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On that note,

Time? This is no time to be arguing about the time! We don't have time to argue about time! OR MNA does Namaste

So we rewind time a little and we're back on Ajira 316. Dramatic wistful music ensues. Kate looks like she's been crying. Sun looks like she just wants it all to be over. Jack's anticipation factor is AMPING UP as he waits for something to happen now he is a believer. Hurley just eyes the food cart that the hostess wheels past.

So Frank's co-pilot is all starstruck that he recognises Hurley as an Oceanic 6 and Frank is all, "Meh, it's the circle of life. Lightning doesn't strike in the same place twice."

WRONG

Because the plane starts bucking like it's a bull at a rodeo and Hurley once again tells Caesar to buckle the f**k up and Frank is all, "Oh no…" as he's catching on, and the plane slowly but surely FLASHY FLASHES and the Oceanic 6 (well, except Sun) rapture the hell into 1977.

So there must be some sort of time dilation for those left behind as well, because the plane is flying in the dark of night and then the FLASHY FLASH flashes itself like a streaker in the city park, and then it is THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY. MNA is suspicious of this.

So the plane is all *computer voice* stall….. stall…. stall…*computer voice* and the passengers left behind are all, "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" and "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek" and Frank is all OMG because he is about to crash into a mountain on Craphole's baby brother island.

So Frank misses the mountain, which is fortunate and the co-pilot is all "Sorry I doubted you. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" and then he spots a runway, which as we've seen, must've been completed sometime after Sawyer and Kate were freed from the chain gang.

So here is the second suspicious time screwy event. The co-pilot puts out his mayday SOS, but the call is being jammed. Which is not so weird except that the Losties turned off the radio broadcast. Even MORE extra-uber weird is that it ISN'T Rousseau's French broadcast, but the older one of THE NUMBERS.

Which I don't even know how the goddamn hell to explain, although we're assuming this is 2008 so someone could have feasibly switched it back on since the Oceanic 6 left in very late 2004.

Its all very suspicious and mind-boggling.

So the co-pilot is spouting aerodynamic techno babble and we get some CGI of the plane SPEEDING AND ALMOST CRASHING BUT NOT QUITE BUT KINDA ON THE RUNWAY. "We're comin' in hot! Yee-haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw!"

So then Frank wakes from unconsciousness and we get to hear him breathe heavy for a while. His co-pilot totally got IMPALED BY A TREE. Sucks to be you.

So Caesar wakes up and goes to rouse Ilana. After he pokes her round a little, she rouses and is all, "Jarrah…?" But no, Sayid got to rapture off the plane. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, you faux Ana-Lucia.

So Frank stumbles in to the passenger area and immediately hot tails it to Sun. They're all bamboozled as crap as to where everyone else vanished to, and then Ben totally sticks his bib in and is all, "They're gone." No shit, Sherlock. So Frank asks WHERE and Ben is all, "I dunno." Real help there, Ben.

So we get a title card that is all THIRTY YEARS EARLIER, which does in fact tell us that Sun, Frank, Ben and Resurrectd!Locke are indeed in 2008. Thanks for being so informative, title card. I like you.

So dramatic music ensues and it is beautiful as we repeat the ending of the reunion scene from last week. Hurley puts down Charlie's guitar and totally gives Sawyer this Wookiee hug. The bromance is on. Sawyer throws out some nickname and Hurley missed that and then Jack and Sawyer have this mutual masculine respect thing going and then Kate walks up and there is this hug and sexual tension and I am so emotive at this scene that I'm welling up again watching it as I recap.

So Sawyer is all w00ting for Locke and his successful mission but Jack totally wet blankets this by informing Sawyer and Jin of Locke's death.

So Hurley notices the Dharma jumpsuits and enquires and Sawyer is all, "Damn you Jin for not explaining this before you arrived."

So Sawyer explains, hey, we're reliving That 70s Show and Hurley is all, "Um… what?"

SWIRLY TWIRLY LOST TITLE

So Jack is incredulous that they time travelled but Hurley and Kate seem to be buying it after all the weird shit this show has thrown at them. So the two groups establish that three years have passed for both of them since Ben broke the Frozen Donkey Wheel and Sawyer establishes that the Others are at this point all so very dangerous and Dharma piss their pants at the mere sight of them and then Hurley establishes that they didn't return alone.

Naturally, this piques Jin's interest and when Jack reveals that Sun returned as well, JIN TOTALLY HOTFOOTS IT TO HIS WINNEBAGO WANNABE VAN AND ZOOMS THE HELL OUTTA THERE. More specifically, he zooms it off to Radzinsky, who will know if a plane crashed on Craphole.

And by Radzinsky, YES, I mean that Radzinsky. Well done, show, well done.

So Sawyer is all, "Aw, nuts" and Kate is all, "Who else from our Lostie group is here?" And then we artfully cut to…

JULIET, who is barging into the camera room wanting to know from Miles where Sawyer buggered off to. She's all drinking coffee or tea or whatever and Miles is all feet on the desk so its so LOL-y just another day at the office. Miles sees "LaFleur" rocking but up to the Barracks and Juliet wracks off to her and Sawyer's Love Shack.

Sawyer reveals the news. Juliet's jaw hit's the floor.

I LOL because for once I know something before the characters do.

So Juliet pesters as to who specifically came back and after the names "Jack" and more specifically "Kate" there is much dramatic tension as to what this means for Sawyer and Juliet. Sawyer is all, "We have to bring them in somehow" and after a dramatic pause of drama, Juliet totally takes one for the team and reveals that they can bring them in as new Dharma recruits coming off of the sub, which is actually dropping off new recruits later that day.

Juliet is so smart and quick thinking that it is awesomeness personified.

So Jin totally argy-barges into the Flame, which houses Radzinsky, who is apparently just as malicious and evil as Mikhail will be in the future.

So Jin is all argy-bargy "ARE THERE ANY PLANES?" and Radzinsky is all, "No." And he is also building a model of the Swan, specifically the geodesic dome part of it. SHEER AWESOMENESS.

So none of the stations have seen a plane but he puts the word out anyways and Radzinsky gets pseudo-suspicious.

In 2008, Sun is fingering her wedding ring and hanging and chilling at the shore. Ilana asks if she lost anyone and Sun is all, "Shut up. I was alone."

Frank calls a group meeting and says that the radio is broken (surprise surprise) and that they will wait for help which may be a while. Caesar pipes up and is totally annoying and I want him to die and I think he is a Widmore stooge or something. He totally goes against what Frank just said and is all, "This island has animal cages and wierdness. There is also a massive ass island off shore. Let's explore" and Ben and Sun (hanging and chilling at the fringes of the crowd, but on opposite sides because as if Sun would stand anywhere near smelly Ben) instantly realise where they are. So Ben totally sneaks away and Sun totally gets some gumption on and FOLLOWS HIM. That's because Sun is awesome and Ben is totally suspicious here. So then Frank sees Sun bugger off and HE follows HER. It's totally a game of follow the leader.

Oh, and Caesar is all "Let's search the buildings" which totally backtracks into Life & Death of Jeremy Bentham where he does just that and OMG this is all kinds of awesome.

So Sun totally stalks Ben's nerdy ass through the jungle but Ben doubles back and is all, "Why so stalker?" and Sun is all "I will answer your question with a question. What are you doing?" And Ben is all "Lulz going back to our island."

So Juliet rocks up to Amy who is totally blissing in a hammock with her baby and its all trippy and hippy. Juliet is totally there to swipe the sub manifest but Amy wakes from her slumber. Juliet covers by being all maternal and baby doctor and actually making a good point that since Amy just gave birth the previous day, she shouldn't be working.

So Amy lets Juliet have a nurse of the baby and Juliet asks if Amy and Horace have chosen a name yet. They so totally have and that name is ETHAN.

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Awesome.

It all comes back around. Juliet delivered into this world the man who would one day bring her to the island. SHEER AWESOMENESS.

So Juliet totally puts on one of those faces you make when you're forced to talk to someone whose guts you hate and hands baby Ethan Rom back. I give her credit, because a lesser woman would've dropped that baby to the ground. So Amy is all, "We are you and Jim gonna have one of these?"

Juliet is all "When the time is right" and on this show, in this season, this is such a loaded statement.

So Kate is all, "Why didn't Ms Hawking tell you it would be 30 years ago?" and Jack is all, "Dunno" and I kind of think he's forgetting that she did say things would be unpredictable if they didn't ALL go back and since Des and Aaron and possibly Ji Yeon didn't go back, things went unpredictable.

So Sawyer rocks up with his plan and Jack is incredulous but Hurley and Kate shut him down. It's on!

So Radzinsky informs Jin none of the stations have seen a plane and totally name drops the Looking Glass as the final station to check in. Then his old-school 1970s computer spouts all this production output about a SYSTEM ALERT and shit and OMG it's a Hostile/Other. Jin totally ZOOMS THE HELL OUT AGAIN, thinking, I assume, that this could be Sun.

So Jin barrels through the scrub and the Hostile is actually OMG Sayid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sayid is still handcuffed from Ilana. Sayid is confused. Jin wants Sun. Sayid has no fricken clue where she is. Things are almost HAPPY REUNION but then Radzinsky shows up and totally puts a damper on that. Jin gets into role and totally manhandles Sayid.

So Hurley wanders why Sawyer hasn't tried to warn the Dharma personnel of the upcoming Order 66, but Sawyer tells them that they apparently can't mess with time and says that Faraday told them this. This perks Jack's interest, but Sawyer informs them that Faraday left. I guess this means we have to wait half a season to find out where he went. BOO.

So Sawyer rocks them up to orientation and everyone is all funky funky in 1970s gear and then Miles rocks up and catches sight of the Oceanic 3 and totally gets gob smacked.

So Miles lets Sawyer in about Jin and the "Hostile" and Jin surreptitiously gives Radzinsky the slip and lets Sawyer in on the goss.

Back in 2008, Sun is totally tired but Ben won't wait. He's off to get those canoes/outrigger things that we already know that Sun and Frank have taken. So Frank catches up to them and has a D & M with Sun and Sun informs him she'll be looking for Jin on the main island. They totally badmouth Ben like he isn't there and Ben's all, "Who? Me?" and then leaves them to their bitchfest.

So they rock up to the outriggers and Frank implores her to stay with him. Ben totally sarcasms Frank and Sun offers him to come with them. Frank wants to look after the passengers and Ben sarcasms some more (he is very good at it) and he tells them that he'll be outrigging to the Pala Ferry which (NEW INFORMATION) is right near the Barracks.

So Sun TOTALLY KNOCKS BEN OUT MID-SPEECH.

AWESOMENESS TOPPED WITH WIN JUICE SPLASHED WITH COOL SPRINKLES.

SUN IS AWESOME THIS IS SO GODDAMN COOL THANK YOU SUN.

So Frank is all quippy and Sun totally deadpans and IS AWESOME.

So Jack is being processed by none other than Dr Pierre Halliwax Candle Wickman Chang, who is temping in for Amy at the last minute and he is all apologetic that he sucks at administration and totally wants to go back to his lab and pointdexter.

Matthew Fox is totally hilarious here with this permanent bemused/amused expression at the sheer weirdness of it all. Rock on.

But LOL Sawyer has assigned Jack to janitorial work. HA HA HA Sawyer is full of win.

So Wet Blanket Phil totally sleazes on to Kate, because she has not been processed, but his name is not on her list or the sub manifest. She is almost totally BUSTED, but Juliet swoops in at the last minute with her faked manifest but Phil is still SUSPICIOUS.

Juliet totally plays her role that she has no clue who Kate is and Kate plays along and its all fake smiles and dramatic tension.

So Jin explains the lowdown re: Sayid to Sawyer, who argy-bargies into Radzinsky who is paranoid that Sayid is an Other spy sent to recover intel on the Dharma stations. Sawyer blusters his way to getting to see Sayid, after all he is security head, and explains his new role to Sayid, in character all the time. Sayid, always a smart cookiee, catches on.

Sayid, under the terms of the Other/Dharma truce has to identify himself as one of them. Sayid totally makes a temporal awesomeness cookiee by saying, "We don't refer to ourselves as Hostiles, but yes I am one of them."

Radzinsky (who BTW totally looks like a cross between a stereotypical nerdy slightly overweight scientist from the movies and something akin to Brent Spiner in Independence Day) is all about trying to go over Sawyer's head to Goodspeed and Sawyer is all, "Whatever. I'm more masculine than you can be in five lifetimes" and that is that.

So Sun and Frank reach the ferry at night, and Frank is kinda pissy that they don't really have a plan. And oh yeah, in 2008, the Pala Ferry is totally PWZZZNED. The lights are all flattened or broken, and there's barrels and shit strewn around. This is all kind of momentous as this is the first time we've seen Craphole Island since very late 2004. Wonder what the hell went down.

So anyways Sun and Frank are taking this in and gingerly movin' on up, when OMG Smokey totally makes its rattle-hiss old receipt printing from cash register noise and like, quickly darts out of a tree and eats a bird or something before totally going in the opposite direction.

So Frank is all WTF and Sun, very unconvincingly is all, "Its just an animal."

So they rock up to the Barracks and here is another exhibit of TOTAL UNMITIGATED WIERDNESS as the buildings of Othersville now have… their Dharma logos and symbols back? WTF? WTF? Sure, some of them are all fallen and dilapidated, but its so weird because when the Others were living there, there was no sign of the Dharma logos.

So as I try and figure this out, a light switches on in one of the cottages, and there is a silhouette framed eerily by light.

ITS TOTALLY CHRISTIAN SHEPHERD.

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That boy sure gets around. So anyways, Christian shepherds them into one of the buildings (I'm thinking it could be the mess hall, though I'm not sure) and basically ignores the hell out of Sun's demands to know where Jin is. He's looking at a series of annual photographs that the Dharma Initiative took of their new recruits. He picks up the 1977 photo and as Sun is all, "Where is my husband?" Christian is all, "With your friends" and Sun is all "What friends?" like she can't figure it out and Christian gives her this sort of reproachful look which is all, "Come now, Sun. Think about it" and then shows her and Frank the photo. Which shows the new Dharma recruits of 1977. With Hurley, Jack and Kate at the forefront.

Sun is bamboozled like nobody's business. Christian then looks at her and Frank (but mainly Sun) and is all, "I'm sorry but you have a long journey ahead of you."

MNA is afraid at his tone and ominous atmosphere. Very afraid.

So back in '77, we actually see that very photo being taken, and the photographer is uberCHEESY and is all, "Say namaste" like they're too good to say, "Cheese" and Hurley is all, "Nama-what?"

LULZ TO THE MAX

Phil is all cheery and "Hey, read your staff handbooks and stay inside the compound its nothing really but there are bad things here but its okay but no seriously stay INSIDE THE COMPUND."

Sawyer rocks up with Sayid and everyone exchanges dramatic looks. This is not good.

So Sawyer marches Sayid to a cell and Phil is all "What are we gonna do?" and Sawyer gets Sayid some food. Sayid's expression shows that he believes he is totally 'effin screwed.

So that night Jack rocks up to Phil asking where "Jim LaFleur" lives. Phil makes that look you have when you have to talk to someone whose station is life is like…. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay below yours and also like talking to them is like sniffing a piece of poo and points him in the direction of Sawyer's house. Phil is totally suspicious that Jack is on a first name basis with LaFleur and looks like he is thinking extremely hard at Jack's back as he knocks on the door.

Jack knocks on the door and Juliet answers. JACK HAS JUST BEEN PUNKED LOL

Jack is all, "Uh… sorry. Was looking for Sawyer. Have wrong house." Juliet is all, "Nope" and Jack is left to figure it out himself and, much to his credit, mans up and doesn't make a big deal about it, and gives Juliet a hug that friends give when they haven't seen in each in a bajillion years.

So Juliet beats a hasty retreat to let the boys catch up and Sawyer offers Jack a drink but he doesn't take it. I'm thinking it could be because of Christian's alcoholic issues and Jack's own druggie past, but I may be making a mountain out of a molehill. Jack may just not want to drink with Sawyer.

So Sawyer is all calmly reading a book. Jack is getting antsy and wants to know what they're gonna do with Hostile Other Sayid. Sawyer is all, "Improvise." Jack gets more pissy by the second because he WANTS A PLAN NOW, DAMNIT and Sawyer is just sitting there reading. Sawyer counters by saying how Churchill read books every day as they helped him think. Sawyer totally verbally smack downs Jack's ass by saying how Jack just reacted to shit when he was Group Leader and Sawyer thinks things through first. Jack is all, "AHA! But I got us off the island" and I was going to point out that he got like, seven people off and that hardly constitutes everyone but Sawyer takes a different tack, like a walk of shame type deal, and counters with, "And now you're back where you started."

He then continues with a, "Thinking is how I saved your ass today. It's how I'll save Sayid's tomorrow" and this is such a delicious quotable quote that I am quoting it now.

And so Jack is neutered. Jack leaves. But not before Sawyer is all, "I'm the leader now. Yay me. Isn't that a relief?" and Jack in all sincerity turns back and is all, "Yes. It is" and he does look very liberated and it is all awesome. Jack walks off home, Sawyer looking after him with a dirty face, "I win this round, Jack… Ass."

So Kate is apparently living next door to Sawyer. Gee, that's convenient. She's all pacing on her veranda and Sawyer goes over. I'd piss my pants in laughter if Juliet was spying from her bedroom window right about now.

They trade dramatic looks of unresolved sexual tension and then Sawyer, saying nothing, goes back inside his house. Oooo, take that Kate.

And from the look on Kate's face as she keeps pacing, I guess she knows by now that Sawyer and Juliet have shacked up. LOVE QUADRANGLES TANGLES EVEN FURTHER.

So Phil is guarding Sayid. This teenage boy whose face is artfully kept away from facing us comes in to deliver him a sandwich. The voice of the boy sound vaguely familiar, though I can't quite place it.

The boy made the sandwich, but without mustard as mustard apparently sucks. The boy looks through the cell door at Sayid and Sayid is all "Thanks for the sandwich. I'm so hungry I could eat a fricken horse about now" and the boy's face is now shown and very familiar and I'm like, "Oh shit. That is so totally Benjamin Linus from The Man Behind the Curtain! It's Young!Ben" though the actor has grown older and has an emo hairstyle now with a floppy fringe (or bangs as you call them in America) and also his voice is all breaky which is why I didn't recognise him at first.

AND ONCE AGAIN, THE UNIVERSE IMPLODES FROM TEMPORAL SHENANIGANS AND CAUSALITY WIERDNESS AND FARNSWORTH PARADOXES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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So Young!Ben asks Sayid if he is a Hostile (and as he asks this he is totally making Crazy Eyes at Sayid in the best tradition of Michael Emerson and its all manner of hilarious and silliness) and Sayid replies with a "Do you think I am?" The boy does not answer, and soon works up the courage to ask Sayid's name. Sayid answers and asks for the boy's in return.

So the boy is all, "I'm Ben!" and Sayid is TOTALLY PUNCHED IN THE FACE BY THE NASTY FIST OF TIME-FU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then Sayid is all acting on the lam and is all, "Its… nice to meet you Ben."

AND WE HAVE JUST BEEN CLIFFHANGERED, BITCHES. BANG END OF LOST

I did notice the fog blowing past the door, though I interpreted it as SMOKE as opposed to fog, and indeed, it may have even been Smokey. Though I can't tell whether the smoke/fog enters the room. It appears to me more like it is bloing past the open door, and NOT into the room.

As for the blonde haired woman, say what?

Goes to look at this scene...

HOLY SHIT. There is TOTALLY A WOMAN STANDING IN THE SHADOWS BEHIND SUN. HOLY FRAKSTICK.

To be more precise right after Christian says, "You have a long journey ahead of you" they cut to Sun's OMG reaction and behind here there is TOTALLY A WOMAN THERE. She moves slightly and if you know to look, you can see her.

My bet: It's totally Claire.

And I will offer a large thanks to Rogue 9a for bringing it to my attention.

BAM! KAPOW! SHAZAM! SAYID WILL JUJITSU AND KUNG-FU YOUR ASS!!!!!! OR MNA does He's Our You

So we start off with our Previously on Lost (deep voiced) and we recap how Richard once had Pirates of Penzance hair and how Sayid sold his soul and worked as Ben's hitman and how Jin had to play along to Radzinsky to capture Sayid and how Sayid met Young!Ben and Young!Ben made Crazy Crazy Eyes and Sayid and offered him a sandwich (WITHOUT MUSTARD because that is a sign of evilness!)

So we're in Tikrit, Iraq (is Tikrit even a real place in Iraq? I'm curious about this). So there's this thing with a chicken coop and this boy is yelled at by his father to kill a chicken because that will make him a man. I wonder how this man's definition of becoming a man differs SO MUCH from mine and hey, poor chickens.

But the boy doesn't want to kill a chicken and his father is all "Durka urka burka! You will never amount to anything unless you kill this totally innocent and defenceless animal that won't even fight back. Balls up and be a man you stupid little spineless coward fool boy! Grow some balls and become a man by committing this nonsensical and violent act! Urka churka lurka!"

But the boy totally does not want to kill this fowl. He is too chicken to kill a chicken. Killing a fowl would make him feel foul indeed.

So the boy's younger brother walks in and is all touching with the gentle hand gestures and POW he has some chicken seed. And those chickens totally go to town on that chicken seed. And the younger brother TOTALLY KAPOWS and SNACKS THAT BONY NECK.

That younger brother is Sayid. He's just become a man as his father proudly tells him. And I think Sayid kinda enjoyed that.

And so Sayid's brother is totally ripped to shreds (verbally) by his father and Sayid is all proud but kinda saddened that his brother is now a douche bag by his society's standards. Also, I am digging how Sayid's relationship with his older brother is so similar and yet the inverse to Eko's relationship with his younger brother. El neato.

So Young!Ben walks into the observation room with another sandwich for Sayid. and Phil is all about cleaning his pistol and basically "Whatevers" Young!Ben's attempts to explain that Sayid is still a human being even if he is a Hostile. Phil is all, "You're a child and as you are a child you know nothing. You're a child so I won't listen to you and thus display my jerkiness. I'm a jerk." And its no wonder Ben grows up to become an evil weasel with a father like Roger Workman and this douchebag who won't even give him the time of day.

Oh, and the sandwich? It has ham in it. Take THAT, Sayid!

So Young!Ben totally starts sucking up to Sayid in the hopes that Sayid will take him back to the Others. Young!Ben is also quite the reader for his age, giving Sayid a copy of A Separate Reality which is quite apt for this show and is all about a magician who does stuff or something. I don't quite remember. Its all manner of apocryphal, so maybe Ben went evil because of the evil books he reads.

So Young!Ben is all pooh-poohing the people he lives with and basically giving them the middle finger in his conversation with Sayid and he wants to know if Sayid has Richard's ear (not literally) and can he go with Sayid and he hates Dharmaville and his life sucks and wah wah wah he's a typical teenager and I just want to know where the frell Annie is in all this and whatever happened to her and Ben is all "OMG, I can totally endear myself to you by LETTING YOU ESCAPE."

All through this scene Sayid says NOTHING AT ALL. He just glares at Young!Ben. That's how friggen hardcore Sayid is. He's a badass all round.

So, hey, now there's this man RUNNING HELTER-SKELTER through a hotel to his room and he is IN JEOPARDY and IN STRIFE as the HERKY-JERKY CAMERA MOVEMENTS ERRATICALLY TELL US.

So this man bolts his door shut and comically puts his ear to the door like he's in a Loony Tune show and SAYID BREAKS IT DOWN. The man frantically tries to get a safe open, and he does JUST AS SAYID JAMES BONDS INTO THE ROOM.

Sayid is totally rocking his shiny and luscious Prince of Arabia hairstyle that I actually don't like but this information tells me this particular flashback is sometime when he was working for Ben.

So anyways, his prey is trying to bribe him with this ridiculously fat wads of cash and I would totally buckle here, but Sayid is totally resolute as only he can be and BAM! POW! WHACK! he totally shoots this guy dead with a BLAM to the head.

SIDENOTE: This is totally the first proper flashback episode we've had since Season 4. That is all.

So Sayid and his Arabian Nights coif mosey on down through the snow ridden streets of somewhere in Russia and he goes through this gate with this obviously important Russian sign. Now, my Russian is a little rusty so I totally screengrabbed this bitch and took it over to my grandmother who is from Russia and she was all "What is this craziness! This says "Oldham Pharmaceuticals" as she doesn't watch Lost and so was all confused. So I'm all "Join the club."

ANYWAYS Sayid and his pseudo-feminine hairstyle are there to meet Ben, who is apparently trying to channel Dick Tracy or Al Capone or something with this ridiculous hat and jacket. Whatever, Ben, whatever.

So Ben is giving Sayid the flick because apparently all of the Widmore minions that could pose a threat to Oceanic 6 are dead, by way of Sayid and his jujitsu torture moves. So Sayid is all alone and afraid because now he has no purpose in life and Ben is all "Whatever I don't care, Go live your life." Which is sad because Nadia is dead and Sayid has no life now.

So Sayid is all "I killed those people for you. Don't you burn me, Linus." And Ben is all, "Lulz. You killed those people for YOU, Sayid, and don't pretend otherwise." Truth hurts and Ben is always about making other people hurt.

So Sayid is sad. I just want that hairdo gone.

So back in the "I'm livin' in the seventies!" Horace rocks up and gets rid of Sayid's handcuffs from when he arrived. Horace is being all "good cop" and is trying to determine if Sayid was on the run from the Others or if he is a spy. At random intervals Radzinsky is all wet blanket and "KILL THE INTRUDER" and totally keeps bitching and moaning that Sayid saw the blueprints for the Swan. Like that is all he should be worried about.

So Horace is all "If you don't talk to me, we're going to take this to the next level." Um, Horace, hello, Sayid IS the next level. And he will totally badass you into submission, you hippy hillbilly!

So Juliet is bringing home the bacon, or rather, cooking some bacon for Sawyer but she is also staring out the window and totally forgetting that she has the stove on and OMG she could burn down all of Dharmaville and that is not cool.

So Sawyer rocks up and is all, "You cook bacon? Sweeeeeeeeeeet" and there is much love in the room. But Juliet is all worried that Kate, Jack et al have brought back the disruptive powers of the Love Quadrangle and that the life they've built with be torn asunder. I really need to know what happened between 1974 and 1977 to Juliet to change her mind. I really need to know this.

So Juliet has been spying on Kate's house, when she (Kate) and Jack conveniently walk out the door to go to work or whatever. Sawyer is all, "Just because these guys are late to the party, doesn't mean they won't wreck it for us."

Horace turns up and is all "We need to find out why that Hostile broke the truce. We need to get Oldham to do his thing."

OLDHAM? Wha…??

So Sawyer is all, "Leave it to me" and totally rocks up and kicks Phil out and talks to Sayid. Sayid is all, "There is a 12 year old Ben bringing me sandwiches. Did I just fall into Bizarro World? Why are you all living with him?" and Sawyer is all, "To survive" and also he is totally spooning Juliet.

Sawyer clocks Sayid and it is all manner of badassery on both sides, and Sawyer wants Sayid to bash him up and then run away and Sawyer can thus have Sayid freed and keep up the lie.

But Sayid is all, "I'm staying put" much to Sawyer's (and the audience's) annoyance because we all know Sayid won't play nice with Young!Ben and there's gonna be fireworks.

So Jack and Kate were actually heading off to have some breakfast at the mess hall and OMG Hurley has totally found his calling and is the chef now! Lulz.

So Hurley is all, "Try the dipping sauces. It brings out the ham" and I lulz and you lulz and we all lulz because this is lulz-worthy and awesomeness combined.

So Hurley is trying to get goss on Sayid and Kate and Hurley are all, "Say what?" when Jack reveals he was neutered by Sawyer last week like a little bitch. And then Hurley accidentally reveals that Sawyer + Juliet = LOVE. The Love Quadrangle is back in force, bitches!

=

Kate and Jack are all flummoxed and totally overanalyse this relationship information like this is Dawson's Creek or Gossip Girl. OMG

(p.s. Don't they look so stylish in that photo?)

Roger Workman is such a loser and shows up to mop Sayid's cell. He totally rags all over Sayid who is just laying back on his bunk like a jungle cat. Roger Workman totally lays into Sawyer "You're a douche. You're a big bad Other, but you got caught by us. Sucked in."

And Sayid totally badasses him back, "And yet here you are mopping the floor in my cell." Sayid, you just gave the best case of SNAP ever!!!!!

SAYID = MASSIVE EPIC BADASS.

So Roger Workman is promptly put in his place. Take that, you abusive asshole!

So then Young!Ben comes in with yet another sandwich and I think he has a man crush on Sayid. Roger totally rags on his son's ass as soon as he walks in the door. He's all, "You never make me sandwiches, f**kface!" and really violently slams Young!Ben all over the room, even benchpressing his face into the cell bars. And in all honesty, its really brutal. And then he throws Young!Ben back out the way he came in and is all, "I'll tell you what to think, boy!"

And then he totally chucks a hissy fit and throws the sandwich plate into the wall. Or that may have come before. Whatever.

So we have another flashback to when Sayid was working for Amnesty International or Make Poverty History or whatever and Ben totally rocks up and ruins Sayid's day. Sayid is all pouty lipped and "I thought you had kicked me to the curb," but Ben is in no mood for pleasantries and is all, "John Locke is dead. I think he was murdered."

Uh… YOU THINK Ben, you slimy little manipulative weasel. You can even see the cogs and wheels turning in his manipulative little weasel brain.

So Ben totally lays the blame on Widmore and by extension Sayid, by claiming that it was a revenge hit for all the minions and pions of Widmore that Sayid glassed.

So Ben totally manipulates Sayid into rocking up to Hurley's, as Widmore's men are now there trying to off him. And then Ben waxes philosophical about how Sayid must help Ben take down some more goons because Sayid is a killer and its hardwired into his DNA and its what he was born for and he can't escape it and its all about free will V destiny.

Sayid is not amused.

Ben gets his way. Again.

So Sawyer gives Sayid one last chance to cooperate when he shows up with Goodspeed and Radzinsky. Sayid refuses because he is manly and badass.

So Sawyer TOTALLY TASERS HIM. And looking at this scene more than once, it really looks like to me that Sawyer tasers him right next to his manhood. Ouch does not begin to cover it.

So they rock up to Oldham, who lives in a tepee and is a hardcore druggie. He also plays cheesy 70s music. On his record player. And no Acky, I don't have one of those.

So Sayid starts to wet his pants… just a little and asks about Oldham. Sawyer is all, "He's our you." AHA EPISODE TITLE. Just like Charlotte was all, "THIS PLACE IS DEATH."

So Oldham gets Sayid in restraints on a tree trunk (Oh, but they're only for his protection!) and then gets out a sugar cube. I'm all, "This is just gonna give Sayid more energy to KICK YOUR ASS" and also maybe cavities, but then Oldham puts some sort of hardcore drugs into the sugar cube and forces Sayid to eat it.

Mmmmmm, tastes like…. Drug-laced sugar!

Sawyer is all *concerned look* and Oldham totally starts talking stoner-speak with Sayid. He's all new agey and stuff.

So the drug is a truth serum. Oh noes!

And then we flashback to the LA marina when Sun… WITH A GUN totally holds Ben up. Kate's all wah wah this is insane and then Sayid follows her off, but not before he totally threatens Ben's ass and then… wait for it… KATE DROPS HER FRIGGEN MASSIVE EPIC WHEELIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One of my favourite moments of Season 5, folks: Kate Pulls a Wheelie.

Its like even though she's out of earshot and zooming the hell outta there, she has this radar that tells her Sayid is undertaking more badassery, so her tyres squeal out DON'T MESS WITH SAYID, BITCHES!

So after the breakup of the Oceanic 6, Sayid heads off to a bar. I totally want a barfight, but instead Ilana shows up in a sexy dress and hairdo and this is all manner of suspicious and I'm like, RUN SAYID, RUN, but we all know it doesn't play out this way.

So Ilana is all, "Can I buy you a drink?" but Sayid is way ahead of her.

Ilana makes some small talk but Sayid is not amused. He's also drinking that MarCutcheon whiskey or whatever it was called. The one that Widmore had and was raving on about to Desmond. The dude that was captain of the Black Rock or some mythology-inspired nugget of goodness invented. You know, that whiskey?

Frankly I think Ilana is looking for Sayid to buy her a Slow Screw Against The Wall cocktail, but Sayid is not taking the hint.

Sayid totally thinks Ilana is a prostitute, but she is not offended. She totally wants in to Sayid's pants. She says she's not a professional anything, and Sayid tells her he's in between jobs. She's all "What were you?" and he replies that he did the only thing he was good at. She's all "LOL why did you quit?" and she believes that when you're good at something, peeps will always tempt you to stay there and not grow. He's all, "Oooo I'm intrigued."

Back in '70s Craphole, Sayid is totally getting stoned. Oldham talks in his hillbilly voice and starts asking about him. Sayid gives out his name and both Oldham and Radzinsky's expressions seem to indicate they think it is a strange name that they would otherwise laugh at. Sayid gets out that he isn't a Hostile and confuses the Dharmas when he tells them he came on a plane and that he was previously on the island for about three months and then tells them to ask Sawyer.

Sawyer poos in his pants a little.

But the Dharmas don't make the connection and then ask him what he knows about the island Sawyer totally name-drops all the Dharma Stations and their myriad purposes. He also mentions the Incident, but then Radzinsky totally starts having a sook about how Sayid shouldn't know about the Swan as it is still under construction. Sayid also tells them they will ALL DIE OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKY and I think they are genuinely creeped out a little, but then when Oldham enquires as to how Sayid knows all this, Sayid totally sabotages himself by saying, "I'm from the future!"

Oldham is basically, "Maybe I gave him an overdose."

Sayid TOTALLY CACKLES LIKE A MADMAN ON CRACK FROM THE FUTURE WHICH IS NOT AS FUNNY AS IT SOUNDS, 'COZ ITS TRUE and it's like the third time EVER we've heard him laugh/cackle like a madman, and its kinda creepy, kinda LOLy, kinda silly all at the SAME TIME. Can you dig it?

Through his creepy/LOL/silly cackle Sayid is all, "You gave me just enough, bitches!"

So Juliet is back at her mechanic's garage and she must be doing heaps for the feminist movement in 1977 and then she's totally hooked Kate up with a mechanic's job too. Sisters are doin' it for themselves, I guess.

So Kate totally does not understand mechanic lingo, and Juliet LOLs. After an AWKWARD silence, Juliet susses out that Jack told Kate about her (Juliet) and Sawyer. But nope, says Kate, it was Hurley. LOLs from both ladies ensues. Hurley is such a gossip queen.

So the two girls make up and this warms MNA's heart.

So Sawyer rocks up with a stoned Sayid and stoney Dharma dudes and there is a rapid-fire exchange of CONCERNED LOOKS between the Losties.

So the Dharma staff has this massive-ass meeting where they are discussing what to do with Sayid. Radzinsky is totally carrying a pitchfork and flaming torch. Horace is trying to be mellow, but he's totally caving to the majority who are up there with Radzinsky ready to burn their Frankenstein alive.

Sawyer is trying to save Sayid's ass, but then friggen Amy pops in with this impassioned speech about how she doesn't want her baby Ethan Rom who will just get shot by Charlie anyways to grow up in a land of Hostiles and home invasions and ageless Richard Alperts with massive amounts of eyeliner drowning them in his sleep. And because she's kinda hot and all, everyone is like, "Good point. Great speech. You should become an honest politician."

Horace is all, "Let's be mellow" and then Radzinsky and Sawyer get into this pissing contest, but then Radzinsky is all, "If you don't make a decision, I'm calling Ann Arbour." If you recall, fellow viewers, this is where those pesky DeGroots founded the Dharma Initiative and got their funding off of Alvar Hanso, so I'm guessing this is also where Dharma HQ is located.

So Amy has her speech and if she wasn't so pretty I'd tell her to STFU for wanting to off Sayid, and then everyone's all like, "Yeah, we say we're civilised, and we'll have a vote, but we're all going to agree to KILL HIM anyways."

Horace is all, "I'd want this to be unanimous because it looks better in the meeting minutes" so then Sawyer totally AGREES WITH THEM. But only on the outside.

So back in the flashback, Sayid and Ilana are about to have a Slow Screw Against the Wall - and I don't mean the cocktail - and then Ilana is all breathy and sexy and "Take it off" meaning her boot, so don't go there. And for some sexually dramatically charged moment that I found somewhat odd, Sayid totally hesitates with her boot against his cheek (facial cheek, so don't go there)….

WHICH LETS ILANA JUDO CHOP TAEKWANDO HIS FACE! BIFF! POW! WHAM!

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And then she's all holding a gun to him and has him restrained by her legs or something and is all, "Flinch and you're dead!" She totally out-Sayid-ed Sayid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So then I bet Sayid is secretly thinking, "This is my kind of kinky!" and Sayid is all, "Who are you?" with heaps of loathing in his voice.

So Ilana is a bounty hunter and she was hired by the family of the Aveoli dude that Sayid whacked for Ben on the golf course, that stooge of Widmore's.

Ah. Aha!

So Sawyer gives Sayid one last chance to escape. Sayid is all, "I'm staying now." Sawyer is confused. So Sayid enlightens him. Sayid felt that when he crashed back on Craphole again that he was aimless. That life was aimless and the universe was having a biiiiiiiiiig LOL at him. But then he was brought to Dharmaville. And he realised he had a purpose.

Uh…. Oh.

So Sawyer is not satisfied with this ambiguous answer and rocks up to Kate to ask her why they came back. Kate totally backpeddles her ass off, and tries to stammer out of it, but Sawyer has not yet had his balls ripped off by Kate like Jack has, so he won't take no for an answer.

So Kate is all, "I can't tell you why the others came back, only why *I* came back" and Sawyer is all, "Good enough for me."

But then Kate is all, "LOL, it's not my flashback episode. Come back next week, James."

And as the audience groans at Lost employing its Art of the Stall tactics for this week a totally FLAMING DHARMA VAN comes and crashes into someone's house to take our attention away from this Art of the Stall.

And so for a split second I didn't know whose house the van crashed into, and I'm like, "Oh noes! Young!Ben's distraction to help Sayid escape means firebombing Jack's house" but then Jack goes to help the Others fight the fire so I don't care whose house it is.

And then Kate goes to help its occupants out but they're only random red shirted Dharma personnel so I don't care.

And then Sawyer totally TAKES CHARGE and calls all personnel to fight the fire, which means that Wet Blanket Phil totally leaves Sayid unguarded. And then some dude in a hoodie rocks up to Sayid's cell and I'm all Oooo Ghost Charlie but its just Young!Ben who has been beaten around by his father some more, so hard he broke his son's glasses. Sayid sounds genuinely sympathetic but really he must be thinking on the inside, "I'm gonna snap your neck you little twerp!"

So in the flashback, Ilana rocks up to the airport with Sayid handcuffed. Sayid sees Jack at the ticket collection counter. Sayid is worried. Sayid sees Hurley approach Jack. He poos his pants. He asks Ilana if she is sure they're headed to Guam (where her employers are going to take Sayid off of her hands). She is sure. Then Sayid spots Kate sitting in a seat trying to look inconspicuous with her mega-sized, paparazzi-avoidance sunglasses.

If this were a cartoon, Sayid would audibly gulp right about now.

Sayid gets really nervous, like more nervous than he has ever been in the series, and begs Ilana to take another flight. She totally steamrolls him and is all, "This is our flight."

So they get their seats and then Ben totally rocks up late to the party. Hurley has his freakout and Sayid totally thinks Ilana is working for Ben. She isn't. She also seems somewhat offended that after Sayid's description of Ben that she would work for him. Sayid is all, "But I did." Sucks to be you, Sayid.

So Sayid and Young!Ben are totally flooring it out of the Barracks in the dead of night and this Dharma van ponderously comes around the corner. Sayid is all, "Duck for cover!" and Young!Ben trips and falls totally like present day Ben did in last year's season finale when he and Kate were being pursued by Keamy and his evil marines.

I guess Ben really IS like a virgin in a horror movie!

So Sayid is having none of this nonsense and recons the van that has stopped. It's Jin! Yay for Jin! Sayid explains that "Sawyer let him go" which is kind of a lie, but it will do. Jin is all, "Let me update Sawyer" and then Sayid totally JUDO CHOP BACKFLIP BAM! KAPOWS! Jin and renders him unconscious. Ben, who is in this moment a stereotypical teenage boy, is all "KEWL! THE ROXXOR!"

Sayid has Jin's gun. "You were right about me. I am a killer."

And then BLAM BLAM THANK YOU MA'AM, he TOTALLY SHOOTS YOUNG!BEN IN THE CHEST! HOLY FRICK ON A STICK!

Young!Ben drops.

Sayid has a miniature crying session into his elbow - I guess because he just shot a young boy, even if he will turn out to be an evil little weasel - and then looks at Young!Ben's body a little and then totally runs off into the jungle!

BANG! (LITERALLY!) END OF LOST