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Oh my darling, oh my darling, oh my daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarling Clementine OR MNA does Whatever Happened, Happened

So this week we are treated to a deep voiced Previously On Lost which recaps various things like how Sawyer had that daughter named Clementine whose mother came from Albuquerque (which is really a mouthful) and how Sayid engaged assassin mode and shot Young!Ben, and how Kate is looking after Aaron and how poor Mrs Littleton must think the Oceanic 6 are totally messed up psychos based on how they break down in her motel room and other stuff which will be pertinent because this episode brings together a massive fanfest of plotlines and gives MNA fangasms on all the glorious character revelations and moments.

ANYWAY

So Jin wakes up after being judo chopped by Sayid to Phil's incessant Wet Blanket voice on his walkie all "The Hostile is loose! This is not a drill!" but Jin is all "Duh" and ignores Phil to get Young!Ben and zoom back to Dharmaville.

Speaking of, Horace is taking charge like only a long-haired hippy can and is being painfully obvious about explaining the whole incident "The Hostile had help by way of someone letting him out and torching this van and totally firebombing our cottages." Jack pipes up with a smartness that totally outsmarts Horace. Horace does not approve and totally dresses Jack down in front of most of Dharmville's population by speaking to him in a voice that you use when you are speaking to someone you think is a douche and lower down society's ladder than you are.

Jack is not amused, but is secure in the knowledge that he is more masculine and wise than Horace.

So Kate is apparently just hanging and chilling at the back of the crowd doing absolutely nothing at all to help the clean-up. This means that Roger Workman can approach her and totally enlist her hot ass to help him get the firebombed van out of the firebombed cottage.

Apparently Roger Workman gets around enough that he knows Kate got plunked in the motor pool, but he has a big cases of LOL when Kate reveals she doesn't know squat about engines and shit, and Roger empathises since he is just a janitor, and as we all know, Roger Workman hates being a Workman.

Young!Ben's bruised face and body can attest to that.

So Workman intros himself to Kate and she pulls a face that says, "Wacky time hijacks ensue as I meet my mortal enemy's daddy by way of time travel." But she acts all polite and shakes his hand, covering the fact she wants to vomit and/or run away.

So Jin zooms up with a mortally wounded Young!Ben, and Roger Workman, stating the obvious "That's my kid!" runs off to buzz around like a fly while people try to save the boy's life. Oh, so NOW you care, Roger Workman. Too little, too late, I say!

So anyways we flashback (or I suppose, technically, flash FORWARD even though to our perspective it's a flashback) to 2005 when IMPOSSIBLY CUTE AARON RETURNS and is just a wee baby. MNA approves of this flashback/forwardy time jump.

So Kate is cooing and caaing and getting Aaron out of his car capsule and rocks up to some house in the 'burbs. BTW, IPA is TOTALLY CUTE. MNA approves of this chance for him to be clucky.

So Kate is totally singing to Aaron and she is singing "Catch a Falling Star." Holy shit on stick, what a coincidence as that it TOTALLY THE SAME SONG CLAIRE USED TO SING TO HIM. HOLY COINCIDENCES, BATMAN!

So Kate is all singing tra laa laa and rings the doorbell.

Guess who?

It's totally Cassidy Phillips, Sawyer's BabyMoma! Guess we know exactly what Sawyer whispered in Kate's ear when he sacrificially jumped outta that helicopter.

So we're all about the surprise of Cassidy, but she mentions she totally brought street cred with her friends by telling them she knew Kate when they all saw the return of the O6 on the news. Way to profit off of someone else's hardships there, Cassidy!

So Kate is all, "I am here on behalf of Sawyer." Cassidy does not appear amused.

SWIRLY LOST TITLE

So Cassidy is actually very pissed at Sawyer, and is all, "So that rotten bastard is still alive" and Kate is all, "Whoa, someone has PMS today!" and Kate explains that Sawyer said where to find them, and that she came with some moolah. Cassidy is having none of this and is swearing up a storm and I'm all, "I hope you don't kiss Sawyer's daughter with that mouth" and Kate is all, "He wanted me to come for Clementine" and Cassidy is all, "STFU, Sawyer is an a-grade asshole. And a deadbeat dad."

Kate - who is wearing a totally unflattering hairstyle of annoyance in this scene - keeps protesting "Don't shoot the messenger" but then turns it into more of a "Quit ragging on my sex friend, okay!" and Cassidy is all, "Well, why didn't he come back with the rest of you?" because by this stage, Kate has given Cassidy the bare bones Lost recap up to this point.

So Kate is all, "There was this thing and we were running outta gas and Sawyer whispered sweet nothings in my ear and then he gave up his way home so the rest of us could come back and be miserable. Except for me, 'cause I have my stolen baby."

So Cassidy is all, "What an a-grade asshole. And a deadbeat dad. He just did that so he could get away from you."

And Kate is like, "Do you hate the universe that much?" and sticks up for Sawyer and Cassidy is all, "He left me to raise a daughter by myself. Come back when you wake up to yourself." And Kate has actually brought her own money from the Oceanic settlement for Clementine, and that is true love right there.

So Cassidy switches tracks to discuss Aaron, and because she is like the Oracle, she totally figures out that Aaron is not Kate's son. Kate is all, "I think, therefore I lie."

Back on Craphole, Sawyer is channel surfing the cameras looking for Sayid. Sayid has totally Jungle Skillzed his way into a cloaking device or something because he ain't there.

Kate rocks up demanding answers because she's Kate and then Horace turns up and gets uber-suspicious. Kate beats a hasty retreat and Horace gets all lippy with Sawyer. Sawyer out-masculines Horace, but Horace suspects that n00b Jack may have let Sayid loose.

Sawyer is all, "I'll talk to him" and snatches Miles to help, but Sawyer rocks up to Roger Workman, who is fretting about Young!Ben. Sawyer knows that Young!Ben let Sayid out, and proves it to Workman with some sneaky con artist skillz.

So Juliet is acting out Grey's Anatomy in the 70s by trying to save Young!Ben's life. Sawyer rocks up sporting a surgical mask, but the look on his face is more comically looking like someone farted and he is trying to keep the smell away from his nose.

So Juliet is all, "Stat!" and "Anaphylactic shock!" and shit, and then reveals their actual real doctor is slumming it at the Looking Glass. Juliet is stressed as she is only a fertility doctor, and they need a proper medical surgeon.

Sawyer has a light bulb go off.

So Miles has Jack, Kate and Hurley holed up in someone's cottage, and Jack is totally pissed that Sawyer is throwing his weight around and that he has to be bossed around by his frenemy. Kate is all, "Chill, Sawyer's just doing his job" but as we all know, Jack and Sawyer lead them differently and their styles clash, so Jack is like a petulant five year old when another five year old has pushed him out of the way so he can get to the swings first.

So Hurley is totally having a staring contest with his fingers and this annoys Miles. But Hurley is actually trying to see if he is disappearing, because he subscribes to the Back to the Future laws of time travel. LULZ TO THE MAX. Bu Miles subscribes to Faraday's "Time is set in stone" Terminator-ish theorem and the two get into this geek-pleasing debate on the physics, laws and permutations of time travel lore. Get ready for a warp factor 9 headache, bitches!

So Hurley is all, "We've changed stuff, and since Ben is gonna croak, we will fade away because Adult!Ben made us come back."

Miles is all, "You are an idiot. Sayid always kamikazed Young!Ben because that always happened."

And there's more and its funny, but you get the drift, so Kate and Jack are sitting the corner all, "Whatever." I bet they subscribe to the Star Trek Time Travel Theory in which anything at all can happen. You can change time, it can stay the same, or you can change it but it will still be the same depending on whether or not you've gone back in time for a reason or not and time travel gives Captain Janeway a headache anyways, so whatever theory.

So then Sawyer blusters his way through teh door and is all, "Get with me, Doc. Young!Linus needs you to fix him. It's what you do. Fix things."

And Jack is all pouty lipped and "Suck it, LaFluer! Now you want something from me? This is me making a grandiose point of sticking my middle finger in your face and refusing to help just to be a stubborn five year old. Go suck a fart!"

And everyone is aghast and perturbed that Jack so nonchalantly is willing to let a boy die. Even if the boy grows up to be a manipulative, murderous evil little bitch, he is NOT that manipulative, murderous evil little bitch yet.

So everyone is all GASP and Jack is all arms crossed and, "That's my speech, assholes."

And no amount of winsome looks from Kate can change his mind either. Gee, the "man of faith" Jack is also quite a selfish prig, isn't he?

So Kate thinks she can eavesdrop on Sawyer talking to Workman across the village square, but she can't lipread, so it sucks to be her.

So Jack is all, "This has already happened. In three decades, Ben will manipulate our asses and make us feel like crap and then Ben will make me save him by manipulating you and Sawyer and you will love me and Sawyer at the same time and this Love Triangle will be Ben's playground. I'm not going there again."

And Kate totally rags on "man of faith" Jack and pines after "man of science" Jack and Jack is like, "You didn't like me then either." And I kind of get a little confused as to what he means here. Does he believe Kate never liked him at all?

Or when he says, "You never liked me then either," does he mean to say, "You didn't like me then either. You LOVED ME then." So yeah, use clarity next time, Jack.

So Kate rocks up to the infirmary and is all, "I have O-Type blood. I can help save Ben. Yay!"

And Juliet knows that Jack refused to help and that something went down between Jack and Kate and Kate is all blasé and, "Yeah we were engaged." Juliet is all AWKWARD but then she did ask, so its her fault.

And then Workman pounces in and Workman is all, "I'm not waiting outside!" which I suppose is a good claim as he is Ben's dad and Kate is all, "He can sit with me." Awwww. So Workman thinks he's in deep shit as Young!Ben stole his keys and he's such a deadbeat dad and wah wah suck to be me.

So he asks if Kate has kids, and she has this long pause and is all, "…No" because she has no reason to lie to Roger Linus. And then he infodumps how Mrs Linus died on Ben's birth, and how he's such a deadbeat dad. And then Ben crashes and Workman is kicked the hell outta there by Juliet.

So Hurley is acting like one of those dumbasses that don't understand something no matter how many times you EXPLAIN. IT. LIKE. THIS. AND. SO. REPETITIVELY and Miles is grinding his teeth at how vexing it all is, and we've all been there Miles. We sympathise. And Hurley is being SO OBTUSE TODAY and I guess this is the writers way of explaining to the more… temporally challenged members of the audience how Lost is doing time travel.

So I have to sit through this explanation no matter how funny it is made to be by Miles and Hurley while those members of the audience catch up.

But then Hurley trumps Miles (apparently) by being all, "Well, how come Ben doesn't remember Sayid and us in thirty years when we crash here the first time" and Miles is all, "…" and Hurley is all, "AHA I BEAT YOU" but I actually secretly suspect the writers have also already though of this, given that, you know, they just and Hurley and Miles discuss it here in this scene.

So Juliet is all sad and mopey that even though she he stabilised Ben, she has not "fixed him." So Kate is all "What about the sub?" but it won't be back for a couple of weeks, and right now if Jack were actually a superhero who was NOT selfish, this would be his call to action. Like if Juliet and Kate were these damsels in distress and be all hand wringing and "OMG Young!Ben will die! OMG He needs someone to FIX HIM!" and Jack's supersonic superhero hearing would hear this and he would be all, "Mr Fix-It TO THE RESCUE! Scalpels AWAY!" and he would be there in a jiffy, but he is not a superhero and he is selfish and Kate and Juliet are not damsels in distress, and so Juliet has an idea, but it is unorthodox and it could screw them all over, because that idea is to….

GET HELP FROM THE OTHERS.

Scary creepy Violin Music of Impending Doom awaits!

So Juliet and Kate totally sneak Young!Ben away into a Dharmamobile, and then Juliet has to stay because her absence would arouse suspicion and Kate doesn't want to destroy Juliet's life with Sawyer and its all manner of heartwarming that Juliet and Kate are no longer enemies or even frenemies. THEY ARE FRIENDS. MNA PRAISES THE LORD ABOVE. HALLEUJIAH! Because MNA approves of Kate and Juliet as friends. Only good things can come from this.

So we flashback to the marina where Kate totally chucks a wobbly at Jack and tells everyone they are crazy and then she zooms off, but THE SCENE CUTS OUT BEFORE SHE COMMITS TO HER EPIC WHEELY. MNA is not amused at this lack of epic wheelie. This is Kate's episode damnit, so she should have been allowed to replay that wheelie one more time!

So then we find out what happens to Kate after the big gathering in the marina. Aaron, who eventually wakes up through sleeping through Aunty Sun's almost assassination on Ben, to Sayid being all hardcore, to Kate's EPIC WHEELIE, wants a drink. Hey, thought, maybe it was Kate's wheelie that woke him up.

So anyways, they hotfoot it to a supermarket, and Kate has to ask where they keep their juice. So she is all hurry hurry but then Doctor Jack rings her on her cell. Kate is not amused and cancels the call. But she had to let go of Aaron's hand to do so, and now he is not there.

So, hi Kate, welcome to being a mother. Kids will ALWAYS run away at the supermarket. There's toys and lollies and all manner of pretty things.

So anyways, Kate backtracks to the grocery assistant she had just approached asking about the juice and he is all, "What son?"

WHAT A DOUCHEBAG. This guy gives a bad man to all supermarket staff in the history of supermarket staff. Dude, if Evangeline Lilly asked me for something when I was at work in my supermarket and she had an impossibly cute toddler with her and then she came back THIRTY SECONDS LATER without said cute toddler, I would be all, "OMG Where is your impossibly cute son? Let's go look together!"

What a stupid douche.

Kate walks off after giving the attendant a look hat says, "You're an idiot. I'm never shopping here again."

But anyways, Aaron is actually walking off holding hands with this woman who from behind looks startlingly like Claire. Which is I think what Kate also thinks for a split second.

But this woman is not Claire. Nevertheless, she is really kind and she found Aaron near the fruit (which means Aaron is a totally health-oriented young boy and so YAY!) and was bringing him to the service desk so they could make an announcement. And this woman seems to be really kind and I like her, she has the aura of someone who is kind, and I really wish we had more people like her in the world and I want customers that are friendly and awesome like her.

So anyways, Kate zooms right up to the SuperSonic Fence of Earsplitting Horror and Young!Ben is hacking up blood and asking Kate to apologise to his dad for him and then Sawyer rocks up. Kate is all, "I know you have to stop me, but I need to save his life anyways, like they try to do in that Fray song, but they are all too late, and I don't want to be."

But Sawyer is all Superhero like Jack never was and is all, "I'm here to help!"

So in 2008, we see that Kate and Aaron have been visiting Clementine and Cassidy pseudo-regularly (or just plain regularly) as Clementine (now three and a bit) refers to Kate as "Aunty Kate" and her and Aaron play together and its all very awesome and MNA gets even more clucky at this turn of events. That Sawyer's daughter would call Kate "Aunty" is just ten times beyond awesome and all manner of kewl.

So Oracle Cassidy is all, "They want to go back? What nut jobs" and Kate is all, "I hear you sister." And then Cassidy badmouths Jack a little because she apparently has a licence to crap all over the male members of the cast.

But then Kate tells Cassidy about their supermarket experience, but Kate had this feeling that "It was about time" that someone had taken Aaron. Oracle Sensei Cassidy is all, "That's because you took him." But Kate is all about trying to rationalise that Claire was MIA and Aaron shouldn't have had to remain on Craphole, and then Oracle Yoda Cassidy is all, "Its because Sawyer broke your heart. And Aaron fixed it."

Geez, that Cassidy sure does see things clearly doesn't she? Let's see how pithy her insights are when she's been chased by Smokey, or shot at with flaming arrows, or pushing a button every 108 minutes, or been stalked by creepy Ethan Rom. It's easy when you're on the safe side of the fence, isn't it, Cassidy?

So in '77, Sawyer is all, "I'll all about helping you as Juliet made a very good point about how even though Ben will totally take a crap all over us when he grows up, Juliet says that now Ben is just a boy and we have to help him because he is just a boy. That way we can show the universe just how much better people we are compared to Adult!Ben. So I'm doing this for her." And Kate is all slightly saddened, but also enthused because Sawyer and Juliet are awesome and they're all enlightened people together.

So then Juliet BARGES HER HOT SELF INTO THE COTTAGE where everyone is chilling and is all, "I'm a WHOLE LOTTA WOMAN! Where is Shepherd?" and Miles and Hurley are both pissing their pants and whimpering like cowed puppy dogs at the badassery Juliet is currently packing.

So they're all stammery and "He's in the shower. Has he been bad? Are you gonna punish him?"

But Juliet is too hardcore in this moment to care, so she is all about barging into the bathroom and is even too hardcore to tell them to keep their fantasies to themselves.

So Jack is all about using all of Dharmaville's hot water supply as he is now not the leader no more and is all about being liberated now that his conscience is clean and he has no responsibilities.

So he's all hanging and chilling and finally gets out of the shower. BUT JULIET IS ALREADY THERE!!!!!!!!!!! LULZ LULZ LULZ LULZ

Jack, to his credit, doesn't shout something along the lines of, "GET OUT OF HERE I'M NAKED" nor does he offer for her to strip as well, but Juliet's look of intense ball-busting fury kinda puts a damper on anything he may be thinking of saying. So Juliet is all not even going to look at his manhood which is right in front of her, and I am sure women everywhere watching this want her kind of willpower.

So now its awesome because both Juliet AND Kate and both seen Jack AND Sawyer naked, so now both the ladies with their newfound friendship can get together and make fun of the guys and effortlessly break up any future pissing contests because they can discuss size and make quips about the guys' manhood and whatnot.

So anyways, Jack quickly wraps a towel around him, I think partly to hide the tent pole currently being erected under there and also because he may be slightly afraid that Sawyer may make a mess of his face over this. BTW, I'm sure many viewers were all about making jokes about how Matthew Fox totally brought the Foxxxxxxxxy to this scene and so forth, so I won't go there.

ANYWAY anyway anyway, Elizabeth Mitchell and Matthew Fox totally act the goddamn hell out of this scene and then take this scene's head and slam it in a car door a few times and then kick this scene in the kidneys a few times for good measure. That's how awesome they are. That's how awesome this scene is. And I am glad that after so long, we now have the opportunity for these two to act together again. They rock, and not to take anything away from Mitchell and Holloway acting together, but now that (most of) the gang are all back together again, we can be treated to all of these actor/character dynamics again.

So anyway, Juliet emotes about how she needed Jack and he was being a Jackass by letting Young!Ben just die, and how he broke all manner of his Hippocratic Oath and shit, and Jack neglects to tell her he got his ass fired, and I think Juliet is also in some part of her heart ragging on Jack that he went off and got engaged to Kate even though she and Sawyer are all happy families and aren't people complicated creatures?

So Jack flexes his tattoo at Juliet a little and then puts on this sopping wet shirt and that's not very smart and then he's all nonchalant some more and Juliet emotes some more and then Jack gets pissy that Kate and Sawyer are off helping Ben.

Note how Jack and Kate have totally reversed roles and now Kate is all about being selfless whereas Jack is all about being a selfish bitch and how they've swapped roles since where they were when we met them. Lost, you're awesome.

So Jack is all, "Don't give me that! I came back here because I care. I came back to save you!" And Juliet counters with a "STFU. *I* didn't need saving. You came back for you."

And MNA gives this scene a huuuuuge embrace as it is awesome and then Jack is all, "I came back because I was supposed to." And Juliet is all, "Why?" but Jack doesn't know yet and Juliet slams the door in his face because that answer is not good enough.

So Sawyer and Kate are catching up and Kate is all, "I totally gave moolah to your daughter and struck up a friendship with your BabyMomma" and Sawyer gets paternal - but also slightly embarrassed and trying to hide it with his nonchalant masculinity - and Kate informs him of how Clementine has his smile and his attitude and is all manner of cute.

So Sawyer reckons he would've sucked ass as a dad and as Kate's boyfriend, and Kate gives a biting, "You made it work with Juliet" but Sawyer explains that that is because he was forced to grow up when the O6 split, and he had to become a leader.

So the Others choose to be annoying and drop in at this particular character revelatory discussion.

And the leader of this group has a real honky tonk accent, but Sawyer's Southern drawl totally trumps this nameless Other's inflection and Sawyer utilises it with great prowess as he demands they take him to Alpert.

So just days before Kate returns to the island (actually I think it IS the day before) she rocks up to the motel where Carole Littleton is hanging around at to collect her Oceanic settlement after she sued their asses or whatever it was that happened.

Understandably, she's all confused as to why Kate is there. Claire's mother is not impressed, given that Jack turned up the previous night and was all skitz and raving about someone named Aaron.

Kate just totally dumps it on her: "Aaron is your grandson. And your daughter is actually alive." Way to break the ice, Kate.

So Mrs Littleton has just been totally pwzzzzned, and so Kate proceeds to info dump some more about how they left Claire behind because she was all MIA and how Kate took Aaron because she needed him and I actually give Kate kudos because she refers to everyone they left behind and she actually says, "We just left them there." This is the first time one of the O6 recognises the fact that this is actually exactly what they did, they just pissed off and didn't really try to help anyone else.

So anyways, Kate reveals to Carole that she has told Aaron that she (Mrs Littleton) is his grandmother and that she will be looking after him while Kate goes away. She also has this photo and totally proceeds to gush over Aaron to Carole and you can see that Carole is looking at the photo and getting floored at how much her grandson looks like Claire and its all manner of poignant and emotional and cry-worthy and I admit I choked up.

And so Carole is just managing to take all this in and wants to know where Kate is vamoosing to. And Kate is all, "I'm going back to the island." And Carole asks her why. And this is when we finally get Kate's reason: She is going back to find Claire and bring her home for Aaron.

Askadbloopyfad kjhgds tg 97086er9q t kdjsfh 9peyt-9 kallywatsitsoobersis + hfgiu uy iusrut sry8t yey7ey = Shadoopydoopdoowhapshamlambamboom

And as Kate says goodbye to Aaron the Oceanic Six Music Theme swells and its all grandiose and Kate is returning to the island that brought her so much misery for the sake of those she loves. She is going back for Claire. And she is going back for Aaron. Kate has now become totally selfless. And this is awesome. And Kate is all crying and I'm all crying and Aaron is sleeping and its totally sad and Kate leaves.

So this merry band of Others are hauling ass (well, not really, they're kind of meandering) to Richard, who is extre-he-heeeeeeemly interested in Ben. Aw, Richard is all gushy because Ben wants to join their group. At least when Ben wakes up he won't get another look at Richard in his AR-MATEY pirate outfit as now Richard is all looking like he's in the 1970s.

So Richard is all, "If I help Ben, his innocence will be gone and he won't remember how he came to us." And that's all totally ambiguous and vague, so why don't you go and apply some more eyeliner and then get to us on the specifics, eh, Richard?

So Richard gives Kate + Sawyer one last chance to think about it, but Kate is all, "No just save his life."

And its here that you think that hey, because Sayid shot Ben, and because Juliet couldn't save his life, and because Jack WOULDN'T, and because Sawyer and Kate have consciences, they all delivered Ben to the Others. And because they delivered him to the Others, Ben grew up and initiated the Purge, and took Alex from Danielle and tortured a whole bunch of peeps, and shot a whole bunch of peeps, and manipulated the asses off everyone he ever met and created angst for Jack, and Juliet, and Kate, Sawyer, Michael and basically EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON THIS SHOW.

That's temporal causality. And that's what you get for helping assholes when they were young. That's awesome.

So then the Other with the drawl is all, "Oh noes! This goes against everything I stand for! Whatever will Ellie say? And don't we need to tell Charles…"

And then Richard, sensing that the audience may actually get a bonus answer to a question we have regarding Widmore and Ms Hawking totally shuts his subordinate down quicker than you can say "electromagnetism" and is all huffy and "I don't answer to either of them." That's because Richard answers to the island. Or Jacob, or…. something.

So Kate is now concerned about what exactly Richard will be doing to an innocent Ben, but Sawyer knows that they have to split or Richard's largesse will fail.

And so they split.

And then Richard carries Ben and it all looks symbolic and shit, and Richard carries him off to THE TEMPLE, which in the late 70s, actually looks a lot better than it will a few years later in the 80s when Smokey totally goes to town on Montand and his arm.

But its still covered in vines and shit. I guess the Others aren't in to housekeeping and stuff.

So Richard walks up to the Temple, and then gives Ben a good old gander, and then turns away from the Temple so his back is to it, and although he could have been double checking to see if he had been followed, I think he mostly paused for Dramatic Effect.

And then he backs into some sort of Open Sesame door and pushes back against it and walks in, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand,…..

The audience just got PWZZZNED and punked, because that is all we get of that.

2008, Craphole Island… oh sorry, HYDRA ISLAND.

So Ben is still unconscious in the present thanks to Sun and her BADASSERY OUTRIGGER OAR OF EXCELLENCE.

And as we cut to a long shot of the scene, we see that the Ajira survivors have totally and shamelessly co-opted the Hydra and set up shop in their medical bay or whatever it is, and have put all their injured in beds like this is a hospital and they're all awesome medicos. So Ben is starting to stir and we are let in on the fact that Resurrected!Locke is sitting there totally ogling him.

So Ben groggily comes to, and I bet he's got a massive headache and is wishing that Sun would come back and knock him out some more just so he won't have to deal with his headache and then he comprehends that Locke is OMG resurrected and sitting there in front of him. So Ben's bug eyes totally leapfrog out of their sockets and he rises as quickly as he can.

And for once, Locke has it over on Ben as opposed to the other way around, and he gets this smug/all-knowing smile on his face and he's all, "Lulz, sux to be you. Hello Ben!"

And Ben is all, "Holy f**k is an understatement" and then Locke is all badass and not as kindly now, and he's all, "Welcome to the land of the living!"

OMG HOLY CRAP THIS FIGHT IS ON BANG END OF LOST

A little Smoke(y) inhalation can be bad for your health OR MNA does Dead is Dead

So our Previously on Lost (as always deep throated) recaps how Sayid Ramboed Young!Ben, and how Richard was all "If we save him, he'll lose his innocence and never be Peter Pan again!" and how Sun totally RENDERED BEN UNCONSCIOUS and how Resurrected Locke was all "Peekaboo!" with Ben and how Keamy viscously MUREDERED AWESOME ALEX and then also how he totally called Ben's bluff without blinking.

So in 1977, apparently the Others enjoy playing Prince of Arabia in the Tropics and go around riding horses like walking is so passé. So this long haired British Other goes galloping into Camp Other and totally shows off his horse-riding skillz. He gets in Richard's face and is all, "You brought one of them HERE! HOW DARE YOU! SACRILEGE!" but Richard totally blows him off by name-dropping Jacob as it was His will (Richard is a LIAR!) and how the island wanted it done (LIES LIES!).

So this totally shuts British Other up like a fist to the face, and he goes to see this Miracle Child for himself. So Young!Ben has apparently been physically healed (mostly anyways) and doesn't remember getting shot or how he got brought to Camp Other. Young!Ben almost has another coronary when he finds he'll have to go back to Deadbeat Daddy.

So British Other is all, "You should've died but the magical land of Oz healed you, and here in Fantasia, we're all special. I'm now going to gratuitously exploit you by letting you be an Other like all of us magical Middle-Earthlings, but you will have to return to Dharmaville as our SPY! Therefore, I gratuitously exploit you while giving you what you want."

So Young!Ben is apparently too young to get the drift and is all, "Wow! Who are you?"

Stiff upper lip British Other is all, "I'm Charles Widmore."

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah! That explains so much!

So hey, they do this neat thing where in 2008, they replay adult Ben waking up and totally getting punked by LOCKE! Lulz. So Ben is all covering his shock and utter pants crapping session by being all, "Its one thing to believe you will be resurrected, its another to SEE IT!" While this is a good point, its also a LIE by Ben, who actually thought he was done and done with Locke, AKA the Thorn in Ben's Side.

So Locke is all, "AHA! But why were you totally flooring it back to the main island?" And Ben is all, "To be judged! I SAY! THE LORD OF SALVATION SHALL RENDER ME SAVED!" And Locke is all, "Eh… for what?"

And Ben is all, "For my sins." Of which there are many and they are varied and they make quite a high stack, so take your pick.

Naturally, Locke wants to know how Ben will be judged. Ben takes a Needless Dramatic Pause and then intones with reverence (or maybe not so much as Ben isn't into reverence), "I believe you call it…. 'the monster.'" Actually, Ben, I believe Locke calls it the 'SMOKE monster' but I will let you off just this once for the sheer awesomeness of what you just said.

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SWIRLY LOST TITLE OF EERIENESS

So Ilana has taken over the Ajira survivor group like the Faux But Evil Ana-Lucia she is. She's totally standing back and letting the men do all the work like this is 1977 or something. Also, the men are moving this suspicious looking uber-metal crate. Hey, what gives? What's in there?

So anyway, Ben, who has for the moment ditched Locke (which is ironic because Ben clings to other people like the bad smell that WON'T go away) asks for the audience, "What's in there?" Ilana almost turns to the camera and LULZ at the audience before replying, "Something that needs to be moved."

Gah, why did you even ask Ben? I guess we can file this question away for the season finale.

So he's all "Have a nice day then" like he works in retail or something and then goes and steals a bottle of water outta someone's bag. Caesar walks up and is all, "How's it hangin' my friend?" because he's got nothing better to do and then both men totally gossip about Locke, who we now see is standing at the water's edge. So Caesar is all, "That bald dude said you killed him." Ben is all, "LULZ lulz. He looks fine to me. But hey…… I totally don't remember him from the plane! I'm now going to formulate a dastardly plot to manipulate you into killing Locke! And since you are so goddamn gullible, I have you eating out of the palm of my hand."

And Caesar is all, "I will fall for your manipulative psychology and I also have your back since we are now brothers in arms and all that jazz!" You can almost see a thought bubble forming above Ben's head like in the comics, proclaiming, "My PLAN IS WORKING!"

So in 1989 Michael Emerson had to get this really shitty looking hairstyle to make it look like he was younger so he could act in this flashback. Sorry, Mr Emerson, but that hairdo does NOTHING AT ALL positive for you. You know I think you're awesome all the time, but in this scene, your hair is not.

So anyways, Younger!Ben is chilling at night in the jungle with a teenage ETHAN ROM

And let us just jdhfi p y[9ry -e y at this for a moment.

We need an Ethan Rom flashback episode pronto! He's like, 12 now, but he's already an Other! Say what? And recall that this is BEFORE the Purge, so BEFORE his parents get gassed and chucked in a mass grave.

So anyways, Younger!Ben and teen Ethan are chilling in the jungle and Ethan is all gung-ho and "Let ME do it!" and Ben is all, "I'm the adult here, as evidenced by my shittacular hairdo! Plus, this is my flashback so get out of the limelight!"

We can tell Ethan is new to this whole Other thing, as he has NO JUNGLE SKILLZ whatsoever.

So the Dynamic Duo are spying on poor Danielle Rousseau in her shanty shack thing, and Ben sneaks up and cocks his gun. A baby cries. It's Alex. BEN SHITS HIS PANTS, which wakes Danielle and she cocks her gun back in return. There is much gun cocking. So Ben quickly gains the upper hand and snurches baby Alex, and he must be talented as he is still holding his gun and he picks Alex out of her shanty crib with ONE HAND. I don't know about the rest of you, but I wouldn't dare pick up a baby with only one hand.

So anyways, Ben threatens Danielle some and then is all, "You're lucky I'm letting you live. STFU. Oh, and if you hear any whispers, RUN THE OTHER WAY" which is kind of handy advice on Craphole and then Ben vamooses WITH BABY ALEX.

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So Ben is rummaging through his old Hydra office and oh there's a photo of him and Alex and Locke comes in and basically verbally trash talks to Ben. Locke is all, "Let's discuss the elephant in the room" and I'm all, "What, Ben's flashback hair?" but no, Locke means the more pertinent fact that Ben killed him.

So Ben concocts this lie/truth/half-truth/truth mixed in with lies that he does so well about how Locke's mission was to bring the O6 back (true) and how he knew he'd have to die to do that (true) and then how Ben stopped Locke killing himself (true). So Locke is all, "Then why stop me?" And Ben is all winging this (or maybe thought about it all day, I can't decide) and he's all, "Well you had critical information" which is a lie/half-truth and then Ben is all, "And then I knew if I brought you back here, it'd all be honky tonk." LIES.

So then Locke is all, "I just wanted an apology, not a lie upon lie upon lie."

And so then Locke and Ben rock up to take one of the remaining outriggers to Craphole and Caesar rocks up to throw his weight around just to annoy me.

So Caesar is all, "Since I have a gun and I want to throw my authority around, I'm going to blah blah blah, stop you, blah blah, come with me blah."

And then Locke is all, "Screw you" so Caesar goes to shoot him. But YOU"VE BEEN PUNKED because Ben stole your gun! LULZ TO THE MAX!

So Ben harnesses his inner fricken badassness , and then turns to Caesar and is all badass, "Looking for this?" and then he whips out Caesar's shotgun and BLAM HE TOTALLY AWESOMES THE GUN AND FRICKEN BLOWS A HOLE THROUGH CAESAR WHO IS BLASTED BACK LIKE THIS IS AN EPIC ACTION MOVIE.

BEN JUST GOT SOME BALLS, PEOPLE.

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I have to admit, I laughed out loud here at the sheer awesomeness of this moment.

So, anyways, after I paused the episode and marvelled at the coolness of this moment, I got back to things, and Ben aims at Caesar's red shirted flunkies and is all, "This gentleman and I are taking a boat. Questions, comments?" and the flunkies run away like they just became prison bitches. Michael Emerson just F**KED YOU UP, flunkies.

And then Ben adds to his badassery by being all, "That's my apology" to Locke.

You're welcome.

And then there's a continuous thing about how Locke keeps removing Christian's shoes and clicking them together three times and then putting them back on. It's a thing.

So Ben and Locke some time later row up to the Pala Ferry, and Ben is all, "Home swee home I guess" and he too like me notices the rampant destruction and general untidiness of the area. And for those keeping score, this is another new unanswered question brought up by the recent slew of episodes.

Locke notices Sun and Frank's outrigger, which leads Ben to bitch about being beaten by a girl, which makes Locke LOL and the audience marvel once again how Sun's badassery eclipses the combined badassery of everyone else on this show combined. Except maybe Sayid. I think she ties with Sayid.

Locke mentions Ben's bung arm, but he's all, "No someone else hurt my arm." This leads Locke to poke fun at Ben's predilection for not making friends, to which Ben is all, "Friends betray you! Manipulation is forever!" and then they segue again into the monster judging Ben. Locke is all, "I don't think you care about being judged for your random sins. You aren't into redemption. You want judgement for something else!"

And Ben is all, "Well, smartypants, what do I want redemption for?"

And Locke holds no punches, "For killing your daughter."

Imagine this statement as the verbal equivalent of Locke punching Ben in is manhood, and you will get an accurate mental image of the look on Ben's face right now.

So after their little stint of baby-napping, Younger!Ben and Boy Wonder Ethan are as proud as punch (or maybe not, they're actually somewhat sombre) when they get back to Camp Other HQ, where Alan Dale has return to being Charles Widmore now that he's growed up and hey, he has a shitty hairstyle to show this is the past as well! Granted, it favours him slightly more than Michael Emerson's floppy 'do, but still, when this show mostly excels at costuming, make-up and wardrobe, its funny to point out when it crashes and burns.

So anyways, Ben is cradling baby Alex, but no one is actually asking what he cradling straight away, which I find amusing. It looks like the Others are having dinner, but no one offers poor Ben or Ethan anything to eat which is kinda cruel given that they were just out playing Missions and stuff.

So Widmore is all snappy, because either the gruel the Others are eating tastes like ass or because Widmore still dislikes Ben with a passion for being what he (Widmore) was led to believe as being all special and chosen and shit, and Widmore doesn't like people attacking his pride and own sense of specialness.

So Ben is all, "There was a complication" and RIGHT ON CUE, baby Alex cries up a storm. Widmore actually does a DOUBLE TAKE which is all kinds of funny and then kind of redundantly asks, "Is that a baby?"

And Ben is all "Duh" and then Widmore is basically like all, "WIDMORE SMASH BEN KILL IT" and Ben is all, "Um no" because he still has a partial conscience in this part of the timeline, and then Widmore is all, "I expect you to KILL IT" and even Richard looks slightly perturbed at this order, though he doesn't say anything because he is like the man behind the man sitting on the throne. He's like the Onimi of the Others. Actually, I think it more apt to say he's their Tsavong Lah. Or their… Yun-Yuuzhan? Look, whatever he is, he's looking pretty OMG-ish that Widmore would so cavalierly order the execution of a baby.

So Ben takes offence to this and is all, "This isn't an IT, it's a child. Would JACOB want this?"

I love how everyone invokes His name to gain leverage over their fellows in Othersville. Its quite amusing. So Widmore is all, "Well played" and Ben says, "If you want baby dead. You kill baby." But NOBODY PUTS BABY IN THE CORNER and Widmore walks off, thus proving Ben's point that Widmore was totally lying re: killing Rousseau being the island's will.

So Locke makes small talk to Ben about whose idea it was to move into Dharmaville and they kinda imply it was Ben's idea, which leads to Locke being all, "Sarcasm sarcasm is that what the island wanted?" And Ben is all, "You wouldn't know Jack Shit about what the island wants" and Locke is all, "Wanna bet?"

So maybe Christian's shoes are imbibing his (Christian's) knowledge re: Craphole Island to Locke or something. Who knows?

So then a light goes on in Ben's house to break this stalemate and then a woman's silhouette crosses the window. Ben has another pants crapping session though not on the magnitude of the one before as he OMGS "That is Alex's room." Or was. Whatever.

So Locke is basically, "Run along like a good little whipped boy and check it out." Ben does, ever so scary movie-ish. So we see the game of Risk that Hurley and Sawyer were playing and all the pieces were as they left them, which I think goes to prove that no matter what everyone is doing in 1977, it hasn't changed the present. Well, at least as far as we can determine, anyways.

So Ben sneaks into Alex's room and TOTALLY SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF SUN, who is waiting there. Frank comes running in and if Sun were the hapless virgin in the horror movie, Frank would've been too late.

So Ben is all, "Um, this is my house" and then Sun rocks up with the Dharma Class of '77 photo and Ben is all gobsmacked. So Sun explains that Christian told them to cool their heels until Locke rocked up, but Frank is all, "But since he's dead we're just hanging here because we have nothing else to do." So Ben is all, "Tee hee hee. Look outside."

Sun does and her JAW HITS THE FLOOR at how Locke is there and all, you know, alive. He waves as if to say, " Didja miss me?"

LULZ TO THE MAX.

So Sun and Locke are having a staring contest and Locke is all, "I have zero clue as to how I got resurrected but there must be a reason as everything happens for a reason." So Frank has a miniature hissy fit and tries to appeal to Sun's sense of logic, but she is set on hanging around to find Jin. So Frank is all, "You snooze, you lose" and beats a hasty retreat back to Hydra where he thinks all the sane people are. That is so going to backfire on his ass.

So Locke is all, "Let's go get to Jin and the gang" but tells Sun that first Ben has something to do. Ah! Aha! So Ben moseys on through his Secret Door into his Secret Stash in his Secret Room which also has another Secret Door to the Secret Summoning Chamber.

So apparently to summon Smokey all Ben has to do is go into a rocky chamber and then like, pull a plug or move a rock in a shallow pool of toilet water. And the water drains out and there is this hole there that would be wide enough to easily fit two or three average sized people if they all decided to jump in there simultaneously. But I wouldn't recommend it. So Ben is all, "I'll be outside" and I really hope Smokey is a home down there otherwise Ben is just talking to himself.

So in a flashback when Alex is about 8-ish she's getting pushed by Ben on the swings. She wants to go so much higher than Ben will allow, and I think he's too overprotective. Just wait until she starts getting boyfriends, Ben….

So Richard walks up and is all happy and clucky and is all, "Gee golly wizz Alex, if you go any higher, you'll fly right off the island." Ben is not amused at this innocent expression and for a moment it sure is AWKWARD.

So then Richard is all, "He's leaving on the sub. You don't have to be there you know" and Ben is all, "OMFG YES I wouldn't miss this for the world" except less cheerful.

So at the Pala Ferry the sub is ready for liftoff, or whatever. And hey, its Widmore leaving! Ben is all like, "I'm sorry" and Widmore is all, "Don't talk smack to me! You're here to gloat like the little bug-eyed sycophant you are!" Except his does it with a stiff British upper lip and it sounds better.

But Ben is all, "Go tell it to your momma! Its your own fault for continuously leaving the island and having a daughter with an outsider!"

So….. apparently in Others land, you can steal other people's children either to bolster the ranks or just because, but you can't have your own kids with non-Others? Wow! Double standards much!

So Widmore is all, "What makes you think you can take my stuff from me?"

And Ben is all, "Go suck a fart. If the island wanted Alex dead, she'd be dead. It was merely you." And so Widmore is all about calling Ben "boy" and that Alex will be killed like a fly on your wall if the island wills it.

So Locke has apparently pissed off to run an errand or something but Sun didn't ask and its all ambiguous and then Sun is pissed/scared/confused that Ben "knew" the island would resurrect Locke. But Ben reveals that he actually had no clue that the island was that awesome, and he was in fact lying to Locke before. The jungle ominously rustles and Ben is all, "Er… beat it Sun. What is about to exit the jungle is something I can't control." And Ben is all SMOKEY and the audience is all SMOKEY, but lulz it is just Locke pranking us.

So Ben is all, "Well, I'm waiting for Smokey and he has apparently stood me up." And even though Smokey may be asexual or a hermaphrodite, I will give him a male pronoun.

So Locke is all, "Ah, I know where he is!" And off the trek to find the elusive Smokey who is probably entertaining guests and does not want to be gatecrashed by the likes of Benjamin Weasel Head Linus.

So a few days earlier just before everyone came back to the island to party like it was 1977, Charles Widmore gets a crank call from Ben. Ben is all, "Suck it! I'm going back to Craphole!" Widmore is all, "Um… no. Just… no."

So Ben is all cheery and feeling good about himself as he informs Widmore he is standing right near Penny's boat and he's got a gun and he's gonna kill her hawt ass.

So Widmore is all GULP as Ben hangs up. Bet he's gonna turn right around and hop back on that plane to beeline it to LA.

So Locke is all about giving Ben lip about how Ben feels just like he (Locke) did, scrambling in confusion behind someone who has all the answers and how Ben feels powerless in this struggle to get some answers to the questions of life, the universe and the number 42.

Sun is all, "I hear you!" and the audience goes, "Finally, someone on this show spells out exactly how I feel!"

Ben is put in his place.

Sun is amused. So am I.

But Sun quickly gets over her amusement and ends the mutual male pissing contest. So they rock up to the Temple and Ben remembers enough to recall that it was where the Others took him to save his life.

But you know these glimpses we've seen of the Temple? Well, its actually just the Temple wall, this outer perimeter that is about half a kilometer from the actual Temple, put there to keep people "like Sun and Locke" from ever finding it. And what kind of people are they, Ben? Normal people? Cool people? Unlike you.

So Locke is all, "We're going under this bitch!" and then Ben turns to Sun and asks that if she ever gets a chance to leave Craphole again, to apologise to Desmond. Sun is all, "WTF" and Ben is all, "He'll know. Oh yeah, he'll know."

So Ben is totally creepily stalking Penny, and oogling her mast-deployment skills or something when we get a Scottish, "Och aye! What are you doing here?" And OMG its DESMOND. WITH GROCERIES.

And then Ben is all about SHOOTING DESMOND and Des goes DOWN HARD with the groceries and all. I hope there weren't breakables in that bag.

So apparently Ben is quite happy to turn this into a MASSACRE then.

Penny comes to run to her Desmond's aid, but Ben stops her and then introduces herself and totally talks smack about Penny's dad, and then Penny's all, "But I'm on the I Hate Charles Widmore Bandwagon too" but Ben rags on Daddy Warbucks a little more and then aims to kill……….

AND WE ALL BREATHE IN A BREATH OF OH NOES HOW CAN THEY KILL OUR PENNY NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO

But then Baby Charlie walks out. I suppose Toddler Charlie is more apt.

And Ben stalls. He can't be a mommy killer, because that's what happened to him. Er… I mean, he can't kill a mother and leave a child orphaned like he was.

So our Darling Penny lives to sexy up another day.

AND THEN BAM!!!

Desmond either just totally got over his mortal gunshot wound OR he is running on adrenaline. After all, the man's wife and son are about to be blasted (or so it seems) but Everyone On This Show's Mortal Enemy.

So then BAM BEN GOES DOWN LIKE A PUSSY AND THEN THIS IS ALL IN CAPITALS FROM HERE ON OUT BECAUSE DES JUST STARTS PUNCHING BEN AND PUNCHING HIM AND PUNCHING HIM AND PUNCHING HIM AND PUNCHING HIM AND PUNCHING HIM AND PUNCHING HIM AND PUNCHING HIM AND PUNCHING HIM AND PUNCHING HIM AND PUNCHING HIM AND PUNCHING HIM AND PUNCHING HIM

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND

THEN HE PICKS BEN UP AND THROWS HIM OFF THE DOCK INTO THE WATER

DESMOND IS BADASS.

YES, THAT BADASS HE TOTALLY GOES TO TOWN ON MAKING MINCE MEAT OUT OF BEN'S FACE.

And then we get this eerie shot of Pummelled Ben drifting through the water like this is Batman Returns and Ben is re-enacting Danny DeVito's dead Penguin only without all those cute Emperor Penguins carrying his dead corpse out of the water, and oh yeah Ben's not actually dead.

So score one for us because Darling Penny escaped death and Ben got his just desserts. We also now have the complete picture of what happened to him prior to Ajira 315.

So we get some weirdness now. Lapidus has rocked back up to Hydra. Random Redshirt comes running up and is all, "Oh noes! Ilana and three others have found guns and have taken over." And I wonder if they got the guns from somewhere in the Hydra Station OR if they were in that crate they were unloading before.

So Ilana rocks up and is channelling her Ana-Lucia and asks Frank, "What lies in the shadow of the statue?" And like the audience, Frank has NO CLUE what she is asking, and he tells her this. One of her male companions throws his weight around and this guy is considerably big in terms of muscle mass, and then Ilana asks again. Frank is all, "Seriously, WTF?" and so Ilana KNOCKS HIM OUT and tells her companions to tie Frank up as he is "coming with them" and to tell everyone else "They are ready." And I'm guessing she isn't going to throw a tea party.

So by "lie" does Ilana mean "lie" as in "truth and lies" or "lie" as in "lies in my bed." WTF, Ilana, make some sense, woman!

So as we are left to ponder the WTF-ery of this scene, we go back to Locke, who should theoretically make more sense.

And they're under the Temple. Sun apparently decided to wait outside as she is sensible.

Ben admits that Locke was right re: being judged for getting his "daughter" killed. Ben is actually really repentant about this. The psycho marines actually gave him a choice, and all he had to do was give himself to the marines, but he didn't, because as usual, he thought he could manipulate them. He was wrong.

So then uncoordinated Ben falls through a weak spot in the floor. Locke is all, "I will use my jungle skillz to find something to pull you up" and buggers off before Ben can say anything about it.

But Ben is now shitting his pants once again, because it seems he fell right into Smokey's front parlour. There's Egyptian iconography all over the pillars and walls in the chamber, and at the chamber's end is like… this panel in the wall, and then a grill on the stone floor with all these tiny circular holes. The panel above the grill-type thing has more Egyptian iconography though this one is intriguing as it has an image of Anubis, god of the underworld (and I am totally having my own flashback to Stargate SG-1 here), and in this image, Anubis is making a gesture to another creature that looks very much like Smokey. Ah, so Smokey has self-portraits in his front parlour, the self-obsessed scamp!

So anyways, on first thought I got the impression that in the image Anubis is like, feeding Smokey, kinda like you would a pet dog, but it seems more likely that his gesture is akin to a summoning, or beckoning gesture.

So anyways, Ben sorta kinda leans over the grill slightly and his torch is SNUFFED OUT and Smokey starts flowing up through the grill holes, making his old-school cash register sound as he does so. Ben has totally soiled his pants now and has actually run out of solids to soil his pants with.

Smokey actually flows around so he has TOTALLY COVERED BEN IN HIS SMOKINESS. And then we see those miniature flashes of lightning through Smokey like we've seen before and then he plays Ben's past out like he did with Eko. Look on the bright side Ben. At least he isn't chomping down on you like he did with Greg Grunberg or flashed you like he did Juliet.

So Smokey plays a Memory Lane track called Ode to Alex culminating in how Ben blithely ragged on Alex to Keamy when Alex was right there with a gun to her head and basically said, "I don't give a crap about her, shoot her pretty head" and even though we know he was bluffing and Smokey knows he was bluffing, it still got Alex killed because Keamy was a mean asshole.

So then Smokey goes back into his grill like this was just another day on the job and apparently Ben found redemption because he actually did feel guilty and was repentant and so this is the inverse of Mr Eko and that's all manner of kewlness.

And we think its over but then hear a tentative "Daddy?" and just like Ben we realise THIS IS ALEX. Well, technically, Smokey playing the part of Alex, but its still a gonads punch to poor Ben.

And I give credit where credit is due to Michael Emerson because he really puts on the sorry here, and it is awesome, and then FauxAlexActuallySmokey puts on its SERIOUS FACE and SLAMS BEN ALL AROUND and says something like, "I know you're planning to kill John Locke again. Don't be an asshole. I will not allow this. If you do anything to harm him I WILL KILL YOU" and since Smokey has racked up quite the body count, we believe him. And then FauxAlexActuallySmokey is all, "SAY IT" and slams him some more and Ben closes his eyes and swears to it. Swears as in "swears an oath" not "swears as in swears like a soldier."

And then POOF FauxAlexActuallySmokey is gone, probably to eat some lunch or converse with Jacob or something. And then Ben is all alone.

But he survived. He was repentant. And so it was.

And Ben's torch is lit again. And Locke has come back with this vine thing to pull Ben out. Locke is all, "What went down?" And Ben is: "It let me live."

OMG THIS WAS COOL END OF LOST BAD ROBOT SUCK THAT UNTIL NEXT WEEK

I will say that Widmore's flashback hair was far far better than poor Ben's. But it still looked preposterous.

One of the BEST EVAH EPISODE TITLES IN THE HISTORY OF EPISODE TITLES OR MNA does Some Like It Hoth

So this week we have no deep throated Previously on Lost which kinda makes me sad but its not as if I need the previouslies anyway, but some people do because they are evil and do not watch Lost religiously and wish to deliver us into evil.

So we start in on a digital display of the time, which happens to be 3:16. Ah! Aha! I see what you did there show! I'm on to you! So anyways, the time is on a microwave, and Mrs Chang (who actually doesn't have his surname, but anyways) is totally shopping for a new apartment. Guess she got voted off the island. So the landlord is totally selling his ass off about the place and OMG its such a steal at $400, and I hope that is fortnightly. There is no way I'd pay that weekly. And it does look like a kind of nice place to live.

So then Young!Miles runs in and he wants money for the vending machine. Ah, even as a boy our Miles wants people to fork out cash for him. Some things never change.

So the landlord is all, "Ewww kids! Some of the tenants don't like noise." What, and the others do? And I hate how some people equate kids with noise, like they're no good for anything else. Whatever, douche.

So Young!Miles gets a quarter and runs off, even though his mother DOESN'T LIKE RUNNING and she notes that her husband is out of the picture. Hhhhmmm.

So Young!Miles is fooling around and apparently hears/takes note of something as he walks up to a specific apartment and, after pausing like he is listening to someone talking to him, picks the key up from under the doormat.

So we cut to Mrs Chang filling out a cheque, and then Young!Miles is calling. Seems Young!Miles ghost whispered a dead tenant who had a heart attack and Young!Miles also got some filler information about the dead dude's wife. Mrs Chang is TOTALLY FREAKED OUT. But so is Young!Miles, and it seems he is GOING CRAZY. But if you Haley Joel Osmeted dead dudes, you would too.

So Miles is in the security room reading porno or something and Sawyer walkies in and needs Miles to erase all the security tapes that show him and Kate fanging around the jungle with Young!Ben like RIGHT NOW. Miles is all sarcasm that his porno reading was interrupted but grudgingly agrees.

He is in the process of erasing the tape when Horace walks in and is looking for LaFluer. Duh, hippie, he ain't here! So Horace totally is all "Whatever" and says to Miles that he'll do. Even though he has this ultra-epic massively secretive clandestine mission, it doesn't matter if LaFluer is MIA. Apparently any security personnel who are around will do. Ah, that Horace, ever the trusting fool. So Miles is all initiated into this corny "Circle of Trust" that apparently concerns the construction of the Swan and which Horace mentions Sawyer is already in on. So Horace needs Miles to take a "package" to Radzinsky over at Sector Zero-Zero-Niner or some such designation (which is actually Hostile territory OH NOES!) and the Rad(Not)-Man will give Miles something in return. Which he then needs to take to Chang at the Orchid. It's all very round robin and a waste of gas.

So Miles begrudgingly agrees after trying every which way to weasel his self out of it. So he fangs out to Rad(Not)-Man who totally talks down to Miles like he is cooler than Miles. Radzinsky, FYI, you aren't. So Radzinsky has a dead corpsicle that looks like it's been shot in the head. The "package" Horace gave him was a bodybag. Gee, that was some package. Pffffft.

So Miles loads the corpsicle in the truck and gets some major smack talk from Radzinsky. Can someone just blow his brains out already? Oh… wait….

So Miles loads the body in the van and then is all, "So let's find out what really happened."

SWIRLY WHIRLY TIME WARP AGAIN LOST TITLE

So back in the day when Miles was a teenager or mid-twenties, he had RAD AWESOME SPKITY HAIR and also had FIFTEEN OR SIXTEEN OR A MAGICAL NUMBER AMOUNT OF FACIAL PIERCINGS. Like I mean, he went all out. He outdid like…. the entire NJO cast of Yuuzhan Vong with facial piercing and shit. It's rad.

=/=


So TeenAngstMiles has rocked up to where his mother is being cared for. She's very sick, I think its some form of cancer. I wonder if this was a consequence of leaving Craphole. And can I just say that you know how Michael Emerson and Alan Dale got the really shittastic age treatment last week? Well, sorry guys, but Ken Leung pulls it off far better. Maybe because he got a better hairstyle to work with.

BTW, Miles also has a skunk streak in his hair and black nails. YoungAngstMiles wants to know why he has the gift/curse he does, and whatever happened to Daddy Candle. Mrs Chang totally rags on Candle Wicky Woo and says he never cared and I think she is lying too hard here. She's trying to get YoungAngstMiles to forget it but he won't. YoungAngstMiles asks where Daddy Candle was buried. Mrs Change totally cottons on to what he is attempting to do and tells him it is some place he will never be able to go.

LIKE CRAPHOLE! OMGs!

So Horace is on the blower to Chang, and is all, "OMG if the electromagnetism caused this we need to know" and he's all pissy because Chang is being a hardcore employer, and then he slams the phone down for good measure even and he probably just gave Chang a headache and Chang is working out ways to dock his pay. Miles walks in on the tail end of the conversation and is told again to take what he now knows is a body to Chang RIGHT NOW because Chang is a stereotypical impatient scientist unaware that the world actually does not work to his timetable.

So Hurley is about to nick off with Miles' van to deliver lunch to the Orchid personnel like they're his new best friends and Miles is pissed but Hurley is such an annoying windbag to him to Miles relents and they car pool.

Sarcastic Chinese man who a tendency to sarcasm every single thing he comes across with a penchant for talking to dead people?

CHECK.

Whacky but lovable cuddly bear ex/current millionaire with a penchant for talking to dead people?

CHECK.

One 1970s weird-ass Dharmville VW with a smelly corpse killed by supposedly a bullet but more likely some weird-ass electromagnetic happenstance along for the ride?

CHECK, CHECK. ROAD TRIP!

So Juliet is busy being sexy all alone in the infirmary checking the medication cupboard or something random to fill in her work day. Kate rocks up all dishevelled and sweaty and she adds to the sexiness. There's a duo of sexiness thing happening. Because they are now best friends they make small talk banter about how they just hoodwinked the entirety of Dharmaville and kidnapped a boy and sold him into a life of evil and stuff.

Roger Workman cries his way in all drunk and shit and looking for Young!Ben. The ladies try to placate him but he's an annoying redneck and won't take "Piss off" for an answer. He's all crybaby because Ben isn't there and Juliet is like, "I just left for minute…" all lamely.

So Workman has a massive diva fit and then Juliet is all, "I can't stand your incessant annoyingness anymore. Ben got kidnapped. Oopsie. My bad." And then Roger Workman is all, "I'm going to security." And Juliet is all, "Fine. Nobody loves you anyways. Piss off." And on the way out Workman totally hip and shoulders one of the surgical trays and clatters it all over the floor like that makes him more of a man.

Juliet is all, "Ah, my work here is done" and sexily saunters off. Kate just has a "OMFG that is soooooooooo not the way I would have handled it" look on her face.

So the road trip is progressing annoyingly slow for Miles and Hurley is writing furiously in a diary exercise book thingy and wants to know how to spell "bounty hunter." Like its that hard, Hurley. Miles thinks he's writing a biography but he isn't.

So the audience LULZ there heads off as Hurley thinks Miles farted really rank and Miles is all, "He who smelt it dealt it" and tries to cover for the fact that it wasn't anus wind, but this massive rotting corpse.

So Hurley also face-plants on the WV's floor trying to smell around the back so Miles pulls over and Hurley finds the corpsicle. Miles tries to cover and tell a lie but blows his own cover and Hurley finds out that Miles can Sixth Sense people. Hurley thinks he has a new BFF as he can speak to the dead as well! YAY! Miles is not amused.

So we flashback to how Miles is helping this father talk to his dead son. And I totally did a double take here as I thought the father was MICHAEL CHIKLIS. But it is not. Alas.

So the father wants his dead son to know that he loved him, as he never told him, and Miles lies and gives him solace. Oh, first he wants the father to take him to his son's body, but the father is under the impression that Miles can just randomly talk to dead people. Oh Miles, how you lie.

So Miles totally fibs his ass off and then talks some moolah off the poor man and zooms outta there. At his car, he is sauntered up to by OMG ITS NAOMI!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She has an offer and since Miles thinks she's a whole lotta Teh Hawtness, he is all ears. And penises.

Naomi is all, "Hey. I got sex appeal. My employer wants your services. Meet me at a restaurant." And Miles is all, GULP YOU'RE SEXY OKAY.

So Roger Workman is sitting on the Dharmaville swing seat and is quite obviously sloshed and getting more sloshed by the minute on the swing set in BROAD DAYLIGHT and there are kids riding by on bikes and people walking by and no one has apparently gone to see if he is okay/put him in lockup for the day. Whatever.

So Kate actually has a conscience and goes over and tries to make Workman feel better/assuage her own guilt/put things right/be more noble than anyone else has the decency to.

Workman gets more drunk and totally almost cottons on to the fact Kate 'napped Ben's ass, but then the alcohol kills off the few brain cells he has left and he settles for slumping in his swing.

So Hurley and Miles discuss how their ghost whispering skillz are different. Miles can only discern what the dead person knew up to their death and talk to them about stuff they already knew. Hurley actually sees their spirits and talks to them with information they could not have possibly known while they were alive. Like how Dead Charlie knew about the whole Oceanic 6 deal and knew how the island wanted them to go back. Like that.

So they rock up at the Orchid, and Pierre Chang totally goes off his tits that Miles blabbed to Hurley and who needs lunch anyways. He then proceeds to begin to tell Hurley that if he breathes a word of this to anyone that he'll make him work with polar bear poodoo over on Hydra because the Dharma personnel over there are apparently the stoopid scientists of the bunch if Chang's assertions are anything to go by. Chang also has a low opinion of kitchen staff which is way way uncool. I bet Hurley goes right back there and tells his fellow chefs to like, spit in Chang's food or drop it on the floor and step on it and then serve it to him or something.

Chang is totally all about making Hurley feel like a worthless lump of coal and he does it extremely well. If you want to put down someone, then call Pierre Chang. He'll make them feel like they should've never been born in five seconds flat.

So Hurley speaks for the audience when he is all, "DOUCHE-BAG ALERT!" and Miles is all dejected and shit when he replies, "That douche is my father!"

POMGkudg fprsgw78ftfw4 0rtwgfr864w rg0 DA DUM I CALLED THIS IN THE SEASON PREMIERE OMG HOLY BUM STICKS I WAS RIGHT

So in flashback land Miles is pissed that Naomi does not in fact want to have sex with him. She's taken him to some restaurant kitchen where there is a corpse on the preparation table like its going to be the night's main course or something. She's there to test out his ghost whispering skillz to see if they are on par with Jennifer Love Hewitt's.

Apparently they are, as Miles is able to discern the man's name and that he was about to deliver some documents about mass graves and faked plane crashes to a man named Widmore. OMG HOLY FRAK STICKS

Naomi seems slightly turned on, but still not enough to sex Miles, and so instead she offers him a boat trip to find "a man" we know is Ben Linus and that they need Miles to talk to the shitloads of dead people residing there so they can tell the Freighter peeps where Ben is. This kind of implies to me that Naomi is slightly higher up on Widmore's roster than first indicated, given that she has knowledge of the Dharma purge and stuff.

So she offers Miles 1.6 million. He agrees as evidenced by the dollar signs flashing over his pupils.

Hurley is trying to press Miles into talking his feelings and emote about his dad. Miles actually found out soon after he arrived in 1974 when he got recruited into Dharma and saw his mother. Guess he did some snooping since that time.

So Chang needs to bum a lift with Hurley and Miles to Radzinsky at "the work site" and Miles is all, "What about the body?" Chang dumbly plays a game of "What body?" like that would work when he's this super-duper astro-temporal-quantum-mechanics-exotic-matter-physicist dude.

So Janitor Jack is cleaning up the Dharma school classroom and there is all the whacky shit about Egyptian history and stuff on the blackboard. Naturally, Jack erases it before we get to read it. Whatever. I find myself wondering if this is OLIVIA GOODSPEED'S classroom and again wonder whatever happened to her and what is her relationship with Horace. Sister? Cousin? WIFE?

So Jack must be humming "Heigh ho" to himself but then Roger Workman comes in with his janitor gear and is all, "Screw you, n00b! This is my shift. Go mop out the toilets!" And Jack is all, "Um…. Your son is MIA. Plus, the alcohol is just seeping through your pores. And oh yeah, YOUR SON IS MISSING! Why the frell are you at work?"

And Workman is all, "What else can I do? Bitch moan whinge rinse and repeat. As if these Dharma twerps will even find Young!Ben."

Well, Roger, here's a thought. How about instead of being a Debbie Downer, you GET THE F**K SOBER AND GO LOOK FOR BEN YOURSELF, ASSHOLE.

So then Roger starts ragging on Kate and how he thinks she had something to do with Ben's abduction and he wants to know if Jack knows her. Jack is all "Stand by my woman" and totally shuts Roger Workman down like the miserable loser no-hoper he is.

The audience cheers.

Back on Road Trip, Leg 2, Hurley is totally obviously trying to prompt Miles into talking to Chang and is all, "Wow, your baby son and the guy driving this van have THE SAME NAME. SMALL WORLD CAN I MAKE THIS ANY MORE OBVIOUS." And Chang waxes on about how they named Miles after Miles Davis 'cause Mrs Chang is a fan and how Miles and Chang have been working side by side for three years and how they should all have a beer and how Chang is apparently clueless that Dharma society is segregated into the "Smart, scientist types with all the knowledge" and the "working-class, trying-to-make-a-buck chumps" like oh, I don't know, MOST WESTERN SOCIETIES ARE MADE UP OF.

So they rock up at the construction site. They are in this pseudo-pit and there's construction and shit and HOLY CRAPSTICKS THIS IS THE SWAN SITE. As evidenced by how engineers are putting the blast door in place with a serial number that is 4. 8. 15. 16. 23. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd

42: The meaning of life and the universe!

Hurley is OMG-ed to the max.

So in flashback land, Miles is getting taco or something. This van rocks up and this dude who is vaguely familiar is all, "Hey dude" and then THEY TOTALLY ABDUCT THE SHIT OUT OF MILES INTO THER VAN,

Cheerful dude is called Bram and this is where I HOLY SHIT ir67o7 ty g6rt 0w- because this is the same Bram who is one of Ilana's flunkies on present day 2008 Craphole!

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So Bram wants to dissuade Miles from working for Widmore, and asks that all too mysterious yet apparently pertinent question: "What lies in the shadow of the statue?"

Like Frank Lapidus and the audience before him, Miles is WTF and Huh?

So Bram says, "Then you're not ready to go to the island."

Miles is all, "Oh yeah? Well then if you don't want me to work for Daddy Warbucks, then pay me double. 3.2 million" and this is why he wanted that sum of money off Ben.

OMG YES! ANSWERS!

So the guys are all, "LOL nice try" and then they throw Miles out but not before asserting that they are on the "winning side" when Miles asks who they work for/represent.

Alrighty then, that was altogether ambiguous and not helpful to the audience.

So in '77, Hurley is thinking about all the cool things Miles could do now that he is in the general vicinity of his baby self, like hold him or make cooing noises at him or…. change…. his ……diapers…..

Um, Hurley WHAT? How is that in any way cool or NOT crazy making? Who in the goddamn hell of Sane World wants to change their own diapers? Um. NO!

Naturally, this freaks Miles the f**k out too, and he totally SLAMS ON THE BREAKS AND HAS A HISSY FIT AND SNAPS LIKE A CRAZY PERSON.

He's all, "I don't want to know my father. He was a deadbeat dad. STFU" and then Hurley continues to Dr Phil Miles and so Miles gets increasingly pissed and then is all, "Well TWO CAN PLAY AT THAT GAME" and steals Hurley's book.

LUL LULZ LULZ AT WHAT FOLLOWS AS Hurley is totally rewriting the Empire Strikes Back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Chewbacca shakes his fury fist at the robot thingy."

"Chewbacca: Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrghr!"

LULZ LULZ AND MORE LULZ.

So Miles rags on Hurley's idea to capitalise on his knowledge of the future and copious amounts of movie watching by totally outdoing the Flanelled One and writing ESB first and then selling it to LFL for zillions if dollars.

Hurley is unamused like any good fan boy and then is all, "At least I'm not too much of a scaredy cat to talk to my daddy." And Miles is all "touché" End of scene.

So Sawyer rocks up to his cottage and is about to talk dirty to Juliet when he realises Jack has come over for some biscuits and dip. Oh, and to inform them that Workman is sniffing around Kate. But not the good kind.

And Jack is all, "Her heart's in the right place." Sawyer: "And where was her head?" Story of Kate's life, Sawyer. Story. Of. Kate's. Life.

So Jack leaves and there is this mutual understanding of alpha-maleness and awesomeness and pissing contest averted and then Phil Wet Blanket shows up. He's got the tape that Miles failed to erase and so Sawyer invites him in with promises of a good explanation. "Good explanation" turns out to be a MASSIVE RIGHT/LEFT HOOK TO THE FACE and Phil goes down like the mushy wet blanket he truly is.

TAKE THAT YOU ANNOYING DWEEB.

So Sawyer turns to Juliet and growls like a lion, "Go get the rope and tape." Juliet is merely all, "mmmmm okay" like it is everyday they assault their fellow Dharma colleagues and tie them up and play kinky games with them.

So in the flashbackery, Miles goes back to the Michael Chiklis impersonator and tells him he'll be leaving soon and oh look, he's brought back the considerable amount he swindled off of the grieving father. Understandably Michael Chiklis Mk 2 is confused. Miles is drawing on his own bad blood when he asserts that if the father really loved his son like he claimed, he would've told him when he was alive.

Too true. Why wait? If you love someone, bloody go and tell them.

So Hurley has finally gotten Miles to open up and there's all this male bonding and awww and Hurley compares Miles to Luke. "He found out Vader was his father and overreacted and got his hand cut off."

LULZ but a point deduction for how Hurley rags on Ewoks. No fair!

So then Hurley buggers off to what I assume will be to complete his script and then Miles totally stalker stares into Chang's house where he is reading to Baby!Miles and Ihave to say this scene is really genuinely moving. Ken Leung totally commits to a legendary scene of Eye Acting, and the scene of domesticity and family seen through the border of the curtains into the living room is really very touching.

Chang's phone rings and we hear him say, "I'll be right there." He rushes out his door and Miles tries to beat a hasty retreat. But Chang calls out, "Miles I need you." And again kudos to Ken Leung because he turns and goes, "You do?" through choking on tears, and there is so much nuance to this line that it just blew my mind in terms of emotion.

So Chang is going down to the dock to welcome/welcome back some scientists who've arrived on the sub for Dharma HQ in Ann Arbour.

So they rock up and Chang is all doing something and then Miles helps someone get out of the sub, whose voice is muffled from the sub's interior. But it sounds so very familiar and…. It's…

DANIEL FARADAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dkjf gwp97tryw4 - rt5 multiplied by infinityness.

So Miles is all flummoxed and maybe its because Dan has finally changed out of that rumpled shirt and short-sleeved shirt and is now wearing a snazzy black shirt, or maybe its because he's turned up out of the blue after three years. You decide.

So then Dan is all about the Knowing Smile and is all, "Long time, no see."

Er… YA THINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????

So then its all OMGs END OF LOST WITH THE BAD ROBOT SEE YOU NEXT FOR THE 100^TH EPISODE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!