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A former minor, furious at the accidental destruction of his homeworld of Romulus and desperate for revenge, has emerged back in time over a hundred years prior to the event he is seeking revenge for and 25 years prior to the man he is seeking revenge on, Vulcan Ambassador to Romulus Spock. He's returned in time to an interesting point in time- the day Jim Kirk, Earth's greatest hero, was born.

Disclaimer: I'm doing my best to keep this review with as few spoilers as possible, but it is NOT spoiler free. There are few explicit spoilers, but there are NO warnings on them or on possible spoilers.

"Where no man has gone..." no, wait, we've sort of been here before, I guess. Was it "a long, long time ago in a galaxy..." No, wait, this is our galaxy. And it's the future. Isn't it?

This is the paradox that is Sci-Fi. Forget time-travelling ambassadors. No, this is people on 21st-century Earth, used to gazing upon 24th-century Terrans, taking a look at the supposedly familiar 23rd century Earth. That's how I felt watching this. Unfortunately, at least to me, this had more the feel of a remake than a sequel. If we had just a little more of a look through Spock's eyes, or maybe even Nero's, this might be different. Instead, it was like a remake introducing a different, yet similarly powered, enemy than the first. I suppose I can't be too picky... it's 2009, and film makers are only interested in making films that have already sold millions of dollars' worth in the past.

But enough, uh, not nostalgia, and let's get on with the movie. We start off with an impressive display of effects. I already knew some of the backstory, so I knew what the giant ship was and my first thought was "somebody's breaking the Prime Directive..." Then we get some characters we don't know, with a name drop that we do. I know what that sounds like, and you're exactly right. This is one of those films that tries so hard not to break the Fourth Wall that they do so terribly. If this was a comic, character names would quite frequently be not only in bold, but in big, blocky red text, possibly even with 3D effects and a shadow. In the midst of this, I may be completely wrong, but I'm pretty sure we never got the name of who was supposed to be the most important character in the first part. "As you command, Captain... ah, what the hell. You're not even in the rest of the movie, why should I say your name in front of the camera when it's obvious that my name is more important."

The opening scene concludes, bringing us some impressive visuals- unfortunately, some of the most impressive of the movie, but they're pretty damned good so that's forgiven- some surprisingly powerful emotion- same comment as the visuals- and an event that changes Star Trek continuity forever- if Trek continuity didn't already have a built-in failsafe to allow for an infinite number of canons, even going so far as to remind us of this during the movie. Why do that if we don't get to see a new Tiberius? Seriously, that would be badass. He would destroy everything. Instead, epic fail.

Do I know the meaning of brevity? Ten minutes into the movie and I've got four paragraphs. Oh, well. Now we move onto... well, still not the present. In fact, the next time frame is completely irrelevant to the movie- it's entirely character based. I'm of mixed feelings about its inclusion only because I usually prefer each scene to serve both purposes. Don't get me wrong, I love character scenes like this, but I would have liked just something about the scene with Kirk in the trailer to be relevant in terms of the plot- this whole scene could have been cut and we wouldn't know any less about the character, and the plot wouldn't have any difficulties advancing either. We get a little scene with Spock, basically showing us the difference between Roddenham's view of the character and Abrams's, and a little quote to be used for a lesser emotional scene later on. I'm seriously picking this apart, because I did enjoy the movie- but I'm also a stickler for details and a huge genre fan, so the full force of my wrath comes down on this movie.

Finally, we get to the present. Which is, as everybody who knows the name Star Trek should expect, James Tiberius Kirk hitting on a woman, and getting into a fight. I'm not spoiling anything, am I? If I am, you're watching the wrong movie. Anyway, there is a surprise in this scene, at least for hardcore fans. I'll leave you to guess at that one, but it involves who wins and who loses. There's a nice tidbit here for fans of the Trek Expanded Universe- they tease us with the idea of Uhura's last name for almost the entire movie, knowing that the hardcore fans will be on the edges of their seats waiting to love or hate J.J. Abrams for that one reason. I'm not spoiling it here, though.

There's an interesting scene which really lays out who Kirk is. It tells us everything that the scene I've already deleted in my mind does, as well as who the character was to begin with (some qualities fans of TOS will recognize) in terms of his talents, values, etc. There's a classic "I only want the reward- wait, maybe I'll save you from Vader" scene that, again, should surprise no one. I'm starting to realize what people mean when they say this movie was predictable- I suppose most really good movies are if you try. It's the few surprises that usually makes it worth it, while here, I think it's more about the presentation than anything else. Here, we're introduced to Doctor McCoy in a clip that many people believed when it was released is a perfect example of how to perform somebody else's character excellently. In fact, both Chris Pine and Karl Urban join Ewan McGreggor (who borrowed Obi-Wan Kenobi from Sir Alec Guiness for three films) in the prestigious list of people I've seen perform this job excellently. Just listen to Pine say "God dammit!", and you'll see what I mean. Zachary Quinto... well, he does an okay Spock, but he's just too intense for me. I do understand how this might appeal more to modern movie goers, but I always loved the old Spock.

While I'm on the topic, I might as well stop the play by play before I end up writing a novelization. I have to say I was disappointed by Leonard Nimoy. I'm not sure why, I guess it's just that his appearance didn't synch in my mind with what I envision when I read the novels- an older, diplomatic version of the Spock from Star Trek: The Voyage Home. He wasn't bad, per se, I just wasn't feeling him. Maybe because he never said "Jim". Still, I loved some of the scenes with him (my vagueness is even getting on my nerves, but I'm still mastering the art of spoiler free reviews), but I love the way he displayed the blended human and Vulcan values the post-A (as in Enterprise-A, the one from the films) Spock is famous for. I would guess the only acting left to comment on is Nero... but I don't really have a comment. He was not really remarkable. Everybody else was pretty much un-mentionable support cast. Zoe Saldana was decent, but certainly not up to the standards that her role in the movie (more important than McCoy and more featured than Spock Prime) would indicate, or at least, not as memorable.

The villain of Nero was a powerful aspect in the feel of this film. He was a new villain, pretty much unheard of and created by a spontaneous event, in his first evil venture, and most likely his last, threatening everything... you know how it is. It felt like a character who would appear in a Superman movie that new fans would be like "he was badass, but a lame villain" and the comic fans would be like "that's not what the character's like! He had deep motivations, long term planning, and was a recurring villain!" That's the whole feeling surrounding Nero and his anonymous, throw-away crew.

I don't want to go back to the play by play, but there's one more part of the movie that I want to go into in detail. And that is Hoth. I mean, uh, Delta Vega. First off, it's because Spock is completely mischaracterized here. Yes, he has emotional conflicts, but that doesn't change the fact that he's from a pacifist people, dealing with an ally, and surrounded by civilized people who don't mindlessly follow orders. That sat odd with me pretty much the whole time Kirk was off the ship. Then, Luke- I mean, Kirk, got attacked by a wampa- or was it a rancor- which was eaten by a Tyrannosaurus- or was it a Queen Predator Xenomorph? Obi-Wan fought off the Tuskens with a krayt dragon call... goddammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a Jedi!

Um, so where was I? Ah, yes, Spock and Kirk. They talk, Spock is awesome, Kirk is Kirk. Then we meet a Nikto midget and Scotty. Played by Simon Pegg, he's a far cry from the Montgomery Scott. The fact that he's in a completely different position than anything the Original Series seems to be able to explain doesn't seem to matter, though I suppose that makes it as easy to accept the changes in his characterization as those in Kirk's. Meh, maybe. I'm still uncertain as to this, and the scene that takes place after their return to the Enterprise... would have been much better if it were a cheesy 1960s TV episode. Sorry, Abrams.

What more is left to say? I suppose I should go over my reaction to the ending, but I didn't really have one. Predictable? Pretty much. Ho-hum? Possibly. I got a laugh at Spock being awesome, but it was tempered by Quinto Spock. I don't mean to hate on the guy, and I'm sure a lot of fans loved it, but he just didn't do it for me. Kirk got into more fights than the first two (or three?) Star Trek films combined, and he was pretty awesome. I missed a few things, let's see- Chekov was even more of a parodied, laughable Russian in this than the others, but they did give him some touches of humanity and reminded us he was a member of the most badass crew in history. Sulu... they didn't do as much justice to. Which reminds me- apparently, in the 23rd century, fencing is actually some badass Japanese style I wouldn't be able to name if I looekd it up. My point is, that's not fencing, at least that anybody who's done it could recognize.

There were some nice tidbits in the movie, which I'm ashamed to say I missed. Most people saw these on second and third viewings, but I went in aware and still missed it. Epic fail. I'm not listing them here, except to say that I do not know what a Tribble looks like.

Overall, this was a pretty entertaining movie. Certainly nothing revolutionary, but it was great fun. I disagree with people who say it captured the feel of the Original Series, but I would say it had a similar feel to the films, or a cross between TOS and The Next Generation. There were one or two failed visuals, but for the most part, they were excellent. This is Sci-Fi CGI, and it serves its purpose. I expected this part to blow me away with mediocrity, despite warnings from friends, so I'm glad to say I was "disappointed". All in all, I give Star Trek: We Named This Like Rocky Balboa and Rambo a 9/10. Go see it.

Sorry, I used this review on three sites. I'm trying to get into the swing of doing everything spoiler free from now on, as well.

And Rev, one thing you need to get used to if you talk to me a lot- and you're certainly not the only one- if I don't care about something, I'll usually say "meh" and walk away. If it's horrible, it'll get a short review pointing out the flaws. If I like it okay, 7/10, I'll give it about half flaws and half good points.

My point is, when I find something I really like, I tear it apart. I go into everything that could possibly make this movie better, or simply be nit-picked, because it's that good. I'm a critic at heart, in that I've always instinctively found things that I feel could be improved, and bring them out; I'm not as good at pointing out specifics when it comes to things that are already good.

Also, I have a feeling some things I pointed out as neutral points were understood by readers as negatives, cuz without rereading it, I really don't think I wrote that negative of a review.