bliss and alarm bells go off in my head, because like Kate in recent episodes, Desmond and Penny are HAPPY. They are AT PEACE. This will not end well. Damn you, television rules and conventions, damn you!

So Desmond is talking to his boy (OMG I can't get over that!) and he's waxing on about this "special island" and how he "left it a long time ago" and he's all wistful and shit. I immediately recognise he isn't talking about Craphole Island, but rather the Mother Country and in particular ol' Scotland. Kilts and all. So at this point Penny is totally eavesdropping as mothers are prone to do with their husbands and sons and Desmond is all telling tales about lochs and monsters and silliness like that. Baby Hume? Totally cute. Not as cute as Toddler Aaron, but still cute. He has wild curly hair and its awesome.

Anyways, so Desmond is telling (kind of) how he met Penny and Penny interrupts with the real version (which is slightly less romantic, but true). And because Penny is so awesome she takes this opportunity to totally seamlessly segue into how much of a prime douche bag her father is and how he wants to kill all of Desmond's Craphole Island friends. Ah, that Penny, she has such class. I love Penny.

So then Desmond is all, "I have to save them" and Penny is more reticent because if her father finds out, heads will roll. She also hasn't seen him since she saved Desmond, and Mr Widmore doesn't even know he is a grandfather. That's sad, but he may or may not be a bad guy, so that is his comeuppance. So Desmond recaps that he has to find Farraday's mother, and with that we skidoosh to…..

Craphole Island. So the three freighter folk are tramping through the jungle with two random red shirted Losties and recapping that they need to get to the creek. Miles has brilliant sarcasm here, as always. Charlotte is like, having veritgo or some shit and Dan totally knows what is happening but lies that she will be okay. LIAR! The group get to the creek and Miles has more sarcasm. After being verbally slapped down by Dan, Dan himself sees all these OMG trip wires and BOOM BOOM BOOM those two random red shirted Losties are totally blown into next Sunday. Ha ha!

So then the three freighter folk survive because they are totally in the cast credits as regulars and these British soliders show up. Their leader is a totally hot babe and relatively young for being someone in charge and she is all, "Ha ha! I have you now." And then she's all, "You just couldn't stay away could you?" DA DUM.

Also, Miles? Yeah he totally dob in Dan's ass when Hot Army Chick is all, "Who is in charge here?" That Miles, he's such a scamp! And a self-preservationist.

SWIRLY CREEPY MUSIC LOST TITLE

So apparently like most kids Baby Hume doesn't like to eat breakfast. Penny is pissed. She doesn't understand why, if Des heard this shit like three years ago and more, he only remembers it now. You and me both, Penny. And congrats that she brought that up onscreen. Desmond is all, "I'm totally riffing on Jack's hero complex here so I have to do this."

He promises he will complete his task in a day. I scream "NNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" because promising something in this fashion is like saying, "I'll be back." Whenever a TV/film character says, "I will be right back" they never are because they end up dead, kidnapped, transported into outer space or some other anomalous shit. So DON'T promise your Penny, Des, because it will so be broken.

So Penny is all afraid as she doesn't want Des to return to Craphole, as it will ruin him, and someone will most likely wind up dead. But Des is all stiff upper lip and he will be done within the day.

I don't think so.

Back on Craphole, Hot Army Chick actually clarifies that at the time the rain of flaming arrows came down on the beach, there were twenty people there. OMG she totally clarified how many people are left from the plane crash on the island (with the exceptions of Claire and Locke of course). That's totally awesome, although I suspect there could easily be one or two people left over that for some reason weren't at the beach. Whatever, that clarification was nice. However, a thought just occurred to me. Hot Army Chick may have been rounding up or down. I doubt it, given that she's trying to be all precise and shit, but one never knows.

ANYWAYS after sarcasm from Miles, she reveals that her people did not plant the land mines. Hhhhmmmm. She also points out that Miles' people did. Hhhhmmmmm.

Back with Locke and co, Sawyer totally sarcastically riffs on dead Frogurt and Locke reveals that he knows the island is time-skipping. See, Sawyer, he figured that out on his own! Nobody knows who the two soldiers they are holding are. Then the soldiers start speaking Latin. Juliet fires some of her own off. Locke and Sawyer are all, "Say what?" And Juliet reveals that these people, the soldiers who attacked the beach are OMG OTHERS. I totally guessed that last week!

So the freighter people are marched through the jungle. Miles totally channels his inner cool and GHIST WHISPERS when they walk over the graves of some recently dead US soldiers. I smell a war is happening for Craphole Island.

So Hot Army Chick has led everyone to OMG the camp of the Others where ageless Richard Alpert still looks the same age as he will forty odd years in the future. I so want the cosmetics he uses.

So Richard and Dan play this pissing contest of, "what's your name?" and Richard is soon, "Okay I am not five. So whatever. I assume you came back for your bomb."

At first I totally misheard what he said and thought he uttered, "I assume you came back for your bung." But that made no sense. And so then I thought, did Richard just ask Dan, "I assume you came back for your bong!" Luckily we had a commercial here because it gave me time to process that what he actually said was, "I assume you came back for your bomb." This really makes no sense either, but since this is the least silly of the alternatives I will assume this is what he meant. Also, the confusion is understandable, as Dan Farraday kind of looks like a hippie. He, Charlotte and Miles together could also be the Three Stooges, so I will forgive Richard his incoherent speech. It could also be my ears, but I will not admit that.

So Desmond has rocked up to Oxford and stiff upper lip desk clerk lady is all, "There is no record of Farraday here." She's totally blowing Desmond off and is all snobby and shit, and Des is, "Cor blimey this is ridiculous."

So he leaves silly snobby desk clerk and totally sneaks around until he finds the uni's physics department and a suspicious looking door that is all "Warning! Fumigation in progress!" Yeah right.

So Des totally breaks in because he is hardcore and finds what we as the audience know is all of Dan's old "send the mouse's brain through time" equipment and wooden mazes and stuff. Des soon cottons on that this was Dan's lab as he is smart. This man totally scares both Des and me because he is all BANG here I am! He's one of the "fumigators" and is surprisingly forthcoming with information. He confirms this is Dan's lab and that he was attempting to send rats' brains through time. Des is all, "Re-he-heeeeely?" and the "fumigator" asks Des to lie and say he saw nothing and in exchange, the "fumigator" will exposit some more pertinence.

So he guy is all, "Can you blame Oxford for wanting to kick Farraday to the turf after what he did to that woman?"

And then because Lost is such a c**ktease, we go back to Craphole.

Miles is all, "We're gonna die!" and Farraday is all, "Let's just chill until we FLASHY FLASH again." The freighter folk come to understand that the Others believe them to be American military. How wrong have they got it?

So Richard enters and is all politely, "Am I interrupting?" I wonder what he would have done if someone had of said, "Yes." So Hot Army Chick's name is Ellie. That may or may not be pertinent info later on, so I will check it in my brain as "File away for later."

Richard exposits that the American military has come to the island doing some type of tests and have attacked the Others. Richard is all, "OMG you suck and did you ome back for your device?"

Dan, who earlier noticed one of the Others with radiation burns has come to understand that there is a hydrogen bomb on the island (oooooo) and that it is leaking.

Richard is all, "How do I know that you won't just detonate the bomb?" because he is smart and awesome. Dan is all, "Because I love the woman sitting next to me."

OMG AWESOME REVEAL 2!

Sure, we knew he loved Charlotte, but now it is out in the open for all to see. WIN-JUICE OF AWESOMENESS

So Locke is following his Compass of Destiny and Juliet and Sawyer are having this sarcasm argument of when she learned Latin in Others 101. The captive soldiers are all, "Sucked in! All your people are dead or captured because this hick douche bag yelled out 'Let's go meet at the creek and hang and chill'" and while I'm all, "Leave Sawyer alone, fools!" Sawyer's pride is all injured and he's totally, "Well next time I'll say it in my secret language like you geeky nerds, okay?" And by the way, lippy solider's name-tag says Cunningham and the other says Jones. Although I am just realizing that since these guys are Others, they could have easily stolen the uniforms from some British or US soldiers. Whatever, you deceptive Others, whatever.

So Juliet Latins up "Cunningham" and totally name-drops the name Richard Alpert like the currency it is, and "Cunningham" relents.

So Soldier "Jones" becomes a hardcore badass and surprises the piss out of all present by running over and VICIOUSLY SNAPPING "CUNNINGHAM'S" NECK OMG awesome sauce!

Then he totally floors it into the jungle and Locke hesitates shooting him because he is a Past Other and therefore, technically one of Locke's people. Sawyer is all, "You girl" and snatches the rifle but misses his shot. As we will later find out, fate and temporal linearity means that Sawyer HAS to miss his shot. But that's later.

So Desmond is walking down this rather very London looking street through there's some CGI thrown in and I have to say I really don't like Desmond's fashion sense. It is epicly poor, Desmond. Epicly poor. FHAIL.

So Des has totally rocked up to "that woman's" house. That woman is Theresa Spencer and she's in a coma-like state. Her sister is caring for her, and is at first welcoming. But when she learns that Des is there because/for/ Dan Farraday, she drops her bundle. Apparently, Theresa was going out with Dan, and when this "thing" happened, Dan bailed for the States. Theresa sometimes comes out of her coma-like state and gets confused as to what year she is in! Sounds familiar? It should, hearty viewers, it should.

Theresa's sister is all, "OMG if it weren't for My Hero Charles Widmore, who sponsored Farraday and then took care of all our medical and palliative costs, we'd be screwed. All hail Charles Widmore."

Desmond, who by now feels stuck in Groundhog Day is all *slaps face* Hell no *slaps face*

Back on Craphole, Miles is having trouble believing the hydrogen bomb. Dan is all, "Yeah, the US Army tested bombs in the South Pacific in the 1950s." So that's WHEN we are.

Charlotte is all, "You didn't have to say you loved me just to convince these hostile jerks that you wouldn't blow us all up fifty years in the past."

Ellie rocks up and is all, "Cut the crap. Let's bounce."

So Richard tells Dan that 18 months previously a US Army battalion rocked up and Richard was forced to kill them off. Ah, so those uniforms the Others are wearing ARE stolen from the military. Ah! Aha!

He pseudo-implies that Jacob gave the order to have them killed, but doesn't name names and Dan does not know what he just missed out on. Also, those tents that the Others sometimes live out of, those tents we've seen since Season 3?

OMG totally stolen from the army too! Kewlness!

So "Jones" rocks up and breathlessly (or not so breathlessly, this guy is pretty fit) explains to Richard how Locke and the others got the jump on him. At this point, Ellie totally offers a sarcastic quip at "Jones'" expense. I smell a history between these two!

Jones is all, "Shut up wench" and FYI both "Jones" and Ellie are British. Or at least, they have British accents. So I assume that means they are British. Richard is all LMAO, "And you don't think you could've been followed?"

Jones is all, "F&% their leader is an old fogey and I know this island better than him!"

This line will become so very pivotal for a variety of reasons later on.

Also, Officer Jones, you obviously don't know John Locke, King of Jungle Skillz and nature and tracking your ass across Craphole Island.

Locke is actually with Sawyer and Juliet overlooking Other Camp. I told you, Officer Jones, I TOLD YOU.

So Locke is all, "Juliet how did you know Richard would be here?" Juliet is all overbearing look, "Richard's always been here, silly." So also adds Richard is very old. Like, duh!

Locke is all, "Gotta go talk to Richard to help save us, brb!"

Sawyer is all, "Great plan, loserface. Do you have a death wish?"

So Soldier Ellie is all not taking Dan's crap and does not believe him and actually raises a good point, "You expect me to believe that you, a British woman and Chinese man all work for the US military?" LOL, she got you there, Dan.

So he is all, "I'll prove my good intentions by deactivating this bomb so fast you won't even be able to say, 'MrNomAnor actually thinks that Ellie is the past version of Mrs Hawking and therefore Dan Farraday's mother OMG LOL I hope this is true."

Also, Ellie brings him up to the bomb, which looks to me like it is resting on the scaffolding of what will be the radio tower where Rosseau will later send out her SOS.

The bomb has a crack in the casing and Dan explains that it NEEDS to be filled with lead and then buried. Ellie is all, "YOU ARE A DOUCHE. I DON'T LIKE YOU."

Dan exposits he is from the future and the island will be there in the future and time-travelling like a TARDIS mofo and then Sawyer rocks up and is all, "Drop the gun, beeyotch!" Juliet totally sashays in and is all, "Why don't we all drop our guns? Make love not war."

Sawyer totally does not say, "This is how I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb." Instead he offers an incredulous "You told her?" to Ellie's "Are they from the future too?" Sawyer is all, "Oh, so its okay when YOU break the rules of time travel and temporal linearity and causality but no one else can? Oh, that's fair, Pointdexter!"

So Des has rocked up to the offices of Charles Widmore and totally gives his middle finger to Widmore's hapless secretary. Widmore is all bemused at Des' audacity and Des furthers this by being all macho and, "I need to know things and when you tell me you will never see me again."

He asks about Dan and Farraday's mother. At first, Widmore is "LOL I'm one of the biggest keepers of secrets on this show. You cannot be serious." But he relents and gives Des an address for Los Angeles. Ah, so when Ben visited her last week, he didn't even leave the city, let alone the country. Ah! Aha!

Widmore is all, "After you give her your message, hit the bricks. This is bigger than you. I don't want you getting Penny caught in the crossfire. This mess goes back many years. Don't involve yourself. Go away." This has added resonance for the audience as we know about how Ben wants to avenge Alex by death of Penny Widmore. Ah. Wheels within wheels.

Des is all, "Whatever, Daddy Warbucks" and splits.

So Locke strides into Other Camp like a badass and "Jones" is all "Back away. Slowly." Richard comes out and is all "Who are you?" Locke takes a breath and explains who he is. Richard is like, "So what?"

Locke: "Jacob sent me."

Richard is all OMG and tells "Jones" to put his rifle down. Jones does not. So Richard gets all in his face and is all, "I SAID, put the gun down, WIDMORE."

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F*# me.

Wait a minute. Revelations of this magnitude deserve a bit more totally nonsensical typing.

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Okay, so hey, guess what peeps?

Charles Widmore was an OTHER. That's right, Charles Widmore, father of Penny and Daddy Warbucks of Widmore Labs and Widmore Industries and Widmore Whatever Else and the owner of the Kahana, who wanted his men to KILL EVERY LIVING THING ON THE ISLAND, was an Other.

Suck that!

Holy revelatory revelations of mythological importance and crucial-ness, Batman!

So anyways, Locke is all, "Groan LOL seriously, your name is Widmore? Charles Widmore?"

The look on Richard's face is half, "How does he know that?" and half, "Hhhhmmmm" and Young!Widmore, who actually when he was younger had a serious chip on his shoulder and bug up his arse is all, "What's it to you?"

The bemused/amused look on Terry O'Quinn's face is priceless, "It means nothing to me at all."

=

Of course Locke knows exactly who Widmore is and is perhaps better placed than any other Lostie to share in the audience's confounded bedazzlement OMG w00ting than anyone else on this show.

Well played, Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof, well played.

So Desmond rocks back up to his boat where Penny is being totally cute and lovable and reading Baby Hume a story. They're all tentative "Hi's" and baby Hume apparently wanted to go fishing in the Thames. CUTE.

So Des totally lies his ass off and says that Farraday's mother is dead.

And here is where Sonia Walger totally impresses my ass off with her acting ability and range when she looks at Desmond and is all, "Why are you lying?" I love Sonia Walger.

So Des is all, "Pffft. I have zero idea what you are talking about." Penny is about to break his balls and Des relents and tells her the elusive mother is in Los Angeles. Penny is pissed. But Des is all, "I'm done with this shit. I'm totally here with you now."

And holy shitface revelation like, Number 5 for this episode is OMG Baby Hume/Widmore is CALLED CHARLIE. This is totally SWEET and SWEET both in the sense that it is kewlness personified and SWEET in the sense that it rocks and SWEET in the sense that it is poignant and emotional and emotionally fulfilling in that it was through Charlie's sacrifice that Penny and Des finally found each other again.

*Side-note: Some fans are all, "But Penny's father is called Charles. They named the baby after him." Uh… no. His name is the more formal CHARLES. And hey, why would Des name his baby after his arch-nemesis. Also, Penny has no love lost for the man either. So, silly fans, get a grip.

Anyways, after my shameless w00ting and jumping for joy at this fortuitous revelation, Des is all, "I won't leave you again" and Penny is about to cry and I'm about to cry and the music is soaring and so awesome as it always is on Lost and Penny is all, "You'll never let it go. So we will go with you."

Back on Craphole, Locke has explained everything to Richard who is all, "Be kind; rewind." Richard is all, "I'm not telling you how to leave the island. You can't have this information. Suck that." Richard is then all, "You're our leader? LOL srsly?"

Richard exposits the exact year. 1954. So in two years Locke will be born. That's a mind-bender. And Locke is all, "You visited me when I was prematurely born at only six months and you creepily stared at me in the incubator. I've already watched that episode so I know it happens." And then the beginning of the next FLASHY FLASH revs up and OMG Locke just totally set his own destiny in stone by getting him (Richard) to visit him as a baby and therefore, pre-determining the entire fate of his own existence. OMG MOMENTOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!GLIGB UKE(()Fnsrgifg a0ng\

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So we all go FLASHY MCFLASH NESS OF FLASHY TOWN.

Camp Other is gone. Sawyer and Juliet check each other out and Juliet SEEMS a little woozy, though I may just have imagined that. Charlotte and Miles check each other out and poor Miles is left with no one to ask if he is all right. But he is, by the way. Poor Miles.

So the six of them all gather together and then I get really sad because Charlotte begins STAGGERING AROUND and gets a humdinger of a GUSHING BLOOD NOSE and OMG TOTALLY FALLS INTO UNCONSCIOUSNESS. Poor Dan cradles her in his arms as we go

BANG END OF LOST = BAD ROBOT.

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